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Ask Dr. Simon Your Questions About Divorce, Custody, Child-Sharing and Co-Parenting
If you would like to submit your question(s) to Dr. Simon,
please email them to rsimon@dr-simon.com.
Hi Simon,
I am a 14 year old girl. My parents were divorced when I was 11 months old, but at times I have a lot of trouble talking to and excepting my biological father. Both my parents are remarried and my biological father has two kids with his present wife. I feel much more comfortable with my step dad whom I call dad! Sometimes I feel guilty about feeling this way even though my mom and my step dad have full custody of me. Is it all right to love and trust my Step-"DAD" more than my biological father? I also feel uncomfortable with my dad because he calls me by my real name Kathleen which no one else calls me since I go by Katie!
I need Your Help!!
Thanks A Lot!!
Katie
Hi Katie..
Thanks so much for writing. I'm sorry to know that you are struggling with such powerful and intense feelings. You know, every child who experiences divorce in the family has a unique and individual experience. It sounds to me like you are quite comfortable in your mother's home and with the man she has choosen to be her husband. I think it is very important that you ask yourself if your negative feelings towards your biological father are the result of your experience with him and your own impressions rather than being the result of any negativity that your mother might have towards him. From what you say, it sounds like your father has problems being empathic towards you and seeing you for who you are versus who he wants you to be. If this is going on, it is understandable that you would distance yourself from him and feel a lack of real closeness. Insofar as what you call your stepfather, I think you have the right to call him whatever you want to call him so long as it is your choice and is not something you've been induced into doing. However, I also encourage you not to abandon your relationship biological father but rather to let him know that you are hurting, that you wish that things were different and see if he can approach this with you.
I hope this helps you, Katie. Please write me again if there is something else I can do to help.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon,
I'm married to my husband and we have a wonderful son. He's now 2 years old. We have made a schedule to bring our son to visit his grandparents on both side every weekend alternately. When my son visits my in-laws they never ask me and my husband to stay, they just want our son to visit them. Sometimes we ask the grandparents on both sides if we could pick-up our son early because we want to have a family time, but my in-laws doesn't want that because they said that that thay've already plan something for our son that weekend, and because of that my in-laws want us to make a schedule for our son to visit them every two weekend and they want us to show it to them and get their approval and they will even sign it like a contract, and we can never pick -up our son early or cancel their time on that weekend that my son is scheduled to them . The other of the reason that they want it this way is because they said that they don't see their grandson as much as they want, but we bring our son to visit them every other week and they other week is at my parents (we can stay at my parents house while we visits them). My problem is I don't want to make up a schedule where I could only see my son 2 weekend a month. How can I tell them this? They're very persuasive especially my mother-in-law (she hates me the first time we met, for no reason) She even threaten my husband that if we don't make-up a schedule then don't bring my son to them anymore.
What should I do? Please help me.
Billy
Dear Billy:
I had to re-read your letter three times to convince myself that you were not talking about a schedule for a child when the parents are divorced and locked in a bitter custody/control struggle. So I have to wonder what it is that has you feeling that you have to negotiate and reach aggreements about child-sharing when, in fact, you are the parents and you don't have to do this? I'd have to guess that either you, your husband or both of you have had your share of struggles establishing appropriate and workable boundaries with your parents wherein they respect your independence and autonomy.
My main concern with your situation is that you are part of a power struggle that does not need to exist. The conflict arising from the power struggle has the potential to be highly toxic to your child. The conflict and power struggle will teach your child that loving freely and openly is not safe, that loving attachment means taking sides. This leads to anxiety, ambivalence and problems forming bonds that are enduring and positive. If "scheduling" your son's time with his grandparents results in this kind of conflict, it is possible that your son's interests are best served by not having him spend weekends with them...this removes the elements of power and control. Best wishes, Billy, and thank you for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I have half custody of my 12 year old daughter. Recently my boyfriend and I have been talking about his moving in with me. What do you advise we tell her? Heretofore he has visited only when she has been at her father's (every other week). We also considered him setting up a separate household nearer (he lives 2 hours away) and continuing the visits, but it's so much cheaper for two to live than one.
Thanks in advance, A mom
Dear Mom:
STOP!! Think about what it would be like to have someone who is essentially a stranger move into your home in the context of an intimate relationship with your parent. Would you find this easy to adjust to? Would you feel like your parent did or did not consider your feelings or the impact on you? One of the most important pieces of information - that being how your daughter and your boyfriend relate to each other and how your boyfriend functions in relationship to your daughter is completely unknown to you since your boyfriend has only visited you when your daugther is not in the home! Until you know what kind of relationship forms between your daughter and your boyfriend, I wouldn't even consider having him move in to the home that you and your daugther share. I realize that two live cheaper than one but we are talking about something far more precious than money - we are talking about your daughter's emotional well being. To be blunt, I strongly suggest that you stop thinking of yourself and your desires first - think of your daugther first. I know that this isn't want you wanted to hear but I also know that it is the right thing to say to you.
Best wishes!
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
I have three daughters, 13, 11 and 7 years old. About 4 years ago their father and I went separate ways. I went to court to establish child support and visitation. The girls go with him every other weekend from Friday night through Sunday evening. In the visitation order, it was stated that he is not allowed to consume alcoholic beverages while the children are in his custody, due to him trying to pick them up while being intoxicated. He has maintained a very unstable environment which includes not only a revolving door of girlfriends living with him or the girls staying the night at his girlfriends apartments. Over the 4 years, he has had no interest in the education of the girls and most times (99 out of 100) does not show up for parent teacher conferences or special education meetings even though he has joint custody. He has taken them out to shoot guns while he has been drinking (they brought home the shells as souveniers), has left the girls in the care of his mentally ill girlfriend, has allowed his nephew to take the girls for the ride of their life 4-wheeling when their was not enought seatbelts for my 7 year old, so she almost flew out, has denied my 11 year old medical attention and it turned out she had strep throat and so on.
My dilema is: He now has a new girlfriend who he is moving in with. He failed to inform me of his physcal address change (once again). My 11 year old was returned to me with severe dehydration last time she visited them. They have a 2 bedroom apartment with her 15-16 year old son. Where are my children sleeping? Is this appropriate to have 6 people in a 2 bedroom apartment and what protection from this teenage boy do my girls have? The girls have stated that their father and his girlfriend go in their bedroom and close the door for extended periods of time. With the last girlfriend it was to do drugs. I have stopped visitation for now until we go to court and he obtains suitable sleeping accomodations for the girls. Am I wrong to do this?
Dear Mom:
From what you state, you have a lot more to be concerned about than just the sleeping accomodations. If your children's father has the kind of judgement that you depict, I'd be worried about their general safety while in his care. Whether you are right to stop the visits or not isn't easy for me to say. However, I can tell you that the issue of sleeping arrangements, while important, doesn't sound as vital as the issue of the choices he is making and the kinds of behavior he is engaging in while the children are in his care.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My grandaughter was recently five years old and has begun to speak of having a daddy a lot. When she asked me approximately two months ago if grandpa would care if she called him daddy, I told her I was sure that he wouldn't care but that I would ask him if she would like and she asked me if I would. I told him what she had said, and he like me wondered if it would cause any harm but we told her that he is her grandpa and would be glad for her to call him daddy if she wants to. She seemed very satisfied; however, she must have given it quite a bit of thought because it took about three months for her to call him daddy. She has been calling him daddy more and more and today at day care she told all the children that she has a daddy now.
The background is that her daddy has not made much effort to see her and has not seen her since before she was two years old. She thinks that she doesn't have one I guess as she has never spoke of it until now. I think we need to talk to her about him (maybe showing her his picture), but it is so hard to explain why he doesn't come. I guess we have been encouraged that he doesn't come around as he and his family are not very nice and are very low class people. Our daughter was married to him before our grandaughter was born. We have helped her with her daughter since she was born, and she is a delightful child. We are afraid she could be exposed to a very bad environment.
It is obvious now that she is grieving for a daddy, and I think he would come once in a while if our daughter encouraged him to, but we don't know what kind of can of worms we could be opening if she contacts him. We all love her so much and would do anything for her. What advice can you give and who can we go to for help in deciding how to approach this problem.
Thank you Ruth
Dear Ruth:
I think you are right when you say that your granddaughter is grieving the absence of her father. She is at an age where his absence is noticed, felt and she is beginning to ask herself questions about who she is and where she came from. Whether or not you think her father and/or his family would be a good influence on her, it is important to remember that to her, her daddy is special. Remember...each of us has only one real mom and real dad. I don't think that it was an especially good idea to allow her to call your husband daddy because he is not her daddy. When she asked about calling him daddy, you had a great opportunity and opening to help her process her loss, to ask questions and to understand what she is seeking to discover. I would have suggested this course rather than mollifying her feelings. While it may be too late to go back and tell her not to call your husband daddy, it is not too late to help her deal with her feelings of loss and to help her in her discovery of who she is and how she came to be. Sometimes children have to do this without one of their parents actually being present - you do not need to contact her father in order to answer her questions about him or help her understand who she is. This contact, if she wants it, can come later in life when she is more mature and ready to handle whatever the realities about him are. Thanks for writing.
Best wishes.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr Simon:
The relationship between me and my girlfriend is quickly progressing, and I can say that this is without doubt the best that has ever happened to me. I am blessed with a loving woman and I am in the good position to return all the emotions. However, she has an issue with all this, and that is her 5 yr old son. My girlfriend is in the process of getting a divorce which hopefully will be over with by the end of this year. What bothers her, and me, is as to how to introduce me to him. I do not want to inflict any harm on him, and her. Would you be able to give us any advice on this?
Best regards in advance. Your advice will be greatly appreciated.
Mike
Dear Mike:
Thanks for the thoughtful and compassionate question. You and your girlfriend are smart to have waited until you had allowed your relationship to develop prior to your being introduced to her son. With that introduction, your girlfriend will get to know a new part of you and with that, you'll have a greater opportunity to really see how all of the pieces fit together. I think you'll be surprised at how resilient and accomodating young children are and how they are able to flow with the reality they are given. In situaitons such as yours, I suggest that in a simple fashion, your girlfriend introduce you to her son as someone who has become a very special friend of hers and someone she is spending a lot of time with. She can tell him that because she loves him, that getting to know him is very important to you, too. The way in which you could quite easily inflict harm on this youngster is to be introduced as something akin to another daddy or parent or for you to try and force a relationship on the youngster. Allow things to develop, don't be surprised if there is some initial resistence, allow him to set the pace and let things grow in their own time.
Thanks again for writing. I hope things go well for all of you.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon,
I have a 9 year old son, his father and I have been divorced since he was 3 and I moved several states away. My son goes on the usual holiday and school breaks but I also just made arrangements for him to fly there once a month. I had known for some time, although he would never tell me, that he wanted to spend more time with his father. I would never stop him if that is what would make him truly happy but I don't know if its the most appropriate thing to do. To be honest I don't know how to say yes to him, I would have to willingly give my son up and the very thought breaks my heart. When I found this out the other night, sadness fell upon me to the point that I cried myself to sleep and I only slept a few hours, only to get back up and feel the same sadness, over the very thought of this issue. Could you please give me your opinion on this matter as soon as possible.
Thank you kindly, Mel
Dear Mel:
Of course you feel sad! You love your son and you treasure your relationship with him. The idea of spending less time with him is a sad one. Yet, it seems that you love your son enough to listen carefully to his feelings and his desires and to take them into account in deciding what is best for him. Whether you ultimately agree for him to live primarily with his father or not, I compliment you on loving your son enough to take his feelings into account and for your willingness to experience pain but not allow it to stand in the way of doing what is best for your child. Of course, I don't know what is best for him since I don't know you, your son or his father. I can't tell you what to do. I can only tell you that parenting with the kind of love that you seem to parent with is a wonderful thing and a gift to your child beyond measure.
Best wishes,
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My name is Teresa. I am currently 27 years old , college graduate, have a pretty good job. My fiance and I have been dating each other for almost 4 years. We have been talking about getting marry sometime next year. He has a 3 year old boy, whom he has visitation right every other weekends and a couple of hour during the week. Before I meet my boyfriend, I made a it clear to him that I want to have two children and have them before I turn 30 and before I start on my graduate school. I've been trying to convince my boyfriend to have children with me now. We both know that we will be getting married and be with each other for the rest of our lives. But, he refuses to have any more kids. He says that he doesn't want to go throught all the court issues like he has been going throught with his kid. I, on the other hand, have been there right behind him supporting all the court and legal issues since the child was 3 months old. I feel betrayed and don't know what to do. I've gone as far as betraying his child because he dosen't want to have kids with me. We talk about it but he just doesn't want to understand my point of view....I've giving moral support, dealing with his child, babysitting him, buying him clothes and toys, and I get no results. All I get is the cold shoulder from my boyfriend. What should I do?
Please advise me.
Sincerely,
Teresa.
Dear Theresa:
This well could be one of those issues on which the two of you simply differ. Period. And because of that, it could be that you are not compatible life partners. Trying to talk someone into having children is something I'd really advise against. It's not like buying a car or a house you don't really want or like...it is a lifelong comittment that never goes away. There's nothing wrong with you wanting children and there's nothing wrong with him not wanting children. If I were you, I'd be happy that he's being honest with you and not leading you to believe that he wants children even though he doesn't. And for goodness sake, whatever you are doing to "betray" his children, stop it! This has nothing to do with them and this isn't their fault. Don't take it out on the innocents because you feel angry and hurt with your boyfriend. If that is how you are willing to treat children, think twice before you have kids of your own.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My ex husband and I have a friendly, cooperative parenting arrangement with our 3-1/2 year old. We transition between the two homes every 3rd day. The parent who has him brings him to pre-school which is where the other parent comes to get him at the end of the day. When we tell him "you're going to be with Mommy/Daddy tonight" we are always upbeat and positive and want him to be well adjusted. The question is whether we should be telling him in advance that he'll be with the other parent because when we do, he responds by shutting down on the parent he's with. He goes from wanting to play to basically taking an attitude of "ok bye." Instead of "read me a book before you go" as he says when the same parent will be picking him up that day, he says "bye" rather detached. I don't know whether that's his own healthy coping mechanism or a negative shutting off of emotions. What do you think? Should we tell him the other parent will be picking him up or let him live in the moment and just see who will be picking him up (and perhaps make his own predictions based on how long he's been with each parent)?
Dear Mom:
It seems to me that your son may be experiencing some temporary signs of adjusting to transitions. Indeed, children (in fact all people) do best when there is a sense of predictability over transitions. I strongly suggest that you give your son time to make more sense of what is going on and that you give him information, in advance, about what is going on. Trust his resilience and his ability to adjust. Know that giving him information and allowing him to anticipate changes will help him cope much better with change.
Thanks for writing and best wishes!
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I have been reading your Q&A's on your web site today and appreciate the sensible, compassionate, educated and realistic advice you have given. Thus, I am writing for your opinion about my situation. I have been separated from my husband of 13 years since April 1998, divorced since July 2000. I have primary physical custody of my two sons, now aged 16 and 13 and live within 8 miles of my children's father's home (the home that we left). In October of 2000 I started dating a man who has never been married nor has any children. In Nov. of 2001, he proposed marriage to me and I accepted. My children are accepting of the idea and like him. I would consider their relationship as "evolving". Due to the logistics of commuting to work for my husband -to- be, as well as our personal desires, we have decided to move about an hour away. My children do not want to move and their father has suggested they stay with him so as not to disrupt their social and academic lives. I do not believe this to be in their best interests. Their father has not ever been an active participant in their educations. Additionally, he has been non-communicative and belligerent towards me since the separation - which may or may not bear relevance here. The children's father suggested that he will take me to court to sue for custody and based his "likely chances of winning" the case on the fact that the children will be old enough to tell a judge that they do not want to move. They may even "choose" dad over mom (if forced to make that terrible decision) based on the fact that they have "free reign" when they are with him (i.e. no discipline or structure).
I am a firm believer that the biggest harm to children of divorced parents is continual conflict amongst the parents and especially litigation, however, I am not prepared to relent to my son's staying with their father during the school week, admittedly partly for selfish reasons, but mostly because it truly is not in their best interests to do so. I also believe that given the history of the child rearing, that I would win this case. It will break my heart if we must go to court to resolve this even if I do win because it would be very traumatic for my sons. Do you have any suggestions 1) how to reason with the children's father 2) how to make these transitions (marriage and moving) easier for my sons. 3) Can you give me some idea as to what to expect if this ends up in litigation?
Thank you in advance!
Jean
Dear Jean:
These are never easy situations, are they? Given the fact that your sons are ages 16 and 13, it seems to make sense to give them the opportunity to express their wishes in the situation rather than make this decision for them. Think about it - you have made the decision to move and potentially uproot your sons at a time in their lives when their peer group and peer activities are more important than ever. You are asking them to give this up for your convenience and the convenience of a man they are just getting to know. It occurs to me that if you see your sons relationship with your fiancee as "evolving" that forcing them to move against their wills is a good way of increasing the chance that they will feel resentful not only towards you but also towards your fiancee. I doubt that this is what you want. You speak of the children being forced to make a "terrible decision". May I suggest that your choice to move out of the area is what may, indeed, lead to this?
I agree with you about the harm to children caused by parental conflict and litigation. I want to remind you, however, that your former husband's "belligerance" towards you is about his relationship with you, not necessarily about his relationship with your sons. Also, they are older, more resilient and more able to be their own advocates. If there are problems in their father's home or in their relationship with him, they do not need nearly the protection and advocacy from you that they used to get from you.
My experience is that if you take a matter such as this to court that there is a reasonably good chance that the Judge will allow the boy's to determine what they would like. And while I am not an attorney and don't want you to construe anything I'm stating here as legal advice, this has been my experience as a forensic psychologist in the family law arena. So you've got some difficult decisions to make. Reflect on what I've said and feel free to write back. Thanks and best wishes to everyone.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dr. Simon
I have never been married because I am only 17, but I do have a two-year-old son and his father and I are not together any more. I am now engaged to somebody else and I would like some advice on a couple of things. My son is in his terrible twos and my fiancee is not used to taking care of a child because he is 18 and he has a 1 year-old brother with whom he does not live with. He has been very stressed out because I am also pregnant with his child so I need his help taking care of my son seeing as I am almost at my due-date. He does like my son but he can not deal with the fact that my son doesn't like to listen to anything that any person tells him. I would Like to Know what I can do to help him to deal with my son. I know that he loves him but he doesn't seem to accept the fact that he is stepping into a new family. Also my father and mother wasn't too pleased that I moved out this year because they didn't think that I was ready. My father has gotten used to the idea and accepted my fiancee but my mother doesn't want anything to do with me or him right now. I want to talk to my mother but I am not sure what her reaction would be. If there is any advice that you could give me I would really appreciate it.
WORRIED MOTHER
Dear Mom:
If your fiancé is having problems with your two year old, do you think things will be different when your second child is born? My suggestion is that both of you seek some parenting classes right away and that you establish a bond with a good couples counselor and child psychologist who can help you negotiate your differences. My concern is that your situation is one in which the risk for child abuse is high. As for your mother, she needs to realize that this is not about her, it is about you and your children. Until she is able to see beyond herself, she's got nothing to offer to you anyway.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My daughter's boyfriend is 17. His mom died when he was 5 and his biological father is not in the picture. His uncle is his legal guardian and he and his wife have raised him as their son. His "parents" are getting divorced. My daughter's boyfriend would like to live with his mom, but she told him he can't because she has no legal rights to him. His grandmother also lives with them. His dad is not living at home, but with a girlfriend. The assumption was that after the divorce his mom would move out with his "sister" and he, his brother, grandmother and father would remain in their home. Yesterday some people came by to look at the house to either rent or buy it. He was very upset, as he would like to remain in our community so he can finish school. My question is can he move in with his mom even though she has no legal rights to him.
Thank you for your time.
Hello:
Since I'm not an attorney, I can't give you legal advice or answer your question with regard to what the laws are in your area. As a psychologist, I can tell you that it is my experience that in most circumstances involving a 17 year old, the Courts tend to facilitate the wishes of the minor so long as he is mature enough to make a decision. However, I suggest that you consult a qualified family law specialist in your area to get specific information regarding the laws that are relevant for you.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
To be brief, I had an affair and conceived a child. My husband and the other man is aware of the child, a paternity test was done with the other man and came back as he was the father. My question is, what is in the best interest of the child. The other man has had nothing to do with the child since it's birth and my husband has raised the child since birth. I feel like other man should be held somewhat responsible because he helped create this mess. he has walked away from any sign this occurred leaving me to clean up the mess. I feel the child deserves to at least know about their biological father, regardless of his participation. My husband says "no"! No child support, no court ordered test, no visitation, nothing. I am afraid when the child comes of age, I will not be able to prove to them the whole story.
What is in the best interest of the child?
Thank you!
Dear Mom:
I've always felt that people have a right to know where they come from. I think that people innately need to know and it has been my experience that when a person is deprived this type of knowledge and when it comes to light (and it usually does), their ability to trust is crushed. They feel deceived and lied to. I can understand your husband's feelings too. He loves the child and is raising her as his own. However, what one must consider in situations such as yours is what your child's feelings are, not your feelings and not his feelings. It is my experience that as your child is able to understand that it is good to give information.
However, since you and your husband disagree and since I really don't know what your daughter's emotional vulnerabilties are like, I suggest that you sit down with a qualified therapist in your area and discuss these issues.
Thanks for writing.
Best wishes.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My question is....How do I get my 10 yr. old daughter to accept that fact that my ex-husband and I are now divorced and that we both have found someone else in our lives? We have been divorced for about 3 yrs now....it has been a battle and still is as I am taking him back to court for my small property settlement. We live close to each other and the kids can go back and forth between our homes easily and we share equal parenting time. Also she is asking that I have full custody of her.
How do I handle this?
Thanks, Sherri
Hi Sherri:
Kids often take several years to really accept the end of their parent's marraige. One of the things that helps children accept this reality is when the parents can stop their arguing and litigaiton so that life can become more normal for everyone. The conflict between the two of you keeps the reality of the divorce very much on the active radar screen. Do your best to put all of the issues to rest and then move on.
Best Wishes.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My son is four and a half. Currently I have primary physical custody and sole legal custody of him. He does see his father during the week for one overnight and every other weekend. The history is that his father has suspected bipolar disorder and has engaged in domestic violence against me while our son was present; stalking; harassment and verbal bashing of me in front of our son. About a year ago my son reported to me and other family members that he was having nightmares, "about daddy spanking him". He displayed frequent outbursts of not wanting me to leave or to take him to preschool. This was in conjunction with of his father's many nightly drive-bys of my home, calling my house at all hours, stalking me at work all with my son present. My son has been seeing a Ph.D, MFT to deal with the recent events and I have rigorously sought out legal and court intervention. It has been a long haul through our court systems, but we will be back before the judge in a few weeks. My question is the therapist listens to my son often hearing all about the events in his life, the continual interrogation by dad about me, the mood changes in my son, etc....but he does not provide a lot of strategies for him. For example he does not engage my son in role play therapy (i.e., "when people we love do or say things that hurt, this is what you could try". "let's practice with your dolls".) Is just being a good listener enough for a 4 1/2 year old? I try to use some strategies with him, but lack professional training. My son has a good relationship with this therapist that has taken a long time to establish and I do not want to under estimate the value of that. In your opinion, what would you suggest is the best therapy technique for my son?
Sincerely, Alicia
Hi Alicia:
Children at your son's age are usually engaged in therapy through the techniques of therapeutic play. It can be quite challenging to engage them in verbal role play since the cognitive development of a child this age typically doesn't facilitate that kind of abstract use of verbal behavior. Of course, I don't know your son, what his capacities are or what his therapist thinks his issues may be. My advice in a situation such as this one is that you take the time to schedule a session with the therapist yourself and describe your concerns to him and ask him these questions directly. A competent professional therapist will be very open to the questions and, in fact, will welcome them since this is a sign of your engagement and of your investment in your child's well being. Best wishes.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I am a 33 year old divorced female. About 2 months ago, I began dating a divorced man with a 5 year old daughter. I realized after several conversations, that he allows his daughter to sleep in his bed with him on the weekends he has custody.
I am somewhat concerned about this practice. When I ask him why she doesn't sleep in her own bed, he makes lots of excuses, but mostly resigns to the fact that it's 'easier.' I know she has a regular bedtime of 8pm at her mother's house and sleeps in her own room. I get the sense that this is his way of giving in to her and spending time with her since he only sees her every other weekend. I guess my biggest concern going into to this relationship is what will happen if we continue to date and become more heavily involved. He is extremely defensive about this subject, and I've chosen not to bring it up again. I have never slept at his house while his daughter is there, but if our relationship progresses, do I have to expect to have the child in the bed with us?? Cuddling in the morning is fine...having a 5 year old between us all night would not be a situation I'd be interested in. If he does make the change later, after she knows me, I feel certain that I would be perceived at displacing her - - causing me to come off as the 'woman who took my place in Dad's bed."
I know that sounds funny, but she's not a toddler - she's 5. That just seems a little old to be sleeping with Dad.
Where does his relationship with his daughter end and
his respect for our intimacy begin?
I would really appreciate your opinion on this.
Hi Wendy:
I think you are asking me to tell you that your feelings about the situation are right and that your boyfriend's behavior (co-sleeping with his child) is wrong. I personally am not one that favors co-sleeping but I can also tell you that there are plenty of qualified professionals who can give you many reasons that it is a good thing.
So, it comes down to a matter of comfort and opinion. In your situation, rather than making your boyfriend "wrong" and making yourself "right" about this, your best bet is to simply let your boyfriend know what your feelings are, what is comfortable for you and what isn't comfortable for you. Then listen to him express himself. This is how people get to know more about one another, understand one another and get to know each other. It's possible that this could be an issue that "makes or breaks" your relationship if how you feel and how he feels differ and neither of you wish to change. But better to know this sooner than later and better to get the issue out in the open and discuss it rather than submerging your feelings and being worried or resentful.
Best wishes.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon,
I am in need of desperate advise. I am in the final stretch of my divorce in New Jersey and the last issue at hand is parenting time and visitation with my son. We separated in 2000 and during that time was an absent father to our son. He was granted by the court every Sunday visitations however cancelled most of them due to a community service order he received from a drunk driving conviction. He moved to Florida in June of 2001 and since that time has seen our son a dozen times. He is now asking me to allot him out of state visitations with our son in Florida, the first one being a week this Easter.
This is where it gets complicated. My son is only three years old and has Type I diabetes (juvenile). He requires insulin shots two times per day and constant daily glucose monitoring. His father who has been absent from his life for almost a year and a half has his first overnight in NJ to see if he was able to take care of our son medically. I supplied him with step by step instructions on how to administer injections, prepare needles and meal planning. Although I know my husband adores and loves our son I do not feel confident that allowing him to travel to Florida for a week at his age and under his conditions is in the best interest of my son. We have been to mediators and they have told us based on their experience they do not feel our son should have out of state visits until the age of five. The judge on our case refuses to make a decision for us unless we are unable to come to a decision ourselves because of the sensitivity regarding my son's medical condition. I would really like to know what your view's are on out of state visitation for a normal three year old and what you feel about my situation?
Please any feed back is good!
Very truly yours,
Concerned
Dear Concerned:
Your son is fortunate to have two parents who adore him. It sounds like you are fundamentally supportive of your son's father playing a role in his life and it sounds like his father has taken control over his life and cleaned things up for himself. That's great.
With respect to out-of-state visitation, I don't think that there is a hard and fast rule or standard that I can refer to. Every family is different and every situation/case is different. As a professional, I think it is best to take each case individually and look at the issues and variables in each individually. In your situation, the exceptional issue is your son's diabetes which, clearly, requires a good deal of attention and care. Why not have your child's father take a class in care of the juvenile diabetic and why not have him spend some time in your town learning how to care for your son first so that your son is comfortable, he is comfortable and you are comfortable? Certainly, unless it is known that he is competent and able to properly care for your son from the perspective of diabetes, it would be irresponsible and inappropriate to send your son to see him out of state or even accross town.
Thanks for writing and best wishes!
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr.,
I have a 12 year old son. His father and I have been divorced since he was 6 months old. His father has been re-married for approx. 2 years. Recently there has been some suspicion about the step-mother (approx. age 28) and her behavior towards my son. They seem to be very close, which for a long time I was very happy about. However, lately there have been some incidents which cause me concern. For example, she and my son play this "kissy face" game where she kisses his cheek & immediately he turns his head and kisses her cheek...this is repeated approx. 4 times. Also, the on-going joke in there household is that when my son turns 18, the step-mother will divorce the father and marry my son. None of these things were really red flags to me until this last weekend. My son went to his father's for his weekend visitation. His father is working nights and sleeping most of the day. When my son returned, I asked him if he got to spend any time with his father. This conversation lead to my discovering that my son slept in his father's bed with his step-mother! I was completely floored. After further discussion, I know that the two step-sisters were asleep on different couches (of their own free will). Also, my son said later, that he was laying on their bed and the step-mother said she was going to take a bath. He said that he fell asleep. Then he awoke to her tapping him on the shoulder saying, "I done with my bath now." Then my son said, "Then I crashed hard." I would like to hear your comments on this situation, because all of my instincts are that there is something wrong here. Please advise!!!
Thank you for your time,
Michelle - very concerned mother
Dear Michelle:
Thank you for writing. I understand what your specific concerns are and, clearly, I can't comment about whether or not inappropriate things are happening. It does sound a bit unusual for a 12-year old to be playing "kissy face" with anyone, let alone a step-parent. Is this child struggling with his level of maturity or his own boundaries? If so, is the boundary problem or maturity problem something that each home is contributing to? As a parent, I know I would be uncomfortable if my son was sleeping in bed with his stepmother. I think it would be a good idea if all of the adults involved here (you, your former husband and his wife) sit down together to talk about the concerns you are presenting. Get things out in the open. Thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I need some help in making a decision about letting my 13 year old daughter live with her father. I have had custody of my daugter since my divorce in 1997. I have remarried and have a 3 year old boy. Recently we have gotten the Internet, my daughter has been on it talking to alot of people I don't know about wanting to live with her dad. She is being very obstinate about moving. She met a boy where her dad lives, and now she wants to go to his school, which is in her dad's district. She claims is not the boy for her reason for wanting to move. She has been very difficult to deal with. She is tearing me up with her actions of dislike for me, she is telling her friends about her wanting to move and they are encouraging her via e-mail. Her dad is also remarried and has a 13 year old stepdaughter, that recently had him in court over abuse. I really believe it's in her best interest to live with me, but how do I keep from feeling hurt by her uncaring attitude, and not giving in to what she wants?
There is lot more to this story!
Please help me make the right decision.
Dear Mom:
It seems that you are having a dose of what it is like to oppose an adolescent when they have a strong desire about something. But of course, one of the most important tasks of parenting children, particularly adolescents, is thinking carefully about what you believe is best for them, setting limits and sticking to them without being unwilling to re-evaluate your point of view from time to time. You are also seeing the power of the peer group and one of the ways in which the internet and electronic communications are changing many fundamental assumptions about the world.
Ok...enough philosophical rambling. My suggestion...you and her father need to choose a qualified psychotherapist, one with a good deal of experience with adolescents and divorce (i.e. not a new-comer) and allow this individual to explore with your daughter what is going on for her, what she is thinking and feeling and help her to clarify things for herself and for you. With the sound advice of a neutral third party, perhaps you and her father can, as a co-parent team, make some decisions that will be positive for your daughter and foster better relationships with each of you. Certainly with the way things are going now for you and your daughter, it is hard to imagine how you can help her to clarify her feelings in a fashion that leaves her feeling whole and in control of herself. Thanks for writing and my very best wishes to you.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr.
Simon My grandaughter is 16 months old and the court has ordered that she spend two nights a week and three hours on another day with her father.She seems to be having a hard time when her mother or I leave her. We just noticed that the last 5 to 6 times she starts sceaming and crying and tries holding on to us. We have even tried to have her father pick her up at our home but she does the same thing. We are trying to make the transition easier for her by taking her and her father returning her but things are not working. It is very hard to leave her. I keep telling my daughter that it is a stage she is going through but i really don't know that. Should we be concerned that something else is wrong? Her father does not think it is a problem. I am concerned that she is having some attachment problems. The overnights started this way in January. Plus she always seems to come home very tired and moody. We have noticed that it usually takes her a whole day to get back to her self. We could use some suggestions on how to help her. Her mother seems to feel that the baby is angry with us when she returns from her fathers home. Could that be true?
Grandmother C
Hi Grandmother:
The pattern you are describing isn't all that unusual for children her age. Transitions are difficult for children at this point in development. They are truly creatures of routine and until this new routine becomes familiar to her, she will probably protest. One thing that I would want to know is how she behaves and acts while she is with her father. If she is in a good mood and is her "normal self" during her time with her father, that is a positive sign and suggests that what you describe is a feature of the transition itself. Try and find out from the baby's father what her behavior is like in his home and if he notices any signs of distress that are troubling or worriesome.
Thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I am currently pregnant and am due in July 2002. My problem is my ex fiance' wants immediate visitation rights. By immediate visitation I am referring to overnight stays and unsupervised visitation of a newborn child. I have been reading and have really had no success in finding an answer. I do not believe it is healthy for a baby let alone a newborn to be carted back and forth. A baby is so susceptible to infection and many illnesses that I believe introducing new environments would do more harm than good. In your experience what is a suitable timeframe when it is healthy for the child to stay overnight. I am not in any way trying to deny him rights but he is making this pregnancy less than enjoyable. I have enough to worry about being a new mom, as this is my first child, than worrying about when the baby gets here than what kind of turmoil is he going to create. Please help I really could use some expert advice.
Respectfully,
Michelle
Dear Michelle:
Thanks for writing. I hope you are having a healthy pregnancy. There really are no hard and fast rules about when a child should spend time overnight in the home of the father. It sounds like some of your concerns have to do with the potential for illness at a young age. I strongly suggest that you and the baby's father consult together, if possible, with the person who will be the child's pediatrician and get advice about this. I have to tell you that it is encouraging to hear that both you and the baby's father want to have the chance to bond with the baby right away and to be involved in the child's life from day one. Whether or not overnight visits are appropriate right away, certainly daily contact between the baby and the father is a good idea since this will promote early bonding which is wonderful for the child. You mention the issue of supervision. Supervision is put into place when it is believed that a parent presents a level of risk to the child that is not acceptable. Does your child's father present such risk? What kind of experience does he have in taking care of a newborn? Perhaps an infant-care class would be useful for him and reassuring for you. Maybe you should take it too. I strongly suggest that you do everything you can to make sure that the baby's father is a part of his/her life right away and that this interaction be meaningful to both him and the baby.
Best wishes.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr Simon,
I don't really know how to explain this situation to you or ask the questions we need aswered without it beig long.... Any way, My husband is going through a great ordeal with his ex-wife....When they had divorced over two years ago, (which was her decision), he was makig $1600.dollars per week, so he came upwith the agreement that he would pay her $375.00 per week, averages $1500.00 per month plus... After several months of their divorce he was reduced from salry of $1600 per week guaranteed, to an hourly wage...There were some times he didn't meet the hours to make her payment plus have money to live on, however his child support was paid leaving him sometimes $15 dollars left over, sometimes zero dollars left over to live on and pay his on personal bills....He kept on doing this for a while, his work got slow and was forced to seek employment else where....He did find work that was for a pretty good hourly salary being from East Texas...but the hours worked still didn't equal up to what he needed to pay her plus support his own life and obligtions.... We decided to modify motion to reduce child support payments so we hired our family attorney friend. He advised us through-out the ordeal.....We didn't do this to be spiteful or evil to her....We/he just simply couldn't afford the weekly amount owed and it got to where he paid her 25% of his weekly income, then he missed a couple of payments......Any way to make this a little shorter, we went to court...she expected way more than what he was already paying.....she didn't get it....they had mediation outside the court room....but how ever, my husband's attorney was scared they might try to hold him in contempt of court for being a little over a thousand dollars behind they settled for $260. a week instead of $375. per week plus arrearage, plus he has to provide $200 dollars worth of insurance for two kids......Every thing was find with him because we got the weekly reduced even more was added.....We still can't afford this right now.....Any way....She was so mad about the situation, even though she had agreed upon it.... she's now threataning to move the kids from East Texas to Pheonix, Arizona.......She has programmed their 5 year old son and 11 year old daughter there's no way he'll be able to make his visitits....that they will only see him three to four times a year.....She is not a very nice person.... She doesn't even believe in God or going to church! What kind of person is she?????? What we would like to know from you that we can't seem to find out from our attorney at this moment, is what are his rights?????? Since she is the one moving, will she have to meet him half way or all the way or what????? It is listed on papers, they do have joint conservitiveship with her as primary custodian......Can you please help us????? Sorry this is so long and confusing !!!!!!! We are very sad and confused at this point.
Lost in East Texas
Dear Lost:
Your story is a little hard to follow but, to be candid, I'm not sure what your real concern is. It seems to me that the primary thing on your mind is money and support, not the child. It might be a good idea to take a big step back from the situation and re-assess your priorities. Custody and parenting isn't about money, it's about kids.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I am a divorced mom on one eleven year old son. He has been used to having his own room and his own things. Since I've moved to be around my family, I've been kind of forced into helping my sister with her eleven year old son because she works nights. My son is having a hard time adjusting to this and seems at times to be very unhappy with these arrangements. At times I feel guilty because it seems that if I do something with my son alone my sister gets upset as if I'm overlooking her son. So I find myself doing things with them together more than spending the individual time with my son. This makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty if I do and guilty if I don't. Any ideas?
Dear Mom:
This is not an easy situation for you for certain. It sounds like your son has gone through a lot recently with the divorce and then relocation. It is understandable that he is having trouble adjusting to all of the change and to having to share his space and his mom with someone else. There is no doubt that he needs time with you focused on him and he needs to know that you understand how difficult all of these transitions are for him and that he has many feelings about what has happened. I wouldn't be surprised if he experienced a mixture of sadness, anger, fear, guilt and anxiety. While it is true that families are there to support one another, do remember that your son is your primary responsibilty while your sister's son is her primary responsibility. As a result, there will be times where you will "overlook" her son and where this will be appropriate. As always, good communication is the best way to heal the wounds and bridge misunderstanding.
Best wishes to you and your son.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I've been divorced for over a year and have two children, ages 7 and 5. My ex-wife and I share joint physical and legal custody, although the children are in my care only once per week and every other weekend. My ex-wife remarried three months ago. My children have told me that they're forced to call their new stepfather "dad." My ex-wife denies this, and says that she gives the children the choice to call him what they want, and they've chosen to call him "dad." I've spent a lot of time talking to my children about who their real father is. I have a very close relationship with my children and I don't believe that they feel comfortable calling someone who has been in their life such a short time "dad." My ex-wife's response is to accuse me of damaging my children by talking to them about who their real father is. I would appreciate your advice about how I can handle this situation.
Dear Dad:
To answer your specific question, children should not be forced or encouraged to call the new spouse of a parent "mom" or "dad". Be assured, however, that at their ages, your children know who their father and their mother are. You don't need to reinforce this with them.
Time and again, I've seen it happen where the re-marriage of a former spouse brings about an increase in conflict between parents. I have to imagine that this is a part of what is happening in your situation as well. It isn't easy to have another man spend as much if not more time with your children as you do. However, that emotional reality is your problem and issue. Try your best not to make it your children's issue. Just be the great parent you've always been, support their feeling safe in both homes and be open to whatever transitional issues arise for them on the heels of their mother's remarriage. Best wishes! Thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr.Simon,
I have a two children ages 5 and 3. Their father was an abusive alcoholic who never had a steady job and was in and out of jail for quite some time. Over the last two years he has written his children twice and has not called or attempted to see them. I have legal custody. Upon his getting out of jail in September he sued me for full custody. Both of us had to obtain lawyers. During the past two years my daughter and I went to counseling as she was a witness to his abusive behavior. My son does not remember his father at all.
He also has never provided child support for them. Our attorneys are trying to come up with a solution regarding supervised visitation. My problem being is that my daughter does not want to see him. Do I have to force her to go? She has finally let go of her nightmares and tears. I am afraid that this will begin again if she is forced to meet with him. They had wanted to set up the first meeting in a McDonald's with a Supervisor from social services. I am not sure such a public place would be okay? Any thoughts?
Dear Mom:
I can understand your feelings about your daughter spending time with her father. At the same time, the law provides him with certain parental rights and it appears he wishes to attempt to exercise them. With a supervisor in place, the idea is to make sure that the interactions between your daughter and her father are positive and constructive. If things take a different course, the supervisor can intervene. The idea behind a public place is that people tend to be on their best behavior in public where they are subject to the scrutiny of those around them.
Situations such as the one faced by your daughter are, I'm afraid, rather common. After working in this field for many years, I truly believe that it is best to give parents a chance to do better by their children. This is because no matter what, your daughter knows she has a father and therefore has an attachment and relationship with him in one form or another even if he is not around. Giving them another chance to make their relationship into something positive, at her young age, is probably worth the risk given that she has many years ahead of her to deal with the potential for hurt and anger. Best wishes. I know that I and readers of this web site would love to hear back from you with some followup so please write again!
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon,
It has occurred many times within the recent past where my son's father responds to valid questions or concerns about various going's on with visitations in a snotty and disrespectful manner. He has also been resentful about having to carry out punishments/groundings that occur when my son is with him on visitation. He is making comments to him like, "this is my place and I will do as I please." He has also made comments to him "if your mother doesn't like what I do, then that's tough", "none of your business" and the like.
A couple of weeks ago, my son commented to me that "my dad must have been mad at you" when I asked him how his weekend went. He said that his dad hollared and got mad at him for no reason at all and also later on while he was playing with a friend. He has no qualm about conveying his dislike and disrespect for me to our son. My son, who is a gifted ten year old, decided to take 45 minutes of his time to write his dad a letter about the problem. He states that it makes him feel uncomfortable and angry when he says things about me because I am his mother. He told him that I never disrespect or say bad things about him, and the fact that I teach him adamantly to forward nothing but respect because he is his father, despite what he does or says--and that there is consequences for not doing so.
I have talked to him this morning about it and he, of course, denies it all by saying,"I don't think I would say something like that." He then told me that he felt that my asking him to be civil to Anthony and not say anything to him that represented his resentment towards me, that I was making it too hard to have visitation with him. He wants to say and do as he wants without having to understand how it affects others, especially a child. He then told me that if I am going to ground Anthony, that I need to keep him home and cancel visitation. He would rather forgo the inconvenience of parenting and seeing and spending what could be quality time for him and his son, and cancel two to three days of visitation. Instead of taking the time to speak to him about what he did wrong and help guide him towards the right direction, he rather cancel. He says that he feels punished and not allowed to have any fun when he is expected to carry out our son's punishment. I told him that being a real parent carries with it many inconveniences.
What can I do?
My son says that it
hurts his feelings and makes him angry when his dad does things like this...
Toni
Dear Toni:
More and more, I am coming to understand that children can tolerate a good deal of conflict between their divorced parents so long as the parents do not disparage one another, undermine one another or try and pull the children into the conflict or into alliances with one parent against the other parent. While this is not an endorsement for co-parental conflict, it is simply to say that the presence of conflict, even a lot of it, is less toxic than involving the child(ren) in the adult issues.
It is also the case that each parent must be free to decide what takes place in their home and how they parent in their home. If you son's father does not want to carry out certain punishments/consequences in his home, that is up to him. If he doesn't want to "ground" you son and you choose to "ground" him, so be it. It makes me sad for your son to know that his father blames you for making this son's time in his home difficult but it also makes me sad to know that you try and influence the way in which his father disciplines in his home. What will serve your son best is to let him know that each of you love him, that each of you runs your homes differently and that you know he can adjust to this. As for the issue of badmouthing, all you can do is keep your side of the street clean. Believe me, your son will sort out who loves him enough to keep their feelings to themselves and whose love is tainted by anger for the other parent.
Thanks for writing and best wishes.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon,
I read your answer...It is the law in many states that the co-parent is expected to even the ground out and cooperate with punishments placed on the child by the residential parent in a shared parenting arrangement. The judge stated that this expectation unifies a front for the betterment of the child. I agree. My ex understands (so he says now) that I ONLY punish Anthony when he really deserves it, and after being spoken to by the courts, now states that he will cooperate with me for our son's best interest of learning valuable lessons.
I am frankly very surprised that you would endorse his laziness in being a real parent and make it seem like I run his daily life. He has from the beginning stated four different times that he doesn't want to have a baby, doesn't want to watch his son, doesn't want to help do this or that...I spent 5 1/2 months of my pregnancy alone--he never went to one appt with me...I spent the first three years of my son's life raising him without any help from him--even though he lived in the same house and conveniently called himself a father. He doesn't want to do any of the inconvenient stuff that parents have to do...including take care of his son when he has things such as a sore ankle, a headache, etc. These are actual excuses he has used to cancel visitation at the last minute! He actually chose to forgo visitation with his son for over a month and a half b/c he refused to clean his house and keep dangerous meds up away from where he could reach them. I have had to give him a description of what proper diet is... The courts disallowed him from taking our son to his condo for keeping it in unfit manner. He was so lazy that he didn't even provide him with his own bed to sleep in (which is the law) even though he has a spare bedroom. This is a man who sleeps on the couch until 11 am on Saturday and makes his son wait to go and do anything with him...My son has learned to take extra stuff with him to keep himself busy. Yeah, I am just a pain in the butt who expects a man to be a father WHEN HE NEEDS TO BE...I guess I run his whole life...huh. No, I am a fabulous mother who does EVERYTHING it takes to raise a fabulous child, no matter how inconveniencing it gets for me!!! THAT IS A TRUE PARENT--so stick that in your hat and smoke it!
Toni
Dear Dr. Simon:
I am having difficulty with my four year olds father, Gary's insisting that I "forbid" my little one, Zachary to call his step parent, Keith "dad". My son and "step dad" have been together, with me having primary custody, since the child was 10 months old. My son's biological father has apparently been coaching our little boy which I disapprove of greatly. My son does not seem to be confused with calling both of the father figures in his life dad. He has been comfortable calling each the same and both in each other's presence. Keith (step dad) and I have never instructed the child in how to address either the step or biological parent. Of course we refer to his biological father as dad, but it was also easy to understand that when he started calling Keith "dad" it was largely due to other children in the home doing the same and of course his comfort level and bonding with step "dad". Our four year old is coming home from visitations (five days at a time) with statements out of the blue like "my dad Gary says, only one dad, no one else not two, my dad says not Keith" The same type of thing is happening in reference to our home and daycare/preschool. While my son does not seem to be bothered by this too much at this point it is obviously confused and above his understanding. I think this is an unhealthy and selfish tactic by his biological father (Gary) for himself. Not for the benefit of the child, and I am concerned that if this type of persuasion is continued it will begin to affect Zachary negatively. My contention is that the child will obviously understand the difference as he grows older but also will recognize the roles played by each of the respective "dad's".
Also of interest is (biological dad) Gary has a 17 year step daughter of his own who calls him "dad" and is quite comfortable with the fact.
Please let me know your thoughts on this subject.
Dear Mom:
Many divorced parents are faced with this question. My approach to the issue starts with the belief that each of us have only one "mom" and one "dad". While we may have other parental adults who love us, support us and are very important to us, there is only one person who is "mom" and one who is "dad". That said, sometimes children quite naturally come to call a step-parent "mom" or "dad" without ever being prompted or encouraged to do so by anyone. In these cases, it is hard to intervene and suggest that the child change what he/she calls the stepparent. Instead, it beehoves the adults to support the child even if this is painful for them (and it would be understandably painful if you were the "dad" having your child call another man "dad" too). However, I do not believe that it is at all correct to encourage, entice or otherwise try to lead a child to call a stepparent by that special term of endearment that is reserved for their parent. Let us remember, too, that even in cases where the parent is remote from the child or not highly involved, that the child, quite naturally, feels a special attachment that must be respected and honored.
Yes, this is a difficult question and a difficult situation and I appreciate your writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon,
I have a six year old son. His father and I have been divorced for a year now. We have joint shared custody and he spends half the week at my house and half the week at this fathers house. When he is with me, he has difficulty listening to me. I belive that I may be more of the disciplinarian, although I know I am not always consistent. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. When I tell him to stop doing something that I don't think he should be doing, he doesn't always listen. His father lets him sleep in the same bed as he does, as well as buying him things all the time. Last week, he called me a bad mommy, because don't do what his father does. I'm struggling and wonder if it is time to put him in therapy?
Dear Mom:
Believe it or not, it can take many months, even a couple of years, for children to truly adapt to and adjust to the breakup of the family. If you stop for a moment and recognize how hard it is for you, an adult, to truly adjust to the change, you can imagine how hard it might be for a young child. Remember also that while you have only one home, he now has two homes with different rules and different ways of doing things.
Do you have a good coparenting relationship with your son's father? If so, why not get together with him and talk about your son's behavior in each home and about the challenges that each of you face in your homes. Perhaps you can share ideas and tools for parenting your son and make sure that you are on the same "team" when it comes to coparenting. As for therapy, I encourage you to at least sit down yourself with a qualified and experienced psychologist and talk about your son, his behavior, your parenting issues and concerns. While it may or may not be a good idea to have your son seen as well, the psychologist can help you to determine this.
Best wishes,Mom.
Thanks for writing.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I have a 10 year old daughter that I am raising alone, along with two other children from a previous marriage. Her dad has been in and out of her life, appearing for brief periods of time and disappearing without a trace. She saw him for the first time when she was 4. They got along beautifully. He paid the attorney to set up paternity, visitation and child support. After about three months, he disappeared out of her life. About two years later, I talked with him and we came to a mutual agreement. He and I have a very violent past. He was very abusive and even hit me during my pregnancy. I was very lucky to get out of that relationship. I had to turn his child support over to the regional office for collection. This made him furious and he threatened to take her and do something to me. At that time, he called the local Welfare office accusing me of abuse which was totally untrue and was proven to be so.
What I want to know is... it's been another two years without her seeing him. He has disappointed her so much, I just want this to end! He has a violent disposition and has a criminal record because of it. Can I take him to court and take away his rights? I am very happily living with a man, who is wonderful to all of my children, but especially the youngest, because of the void in her life of a daddy. Me and the man I live with now have a very family oriented relationship, not one out of convenience of sex or noncommittment. Would this present relationship hinder my chances of taking her father to court?
Thank you.
Dear Mom:
Thank you for writing. It seems that you are asking more of a legal question and I am not qualified to answer that question since I'm not an attorney. However, I want you to ask yourself what would be accomplished at this point by terminating the father's rights? Will this somehow take away your child's pain? Do you think that this will somehow have her not ask herself questions about him as she grows up? Even though he doesn't sound like a very nice person, I'm concerned that your focus is actually more on your feelings about him (your angry feelings) than upon how to support and help your child. No matter what you may or may choose to do legally (if that is in fact possible), the child the two of you had together is going to have to wrestle with the reality of who her father is and how she feels about him. No act of a court of law will change this.
Thank you once again for writing. Best wishes to everyone.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr Simon:
My wife and I have been in a child custody dispute for three years now. The children are 5 1/2 and 3 1/2 years of age. I feel that she has deprived me of their childhood as I simply want to be an integral part in their lives. I get the standard temporary father visitation, which to me falls far short in time, as I think quantity is equally important to quality time. She has falsely accused me numerous times of the worst kind known to a Father and it has now caught up to her and her live-in mother. She has also proven to be untrustworthy and has been malicious in attempting to remove me from their lives altogether while playing the "victim" role to many in the community, including church members. In fact, she and her new boyfriend play an active role in the church and I am sure have me pegged as the monster from hell. Yet, I continue to promote a positive image of her to the children as I want them to have her in their lives and be close to her.
Here is my question: I am assuming that I will be given primary care by the court assigned expert and the Judge. How can I guard my children in years to come from the awful stories she made up about me; and is it wrong to only give the mother the court ordered time with the children if i believe that she cannot be trusted otherwise (e.g., she may use the extra time as "he just doesn't want to watch them" or provoking me into an argument with her, etc.). I favor them seeing her as often as they like and also would not want to keep them from her.
Anxious and Hopeful Father
Dear Dad:
You can't guard your children from their mother's "awful" stories. You can't make her behave in any particular way. If the impact of these stories is truly and deeply damaging to the children, you have to decide whether placing serious limitaitons on the mother's time with them or asking the court to impose a supervision requirement is better for them than having a more "normal" relationship with her. What you can do is to be the best dad you know how to be, to not do the children what their mother does to them by disparaging you and to parent them from love, not from anger at their mother.
Thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I have a 14 year old that goes to visit her dad every other weekend. When she comes home she is usually upset and complains that her stepmom has said something in regards to my daughter and it is always negative. My ex's wife does not like leaving my daughters and their dad alone. I have been told it may come down to my youngest daughter only seeing her dad for a few hours instead of the weekend. I know this would devastate my daughter like the divorce did. But I don't like watching my daughter coming home and cutting herself because her stepmom has said something to upset her. I have tried to talk to my ex about this. But he can't see it could his wife have him so brainwashed that he really doesn't care anymore about our children.She makes him believe that our youngest starts the arguments when he is not there. I don't know what to do. But I want to do the right thing for my daughter. I really don't want to take my ex's rights of parenting and my daughter's right to be with him if at all possible. I feel it could push her over the edge if it was to happen. I don't even really know what I would tell my daughter if it came down to that. Her dad is her world and she used to be his when we where married.
Thank you for any help you can give. Cindy
Hi Cindy:
It sure sounds like your teenager is in a sticky situation. If your daughter is coming home and cutting herself, this is a very serious situation. However, please understand that if your daughter is cutting herself because of something going on in her father's home, it is unlikely that it is due to something the stepmother says. It is probably due to something her father is or is not doing (such as not being a strong advocate for her in his home.) Please take your daughter to a qualified therapist immediately. Self-mutilating behavior is serious stuff and not to be taken lightly. Get a professional involved.
As the child's mother, please know that it is not up to you to change what is doing on in the father's home. Sure, you can attempt to talk to him about what your daugther is feeling, saying and going through. You can't, however, get him to change what is going on in his home - you can only impact what goes on in your home! Help your daughter express herself to you, support her in being more candid with her father and in expressing herself to him. Your therapist will help with this also. And remember, your child is at an age where she has to take responsibility for her feelings and for her own unhappiness. Your job is to promote her in taking this responsiblity.
Thank you for writing and best wishes. Please write again and let us know how things are going.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My husband and I divorced in December 2001; we have a five-year-old daughter, and we have joint legal custody, with me being the primary residential parent. In 1997 we moved from New York to Florida so that he could take a job here; I am a freelancer. From the beginning I have not liked this city; the public schools are of very low quality, and the city is very conservative and has a strong religious (Baptist) overtone, which does not accord with my own views.
In August 2000 I told my then-husband I wished to move in spring 2002, when our daughter had finished her kindergarten year at a private Montessori school. He agreed, because he wanted to purchase a business, and in June 2001 we visited several communities in the Northeast and chose one with excellent public schools (considered among the top 100 school systems in the country), a real sense of community, and a liberal, intellectual atmosphere. In August 2001 I told him that I did not believe we could work out our marital problems, and during the mediation sessions after that, we agreed that we would all move to the same area in spring 2002 so that our daughter could have both parents in her life. Toward that end, I agreed that we could continue to live in the same house (him downstairs, me upstairs) after the divorce and until the move, to minimize difficulties for our child. He made a trip to the area in October and seemed to be interested in several businesses there. The situation at home was workable, if not ideal.
The divorce was final in mid-December, and he was quite angry with me (perhaps he believed I wouldn't actually go through with it). Shortly after Christmas he informed me that he did not intend to move to the Northeast, had already committed to buying a business here in Florida, but did not object to my moving with our daughter. WHen I asked him why he had done this despite our agreement, he told me that if I could do whatever I wanted (i.e., divorce him), then he could do whatever he wanted. I told him that if this was the case, he needed to move out so that our child could adjust to the separation while she still had her familiar school and friends. He moved out in mid-January and for the past two weeks has seen our child for six or seven hours each Sunday; he has said he is not willing to have her stay overnight every other weekend (during mediation he actually initially said he wanted only one hour of visitation a week; the mediator told him the court wouldn't accept any agreement like that). I know he loves her but he doesn't seem to have any idea of what to do with her--he can play with her but can't seem to handle much else, either in terms of her or life in general. (For example, the divorce agreement specifies quite clearly which household items he is to have, and I have urged him to move his belongings to his apartment, but he has taken nothing from the house but a mattress, one chair, and a few changes of clothing--and he's been living like that for two weeks. Our child has seen his new business but not his apartment.)
I don't know what to do about the move, yet I need to make a decision in the next six weeks. Most immediately, it is now too late to get my daughter into any kind of a decent private school here in Florida for first grade; all the openings are already filled (I called around last week) and the waiting lists are long. But also, I do not want to stay here; for a year and a half now, I have been so looking foward to living in a town that is, in my opinion, a much better place both for me and for my daughter to grow up in. (Part of this likely has to do with the fact that I have a graduate degree and have always lived in either New York City or university towns, whereas my husband is an immigrant with not even a high-school degree and puts education at a much lower priority than I do.)
Of course, if I move, my daughter will see her father only six or eight times a year, at a maximum; I am willing to travel with her, or to make arrangements for her father to stay in our town if he chooses to come to where we are, but he doesn't want her to stay with him for any extended period during summer vacation.
Would I be doing a horrible thing to her if I moved with her to the Northeast? At this point, I'm not sure I know how to balance her need for a relationship with her father (of which, it seems, I am a stronger advocate than he is!) with my firm belief that both she and I will have a better life in a different community, near friends of mine. (Both my parents are dead, unfortunately, and his whole family lives in West Africa, so contact with grandparents is not an issue).
Any advice you can offer would be much appreciated.
Dear Confused Mom:
Thank you for your letter and for sharing your situation with other readers. I know that there are literally thousands of other parents and children who face difficult decisions similar to yours. And wow, are these difficult decisions to make!
Good parents send to think in terms of what is "ideal" for children, what is "optimal" for them and what the best case scenario would be. When it appears that the "ideal" situation is not on the horizon, good parents become anxious, upset and worried. The truth is that parenting and family life, like life in general, is about making the best of situaitons, making choices and striking compromises that, one hopes, will create the most benefit with minimum liability.
No one, not even "experts", can tell you whether moving away will or will not create more benefit than liability for your child. This is a subjective decision that you have to make after careful thought and study within yourself. Yes, it is true that when litigation takes place that the court will make a ruling and that this ruling is often based on the advice and recommendation of "experts" such as myself. However, such experts themselves make their recommendations based upon careful study of subjective realities more than objective realities. Also, any decisions and agreements that parents can make on their own are better than the decisions of experts since when parents are able to reach a mutual decision, this establishes and fosters parental collaboration and cooperation. This is always best for kids!
You seem to be well aware that your child will benefit form ongoing and regular contact with both parents and bilateral support for the child's relationship with the other parent. I encourage a parent in your situation to be sure that the decision you make is not colored by a desire to interfere with the child's relationship with the other parent. And while I hear your frustration and sadness that your child's father doesn't seem to want to spend "quality" time with her, your job is to be sure that you are not trying to interfere with their relationship unnecessarily. It is not your job to try and change how he feels or what his parenting desires are.
I hope that these observations help. Best wishes to you.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dr. Simon,
I recently was awarded custody of my son who is six years old. He just started kindergarten and unfortunately his father and I were still in our battle over custody when he started school. Our final hearing date was at the end of his first six weeks of school, and at that time my son came to live with me.(On October 19, 2001) Things went along smoothly and on November 30, 2001 we received a request for new trial which was denied on January 15, 2002. Before this date of January 15, 2001, my son had been very well behaved in class at school, but has now developed over the last two weeks problems with telling the truth, problems with hitting other children in his class and other problems just behaving. I have thought about taking him to counseling wondered if there is anything I can do first?
Your suggestions are greatly appreciated.
Cyndi Fort Worth, TX
Hi Cyndi:
By all means do consult with a therapist. Your son's behavior reminds me of what many children display when they are stuck between two parents at war. Kids in these situaitons typically act out the confusion they feel within themselves and the conflict they see in their environment. In your particular situation, I have to wonder if your son is struggling with the finality of things and whether he has some feelings about the outcome of the litigation. A qualified therapist who has experience specifically with the population of children who've been the subject of custody litigaiton might be very helpful to your son. Thanks so much for writing and best wishes to you.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
Our five year old son, in the past has drawn on the walls and furniture. He was told not to do it again or he would be in big trouble. This morning I found scratches on the closet door with paint missing, in his room. I think it was done last friday, becuse he was upset. Today our eight year old son spent a lot of time in his room and more holes were discovered in the room. He later brought down stairs with him a small screwdriver saying that is what his brother used for the holes. Neither son is owning up to the holes and scratches. Neither son will confess to the crimes committed. What should we do to get to the bottom of this? We have taken privledges away from both of them.
Help, Please,
Mom and Dad
Dear Mom and Dad:
I know that what your sons are doing is upsetting. I certainly would not want my children doing these things in our home either. However, with regard to problem solving, let's start this way....neither of your sons will be able to acknowledge their mistakes or misbehavior if you, as their parents, want them to "CONFESS TO THE CRIMES COMMITTED." These are not crimes. They are misbehaivors of childhood that have meaning and are communicaitons to you, the parents. If you take the adversarial and judgemental perspective that you are taking, don't expect family collaboration. Expect continued misbehavior and defiance.
Thanks for writing and best wishes.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I am a 27 year old step-mom of an 11 year old. My husband (age 35) and I just got married about 4 months ago and we have been living together for for a little over a year. His daughter Brittany now spends every other weekend and every other Thursday with us. For the last 2 years, my husband, step-daughter, and her mother, Cathy have been planning for Brittany to spend equal time with each parent when she turns 12 next week. Everything was going smoothly with planning the equal time thing until last week when Cathy deceided that she didn't want Brittany to go half and half. I fear that we are in for a long and dramatic custody battle and will support my husband and his daughter with whaterever living situation that we have. Brittany has been insisting for the last year that she wants to spend equal time with both parents. It is her mother who does not want Brittany to spend more time with us.
The immediate problem is with Brittany's sleeping situation. She has been afraid to sleep alone for some time now and as slept with me every night that she hasn't had a friend sleep over since I moved in with my husband over a year ago. She also as fears about being alone in the house and says that she thinks it is haunted. My husband and I have come home to her standing outside in the cold because she was afraid to be in the house alone. I feel like this sleeping situation has put a strain on my relationship with my husband and I would like to have our bedroom back. Rich has insisted to me that Brittany will begin to sleep in her own room when she goes half and half, but it does not look like it will be happening soon. My first concern is for Brittany and I have told my husband that she may need some counceling. He doesn't want to have her go to counseling because he doesn't want to upset her with the upcoming half and half thing. That is also the reason he hasn't had her start to sleep in her own room yet. I am pretty much at a loss of what to do. I don't have any children of my own so I don't have any parenting experience and Rich usually makes all of the parenting decisions about Brittany.
Tracy
Dear Tracy:
I can't begin to advise you about what is troubling young Brittany but her behavior clearly indicates that she is experiencing a good deal of distress. My experience tells me that children with symptoms such as Brittany's do not suddenly become "well" because there is a change in the parenting plan. These symptoms speak to something deeper. While it may or may not be appropriate, at this time, for the child to have a "half-half" time share in each home, it is appropriate to find out what is going on and to find out NOW. I worry that your husband is putting his need to have more time with his daughter ahead of her clear need for some immediate psychological care. Deal with her psychological issues first...finding out what is troubling her may help define what kind of parenting time/share plan is best for her at this time in her life.
Thanks for writing and best wishes to all of you.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I am a Canadian who is engaged to an American. Currently immigration papers are being processed through the INS in the U.S. I have an 11 year old son Sean who says he does not want to move to the U.S. I am 43 years of age and his father is 69 years old. He said he will live with his father. Sean has not given any reason for not wanting to move, only that he doesn't. I have been a single parent to Sean for the past 8 years now. We are close. I have always gotten along with his father as far as visitation and the support. His father feels that Sean should be with me and make the move to the U.S. however on the other hand he feels that if he does not want to go, it should be his right.
I have a feeling that Sean's father may fight me in court on this. His father does not see him all that often, has never participated in any sports events or school events with Sean. He even mentioned that at this state of his life, full time parenting is not really what he wants to do but would do it for his son's sake. His new stepfather to be is really upset over all of this. He is looking forward to being a dad to him, to take him to sporting events, getting him involved in sports and also making sure he gets to College.
Any advice?
Dear Mom:
If you have tried to talk with your son to truly understand his feelings (and I mean understand them, not change them) and you are still unclear about why he feels what he feels, this is a very good time to get to work with a good therapist. I can imagine a number of ways in which an 11 year old would be reluctant to move and that would make good sense to an 11 year old. Have you explored with him how he feels about having a new father figure in his life? What is his relationship with your fiancee like? How well do they really know each other? Could he still be longing to have a better connection with his dad and feel that by relocating his hopes/wishes are lost?
Something you said does catch my attention - specifically that you speak to your fiancee's feelings and his aspiraitons. Your fiancee's feelings have nothing to do with this major decision impacting the life of your son. That he has desires to be a "dad" to you son is very sweet but your son's moving should not, in any way, be about your fiancee's desires to take him to sporting events and help him get into College. Keep the focus on your son! Thanks for writing and I wish you the best in sorting all of this out.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
I have been in/out of mediation & court with my kids' father for the past 1.5 years, and when we come to agreements in these sessions, he always turns around and either breaks them or seeks "loopholes" in the terminology to justify his behaviors and contempt of court actions. This is really frustrating because not only is it a waste of my time, but it causes a lot of aggravation in my household, affecting the way I react to my child in these anxious moments. I consider myself pretty reasonable, and I am aware when it comes to issues dealing with my daughter, I tend to be very passionate. We have resorted to only written communication due to the fact that 1) I lose my temper when we speak verbally, 2) he never listens when I talk to him, and 3) there will never be an issue of he said/she said when it comes to court. All my communications indicate my concerns & set my expectations from him. He considers them harassment & abusive when I send him letters requesting him to take care of his side of the bargain, so he never responds or acknowledges my concerns. So now, this last mediator has recommended that we go to co-parenting classes, something I am not opposed to, but wonder how much better can I get to communicating the needs of my daughter as well as my needs of her father keeping his agreements. Do you have any recommendations for a good co-parenting class that offers certificates of completion? And, what is it that these co-parenting classes have to offer?
Dear Frustrated Parent:
Coparenting classes help parents focus on the needs of the children and how the parents, together and separately, can meet these needs when the child lives in both homes. By keeping the focus on the children and not on the conflict between the parents, coparenting classes help diffuse tension between parents. There are some skills and tools that the parents of dual-household children need that other parents do not need. These skills are not usually taught in typical parenting classes. Ultimately, no one and nothing can keep people from arguing or having disputes if one or both is hell bent on having conflict. In situations such as these, even if only one parent chooses to take the high road, conflict will be diminished and the benefit will accrue to the bottom line of the child's mental health. It sounds like many of the things you are doing with regard to your child's father help to minimize conflict. Keep it up!
I notice that you are in San Diego. I highly recommend that coparenting classes at the Real Solutions Center for Children. You can contact Real Solutions at 619.294.9852.
Thanks for writing and best wishes to you.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon,
I am not sure what I should do in regards to my 3 year old not wanting to see her father. She is 3 in a half and a very strong willed, independant little girl. Her father and I have been divorced for less than a year. It was an ongoing event that should have ended long ago. The problem I am having is that her and her father never had a relationship when we were together. Now, that he gets to see her every other weekend she throws a fit when I tell her she is going to daddy's house. I have noticed temper tantrums, toileting problems, clingy behavior, not wanting me to leave. Her father and I are on good terms with talking but he gets very defensive when it comes to this subject. He states that I am too overprotective, that I made her a mommy's girl. I don't respond a whole lot and just encourage her to have fun at his house. He loves her very much and I know that she needs her father. However, should I be paying closer attention to what she is and is not saying about what she needs.
Please help,
a saddened mother
Dear Saddened Mother:
Both you and her father need to play close attention to what your child is saying and how she is behaving since it is obvious that something is wrong. From what you say, it sounds as if you trust your child's father and that you see him in a positive way. If this is true, hopefully you are communicating this to your child clearly and unambiguously. Since you communiate well with her dad, ask him what her behavior is like once she makes the transition to his house and if her behavior is calm/happy once the transition has taken place. I've seen many children your daughter's age who have problems with transitions and adjusting to changes and who display unstable behavior as a result. Since an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, why don't you and your child's father consult together with a qualified child psychologist in your area who specializes in divorce and dual-household kids. I'm confident that you'll find some ways to help your child adjust and adapt to the realities of her life.
Thanks for writing and best wishes.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I am in love with a wonderful man. He is going through his first divorce after a 22 year marriage. He has three children, 21, 19 and 10. His soon to be ex wife was ONCE my best friend. His oldest son is engaged to my 20 year old daughter. Sounds complicated huh? His soon to be ex wife is making our life miserable. Let me begin by saying I had no part in the breakup of their marriage. She was having numerous affairs and I was her only confidente. (Lucky me!) She left her husband to pursue the "single" life. He was dumb struck, very hurt, and didn't know how to deal with the sudden change. Of course, he had no idea she left because of all the affairs. She told him she was leaving to "find herself" and always left him with the impression that she would eventually return home. This of course was the farthest thing from the truth. He would call me, knowing I was her best friend, and ask my advise as to what he needed to do to get her to come home. I, of course, knew she had no intention of coming home and even given that, I tried to be a friend to him also. I never once told him about any of her affairs. He and I had many long phone conversations only about her, and still I never let on about her secrets. I didn't want to lose her as a friend.
Long story short, eventually, his and my conversations began to be about other things. We met for lunch one day to "just talk". He kissed me at my car that day, and it was the best feeling in my life. He felt the same way. I didnt want to be a rebound to him and have took things very slow for that reason. We know at this point that we are very much in love and want to spend the rest of our lives together. She has stopped speaking to me and has slandered my name to all our mutual friends saying that I broke up their marriage. She has bad mouthed me to their children telling them the same thing. She has called me garbage, slut and whore. The only child that believes her is their 19 son that lives with him. Their 21 son lives with my daughter and the 10 year old lives with her. She says that because of his and my relationship, we are not thinking of his son and my daughter (that are engaged now). They think that our relationship is wonderful and have told her that. She still is believing what she wants to believe. We are both good people. We are not trying to hurt anyone.
We both feel we have been very hurt in the past by ppl that we loved very much and feel very lucky that we have now found our "soulmates". All we want to do is live in some sort of peace and harmony for the remainder of our lives. She is not letting us do this. She has a regular boyfriend now and we wonder why she just cant be happy with him and leave us alone. She is relentless. She is making us crazy. We both have began counseling which hasnt seemed to help any at this point. We have been forced to obtain a restraining order againist her for deragatory remarks. We dont bother her. We dont slander her or her boyfriend. She is making her children miserable and blaming us.
Thanks, Vi
Dear Vi:
All of this goes to show that no matter how
old children are, they can be terribly hurt by parents who try and influence
them to align against the other parent. No matter what age we are, we all want
to be able to have a relationship with each of our parents, free from
interference! If there is one thing that divorced parents can do to make things
better for everyone, it would be to give the children the freedom to love on
their own terms.
Period.
Thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My brother and his ex-fiancée got in a fight and she kicked him out. She has been diagnosed with bipolar, schizophrenia, post-traumatic stress disorder and post partum depression. A couple of weeks after they separated, she "flipped out", and neighbors called an ambulance to take her to the hospital. Their baby (1 month old at the time) ended up staying with my brother's ex-fiancée's brother. His ex had filed a restraining order against him. Since they weren't married, they had to have the "Paternity Affidavit" go in front of a judge. Therefore, my brother can't have the baby until he goes to court. His ex is still in the hospital, and he is going to an emergency hearing to try to get custody of the baby. My question is, how likely do you think it will be for my brother to have full custody of the baby? His ex has 2 other kids, and can't get full custody of them.
Thanks, Stacey
Dear Stacey:
Thanks for writing. I'm sorry that your brother's child is having to go through these difficulties at such an early age. It sounds like the child's mother is struggling and one can only hope that the legal system can help sort out what is best for the child right now. If the child's mother has major mental illness and is showing multiple active symptoms, the child is probably not safe in her care. Please do remember, however, that mental illness is just that...an illness. Ill people can get better and let's hope that the mother does. I'm sure that it will be very hard for you to ever trust that the child's mother will be safe with the child and it may well turn out that your brother is the most appropriate primary parent for the child. However, remember that every child has two parents and needs to be free to love and have a relationship with each parent. While it is easy to understand the hurt and anxiety that your brother must be feeling, do encourage him to keep his heart open to the child's need to know and love the mother so that the child is not seen as a posession.
Thanks for writing and best wishes to you.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I know you are not an attorney. What I have to write to you is very difficult, but I have no where else to turn right now. I am a mother of two beautiful children ages 8 and 6. I have been divorced from their father for 4 years now and was recently remarried to a wonderful man 5 months ago. I have physical custody of the children. The problem started approximately 8 months ago when I was terminated form my job for theft. I was having terrible times and was desperate. I was wrong and admitted I was guilty.
A week ago I was placed on probation for a year as punishment and my ex husband had found out about it. He is now going to sue me for custody of the children. I have had physical custody of them since we split years ago. I am a good mother. The children and I have one of the best relationships parents and kids can have. They also have a great bond with my husband. They call him "dad" around the house. The children love their dad, however they do not really care for their fathers live in girlfriend. They live in a two bedroom, small house with one of her 3 children. My question is due to the probation can I be considered UNFIT to the children. We still provide for them and I am making my bad judgment right. I am making restitution. I have never been without my kids nor the other way around. We go everywhere together and do everything together. We are not just parent child we are best friends. I am actively involved in their lives. We do cub scouts with my son. I go to all parent teacher conferences and anything that involves school. My ex has never been to their school. Never even been to a doctor's appointment. I am concerned what this would do not only to myself but to my children if we were to be separated. I am not really sure what my question is I just didn't know where else to go for now. I have spoken to a lawyer and I get vague answers. I guess I want to know what unfit consists of and if I sound like I fit that category due to a big mistake. This is my first time in trouble and last. Please help in any way you can.
A loving mother
Dear loving mother:
When psychologists assist the court system in helping determine what is in children's best interests, we look at the big picture of who the parents are. We look at both strengths and weaknesses (everybody has both). We look at the plusses and minuses of the home/community environment. We look at the nature of parent-child relationships and how each parent thinks about and approaches the challenge of parenting. Certainly there are single things a parent can do that would cause a psychological expert to worry about their fitness as a parent. For the most part, however, it is a matter of understanding things as a whole and in context. Thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My son married a woman with a child. They had two children. She left him and all three of the children. They got a divorce. She now has the child that she had before they married. She also has the other two every other weekend. She is living with a man and they are into drugs. My son wants to keep the children away from that sort of environment. She will let him keep the younger two but not the older child. While they were married she had her child's name changed to his. There was no adoption. Now, she says he is not my son's child. My son loves this child as his own. If he can't get this child out of the environment of drugs and living in a one room apartment maybe he can at least get his kids out of this.
Thank you,
Wanda
Dear Wanda:
I cannot provide you with qualified answers to the legal questions you ask since I'm a psychologist, not an attorney. My experience as a custody evaluator, however, is that if your son's "non-son" has a quality attachment to him and if his mother's life and environment is truly very negative that the psychological attachment is every bit as important and compelling as the issue of who is his legal parent. Certainly, if the mother is in an environment where drugs are being used and in which she parents while under the influence, this is something you want to protect children from. However, I have to wonder why you are the person writing the inquiry and not your son? Whose concerns are these? I ask that because this is key to knowing what the best solutions are.
Thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon,
I have been divorced for 9.5 years. I left my husband due to his drinking, and abuse problems. Together we share a daughter. I fought for 2 years to get her, we share legal custody, I have sole physical custody. Our daughter is now 12. My ex has a bad temper, and it's hard to try to talk about difficult situations. I heard a rumor the other day that Beth was going to live with her dad soon. Not knowing what to think, as I thought she has content here, I asked her about this. All she could do was cry, and say dad said not to tell you. Of cource I was devestated!!! As we talked further she said she wanted to live with me, but was afraid of dad. This really gave me mixed feelings. If she truly wants to live with dad, maybe I can handle this. But if he is bullying her into this with threats,I don't know what to do. I am desperate for some advice, as to what I should do or say to her and her dad.
Sincerly,
Heartbroken mom
Dear Heartbroken Mom:
Kids suffer when they are pressured by parents to feel one way or another with it comes to custody and child sharing. Indeed, the older our kids get, the more they suffer when they are pressured to think a certain way about anythign at all! Please let your daughter know that you are happy that she is able to express herself to you and that it is fine for her to be with her father if she wants this but that if she has concerns about this, she needs to speak to her father about this. If she is really afraid to speaking honestly with her father, certainly that speaks to difficulties in their relationship that I'd be worreid about too. I'm also concerned, however, that you not confuse your feelings about the father with your daughter's feeligns about him. If the conflict and mistrust between you and the child's father is at a very high level, the chances that your child is confused about how she feels and that she represents different feelings and desires to each of you is also very high. It may also be helpful for your daughter to see a therapist who specializes in the children of divorce to help her sort out her real feelings.
I hope this helps.
Thanks a lot for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
Hi, My husband is the father of a 5 and a half year old girl. He had a very difficult time getting visitation with her but since age 2 we have had overnight visitation on weekends and visitation for a couple hours during the week. He is now in the process of seeking joint visitation in order to be able to take her to school. Since the filing of the papers in November, she is now having extreme difficulty in visitation with us to the point of not wanting to come at all. What could be causing this after three years of happy, loving visits What could be done to correct this? He has tried bringing her home when she cried and just saying no. Nothing seems to be working.
Carol
Dear Carol: Two things immediately come to mind with regard to this child's reactions. First, I wonder if she is responding to an increased level of conflict between her parents. When parents litigate custody and go through the conflict that comes with litigation, children are aware of the conflict even if both parents make efforts to shield the child from it. The emotional overwhelm that comes with this kind of conflict is more than a young child can handle. It is common for children in such situations to withdraw from one home in hopes of protecting themselves from the conflict. I also wonder if either your husband or the child's mother are directly saying things to her about the other parent. If, for example, the child's mother is saying negative things about your husband, this could frighten the child particularly if she has spent the majority of her time with her mother.
Because I cannot at all be sure what is causing the child's behavior (and there are other potential causes besides the ones I've suggested), it is hard for me to suggest what can be done to help the child. However, it can be said that it would be wonderful for this child if the parents can reach an agreement on their own by mutual accord. The alliance and collaboration that would come with this would be wonderfully supportive of the child. Best wishes and thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
Hi, My name is Sara I live in Mississippi. I am 16 years of age. I want like to ask you a question. My mom and dad are divorced. My dad has legal custody of me. I want to move in with my mom and she wants me to move in with her and my dad won't let me ( my mom and dad live in the same town). I would like to know legally can I refuse to go home to my dad's and stay with my mom or do I have to get a lawyer?
Sincerely, Sara
Hi Sarah:
Thanks a lot for writing. Since, I'm a psychologist and not a lawyer, I can't give you legal advice. Even if I was a lawyer, I would not necessarily know how the laws and regulations work in your part of the country. I can tell you that in most areas, the courts give a lot of weight to the desires of a 16 year old when it comes to making new custody orders. But each situation is different and without knowing the facts, I can't say whether or not the Courts would take your point of view seriously.
Here in San Diego, a minor cannot have his/her own lawyer unless it is ordered by the judge. What would normally happen here would be that your mom would file a motion with the court for a change of custody. Before the court hearing, the parents would go see a mediator who would try and help them work through their disagreement. Mediators are usually anxious to speak with kids your age as well. If your parents did not reach an agreement, the mediator would write a report for the Court and make recommendations. Since they would probably have spoken with you, your opinion would be known too.
I know that this is all probably very frustrating and confusing but I sure hope it helps you. But do remember, please, that the way things work in your area could be different.
Thanks for writing, Sarah.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My daughter has a six year old son. I'm worried about both of them. My daughter is going through a lot and is harming herself. She cuts her arms until they bleed and she has also been using drugs.
Is my grandson safe?
Dear Grandad:
It sounds like your grandson needs you now more than ever. It sounds like your daughter is psychologically unstable and possibly unsafe. Since she is having problems taking care of herself right now, no doubt her care of the child is a problem as well. I strongly suggest that you step in and give your grandson an environment that is stable while your daughter gets the help she needs. Best wishes.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I am married to a man with two children, a boy 9 and a girl 12. My husband and I also have two children, 5 and 2. We have been married for 7 years. I love my husband very much. We are both at our wits end with his son. I never in my life imagined a boy that young could be so manipulative as he is. We live over two hours one way from them but have never missed a visitation although his son refuses to come. He hates us and does not wont to be a part of our family. The list goes on. The last time he came he packed up almost everything he owned and said he is never coming back. Of course he went home and told his mother that I packed his items. I have tried so hard with this child even though he has caused more trouble in my life than I could have ever imagined. It has come to the point that his lies are about to make me have a nervous breakdown. In fact I am at the point that I do not care if he comes - at least there will be peace. Do you have any advice on how we can handle this situation. It is also at the point that I have even thought of packing my bags as well as my children's and leaving. Thank you.
Dear Stepmom:
Situations such as the one you are describing are usually very complex. It sounds like your stepson has probably become caught in the middle of conflict between your home and his mother's home.
It also sounds as if somehow a misalliance has developed in his relationship with you. Without knowing how the situation has developed and unfolded over time, it is difficult to offer specific ideas or advice about what you can do to work through the situation. Many things can and do go wrong in situations such as the one you've described. One of the most common problems is when the father allows the stepmother to become the primary caretaking adult in the home. Has this happened in your home? If so, it would certainly help explain his feelings. Another common problem is that the children from the new marriage and the children from the former marriage are subtly or overtly treated as if they are from different "classes." Of course, one also wants to know if the child's mother is somehow undermining his relationship with your husband and with you but in such as case, one might expect to find that both of his children were struggling. It sounds very important that you consult with a qualified and experienced child psychologist who focuses on and has extensive experience with children of dual family households and who understands the dynamics of remarriage. Don't give up yet...kids are too precious and important. Their pain and struggles give the adults in their lives the message that they need help, understanding, support and love.
Thanks for writing and best wishes.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I have been divorced for about 10 years and my son who is 13 has been coming over most weekends since the divorce. I have a good relationship with my ex-wife who encourages our son to visit. However, my ex-wife lives about 50 miles away and our son has no friends at my house.
During visitations, we try to spend a good amount of time with him but also allow him time to play with his computer and Nintendo, games, TV, etc. We've never really had any issues with visitation over the past several years. When he is over we have some activities (guitar lessons, bowling league, errands, etc.) but recently we were surprised that he did not want to come over during one of his scheduled visits. We're not sure if this is an isolated incident or going to be an issue which we'll have on a more frequent basis. We recognize at some point the visitation will become a lot less frequent but don't think it should be just yet.
In response to this, my wife (I have since remarried) and I are thinking we should consider cutting back somewhat on visitation (going from 3 to 2 weekends a month), asking him to bring a friend over more often for the weekend, and planning more activities for the weekend. But beyond this are there other things that we should be doing? Should a 13 year have input into the visitation schedule? If not, how can we enforce his visitation? We enjoy having him over and would like some help on what to do.
Thanks for your help!
Sincerely,
Dad looking for help
Dear Dad: Thank you so much for writing. You are asking some great questions. First and foremost, congratulations to you and your son's mother for maintaining a positive and cooperative co-parenting relationship. That's often not easy as you probably know!
Even when kids have parents that live in the same city - even the same area of the city - they often begin to desire to do less shuttling between the homes as they move into their teen years. There are a lot of reasons for this, some having to do with developmental issues and others being much more mundane (such as wanting their friends to know where to find them!). It is not surprising that your son, particularly if he is a social young man, now begins to want to spend more of his free time in his mother's community since this is where his friends and activities are. Your idea about having him bring a friend for the weekend is a great one and I would pursue it actively.
Please sit down with your son and let him know that you notice his feelings are changing, that you are not angry with him about this but that you want to understand how he is feeling and find ways to better meet his needs. Don't be defensive and make sure your son knows that he is not being called on the carpet. He can probably give you lots of helpful information that will make things clearer for you and positive for him.
With regard to whether a youngster his age should have input - I think this depends in large measure on the youngster, the maturity of his judgment and so forth. You are no doubt finding that he wants more and more say about his life - and there are areas of his life that he needs to have more say and control over. This may be one of them but it depends on the child and the individual situation. In terms of enforcing visitation - do you really want to "force" him? Do you think that doing this will create a better relationship or might it cause your relationship with him to deteriorate? Best wishes, Dad, and thanks for writing. I'd love to have an update from you and I'm sure that other visitors to the web site would enjoy knowing how things unfold in the coming months. Write again!
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Hello Dr. Simon,
I am a 34 year old, divorced woman who has a 6 year old son. I have legal custody of the child. His father had never really shouldered any responsibility or showed signs of love or caring for the child. In fact the child has never known what it is like to have a father. He was always away trying to get a Masters degree which he eventually never got around to acheiving. He always shirked responsibilities towards the child or me for that matter, be it emotional or monetary.
I received my divorce 18 months ago on the grounds of having deserted us. I have always stayed with my parents even post marriage since he had gone off to pursue higher studies and my son looks up to them and me as his world. I am a software professional and have erratic working hours. He is doing very well at school. He believes in doing his homework before all else. His father is away across the seven seas. Earlier, he would call my son and talk to him but one fine day, my son simply refused to talk to him of his own accord. Needless to say, I was pleased. In all of the kid's 6 years, he must have seen his dad for 5 full days and seen just another person in his life not a "father". Lately, he has been speaking of how parents turn up at PTA's at school. I feel the time has come to explain to him that he will never have his father near him. I do not wish to speak ill of his father because I do not wish to demoralise his mental structure of a "father". From the way things have been, there is no likelihood of his father ever visiting him or speaking to him over the phone. Apparently he has remarried. All ties seem to have been broken. I still feel I need to make things clear to my son. He is very sensitive, obedient and an angel and a no-problem kid. I do not want to break that equilibrium. Please advise.
Thanks in advance,
Dear Mom:
A parent who would be "pleased" that her child does not wish to speak with his father cannot say, with any sense of credibility, that she does not "wish to speak ill" of his father or "demoralise" his mental structure. Think carefully about where you are coming from with regard to your child's father before you try to help him understand the reality of who is father is and what he can and cannot expect from his father.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My fiance Darren and I are getting married very soon. We both have two children each from previous marriages. Our wedding happens to fall on a weekend that Darren does not have visitation with his children and his ex wife is not allowing the boys to attend and be in the wedding. Darren has an extremely healthy and loving relationship with the children and they've expressed their desire to us and their mom to be at/in the wedding but she refuses. We are only asking that we have 6 hours with the children on that day and she's making this difficult, especially for the children. Do you have any advice on how to handle someone so stubborn?
Thank you.
C.
Dear C:
I don't know how one can "handle" or reason with someone who acts in this manner. It sounds like she is willing to use your wedding as an opportunity to play out her angry feelings towards the children's father. It also worries me that she would continue to refuse to allow them to attend despite their having let her know that they wish to attend. You can, of course, seek a court order allowing the children to attend if you wish to do this. However, allow this situation to make it very clear to you and your husband that expecting the kid's mom to behave in a child-focused manner is not realistic. This means that you have to work even harder in your home to keep the focus on their needs, not on your emotions or understandable desire for retribution. Show them a different way of relating and problem solving...they'll thank you in a million ways for this.
Best Wishes and Happy Marriage!
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr Simon.
I have recently gotten married for the first time but this is my wife's second marriage and she has 2 daughters 14 and 17 from her previous marriage. I moved to America from England to be with my wife who is American. She is 36 and im 34. I was living with my wife and her 2 children for a month before we got married and unfortunately we never told the kids we had got married.
Now that they know it seems extremely hard to communicate with them. It seems to me like they begrudge me being with their mother and although i consider myself as having a strong personality, I can't seem to come to terms with the stress that has transpired since. My wife has a weak personality and always has. It looks like the kids are playing on her weakness. Although during their lives this has always happened so im told I dont feel that I am in a position to keep quiet as my wife and I have discussed. Every single thing she says to them gets replies in raised voices, bad attitude and hurtful remarks. To make the situation worse my wifes ex-husband has given the children the idea that it was our meeting that caused the divorce and this hasn't helped in the least.
Do you have any advice as to how we can deal with this situation and make everyone happy? Can you suggest psychological help?
Mark
Dear Mark:
Thank you for writing. Your situation sounds complicated and I'm sure you were only able to present a small amount of it in your letter. I'd have to guess that your wife's children have been upset, angry and defiant for quite some time and that this pre-dates your marriage. However, it is hard to imagine that your concealing your marriage from them did much to engender their trust and alliance. I would suggest that you let them know that you understand that this was a mistake and that you offer them a sincere apology.
Your job in this drama is to be your wife's husband, to support her, console her, give her ideas and back her but you do not yet have the credibility or the relationship with her children to take on a parental role with them. This can be a source of conflict if the two of you disagree about how to handle the girl's behavior since their behavior will impact you yet you cannot directly parent them, set limits and so forth. And while it is unfortunate that the girls' father is making blaming statements to them about their parent's divorce, your wife and you know what the truth is and you are best advised to live this truth and not give power to the statements that the father makes.
I absolutely would suggest that you get some kind of counseling/therapy. I would also suggest that you and your wife locate a class on coparenting - that is, parenting after divorce. Best wishes and thanks so much for writing!
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I am writing on behalf of my sister who has a 4yr old and a 2 yr old. She and her husband will be seperating for approx 6 months to contemplate their marriage. The question she has is this. She wants to move out of the house to get away from her husband and move back home with my mother and her kids (approx 1 1/2 hours away). She will work fulltime and have the kids in daycare. Her husband would see the kids on the weekend. He however brought up another plan of having the kids for one week where they would go to their regular daycare and be in their own home and be with dad. The following week they would come and stay with mom and adjust to a new day care setting which they would be attending every other week. How would this second scenario be on the kids?? Being one week at one home and daycare and the next week being with the other parent and a new daycare?? Your help would be greatly appreciated.
Sincerely, Parish
Dear Parish:
Lets start this way - if this is to be a potentially temporary separation, it is probably a poor idea to move the kids to a new area. Relocation is very stressful for everyone - especially kids. When families transition from marriage to separation/divorce, it is always best, whenever possible, the keep the kids as rooted in their familiar community/neighborhood if at all possible. Thus, before contemplating how best to have these kids split their time between two communities, it may be best for your sister to reconsider her plan to relocate to an area 90 minutes away fro where she is now. While I know that this isn't what you asked, I hope this helps.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I have a male friend who has a 7 year old daughter. They have a very open household and she bathes/showers mostly with her mother and sometimes her father. Recently, he took his daughter and her 7 year old friend swimming and changed in the family change room with them. He seemed surprised that the friend (a girl) looked uncomfortable about taking off her clothes in front of him. I never did find out if he removed his clothes in front of her. He also recently told me that he brings his daughter into the men's room with him when she has to use the washroom. I think this is very inappropriate but he seems to think it's normal. Is it????
Thank you.
Dear Friend:
Nudity in the home, between members of the family, is something that each family has to make its own decisions about. Some parents are very uncomfortable with being nude in front of their children and other find it very natural and of no concern. (In discussing this subject, I am assuming that family nudity is non-sexual in nature, of course.) Most children will in one way or another let parents know when they are not comfortable seeing them nude, when they are overstimulated by this or when they wish for their own privacy. I find it a bit unusual that this father would choose to undress in front of someone else's female child or that he would imagine that this child would comfortably disrobe in his presence.
With regard to the use of public restrooms, with father taking more of a hands-on caretaking role with children, there is often no choice but to have their young female children use the men's restroom when out in public. It isn't safe to send a young girl unaccompanied into a woman's room nowadays and it seems that the safety afforded by going into the men's room with dad is outweighed by any other factors. And do remember, for years, moms have taken their boys into ladies rooms. Thanks for writing and best wishes.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I am a daughter (31 years of age) who allowed my mother and stepfather to adopt my now 6 year old daughter when she was 3. My life has always been a mess and because of circumstances of alcohol and drug abuse I was unable to care for my daughter in a loving Christian way. I am now enrolling in a 12 to 15 month Christian rehabilitation program so that eventually I can regain custody of MY child. Of course as you can imagine there are alot of hard feelings between my mother and I, not just associated with the adoption but a lifetime of problems my mother and I have had. I am very grateful that my mother and stepfather have taken on the role of "parent" but the main issue that we have now is that my mother is constantly telling me, in front of my daughter that I am not her mother that I gave birth to her and now they are her mommy and daddy (I raised her until the age of 3, then my father died of a drowning and my problems with alcohol and drugs became larger). My daughter knows me as mommy and up until my daughter started living with them called them grammie and granddaddy. Now my mother calls me Tina to my daughter, not mommy.
My daughter still calls me mommy around me and Tina around them (as if not to hurt any of our feelings). My opinion is that this can not be in the best interest of my daughter. I am and will get my daughter back and I am on the road to doing so. What are we going to tell my daughter when I start raising her, who her grandparents are and who her mom is? My mother is always saying lets do what is best for my daughter, I just do not see how this is the best.
Please give my heart some answers or insight. Thank you.
Dear Mom In Pain:
It is hard to know where to begin with respect to your situation so allow me to begin with an important practical consideration. Since you allowed your mother and stepfather to adopt your daughter, does this now mean that they are the legal parents? If so, how will it be possible for your to once again become the legal parent unless they relinquish their parental rights back to you? I strongly suggest that you consult, immediately, with an attorney in your area who is very familiar with adoption law so that you know what is and is not possible. It would be tragic for you to have your hopes going in a direction that is not realistic, only to find that out later on.
With regard to the question you ask about what name the child should use when referring to you and your mother, this is very complex and I am not sure that there is a particular answer that is right or wrong. This is because your mother is now, legally, the child's female parent - someone a child normally calls "mom" and yet you are the child's biological mother, have raised her for half of her life and she knows this. Also, your daughter had a term of endearment for your mother, "grammie", before your mother adopted her. So this is really a complex situation for which there is no textbook answer.
What does seem clear, however, is that the issue of what names should be used is a way in which you and your mother continue to play out your conflict with one another. This seems to be the most important issue. For if it is to be the case that both you and your mother are going to be present in your child's life for years to come, you have to find a way to settle your differences so that the child is free to love each of you and be close to each of you. Arguing in front of her is one of the worst things you can do.
Best wishes to you and thank you so much for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I have a problem with my 17 month old boy being very jealous of our 5week year old girl. When ever my wife has the both of the children he yells and screams and makes if very hard for her to be able to take care of our baby. Its no problem when the both of us are there at the same time, but whenever they are alone he turns into a little devil. She can't even put the baby to sleep without him throwing a fit from her showing the attention to the baby that she needs. You can see the jealousy he shows towards her; my wife is stressed out because of it which streses me out. Please help us in this situation.
Jason
Dear Jason: It sounds like you have a pretty straightforward case of adjustment/jealousy. Your son is at an age where the introduction of a sibling would be expected to bring difficulty for him. His behavior sounds like the behavior of many toddlers his age who are not yet developmentally able to understand the change and whose emotions overtake their behavior. Please understand that this is normal even though I know it is very stressful for you and your wife. I suggest that you and your wife each take some time out of each day to spend alone with your son. Focus on him and don't let anything take you away from the focus. Even 10 minutes of very focused time from each of you each day would be very helpful to him. Make sure to show him and tell him that you love him and when friends/family come over to see the new baby, ask them to pay attention to your son also. If they bring a gift for the baby, a small gift for your son would be helpful for him also. He will adjust - kids are very resilient. Give it a bit more time and try some of the things I've suggested.
Best wishes and enjoy your growing family!
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon,
Hi, I am 16 years old and I
don't know if you answer questions for teenagers but I have a problem and I
thought you might be able to help. Okay, here goes my story. My dad wants a
divorce from my mom because he said that he didn't love her the same way more as
a best friend. My mom doesn't want to get a divorce. She loves him and doesn't
understand what's wrong. She is having nervous breakdowns and I hate seeing her
like this. My dad left a little while ago and he said that it was for the best.
My little brother is always upset and we constantly fight, even if we don't mean
to. I just wanted to help my mom out. Please if you have any idea on what I
might do to help them out e-mail me back.
Thankyou.
Sincerely, Brittany
Hi Brittany,
I'm sorry to hear that you and your family are going through this. Divorce is one of the most complicated and emotionally difficult things that adults and children go through. Please know that your parent's decision to split up is not something you can change nor are you responsible for changing it. It is so important that no matter what happens that each parent makes sure that you are free to have a relationship with each of them and to love each of them. While you may be angry at your father and sympathetic towards your mother right now, my guess is that you love both of them very much. Stay focused on this, Brittany. Remember that your job here is to be a teenager, not a healer and not a soother. If it is too hard for you to have your parents telling you their feelings about the divorce and seeking your support, please tell them this too. Take care.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My Fiancée has 2 children. Her son is 5 and her daughter is 9. She is currently going through a divorce. I get along wonderfully with the children. Mercades is her daughter and she lives with her father about 45 minutes to an hour away from us. Orlando is her son and he lives with us. The children's father wants custody of the daughter and my girlfriend wants custody of the son. This doesn't seem right to me. No matter how much I try to tell them neither one will listen. I know I am just the boyfriend but her daughter talks to me we have an aweesome relationship and she tells me how it hurts and how she wants to move back in with us but then when she gets around her father he tells her thats not what she really wants and she breaks down. I really could use some advice on how to get them all to open their eyes and see what they are both doing to the kids in this. I love those two children more than anything on this earth.
Please Help
Sincerely James
Hi James:
Unfortunately, I doubt that you can "get them all to open their eyes" in this kind of situation since the dynamics of their conflict are probably far more powerful than the insight you can bring to the situation. From what you state, it seems that your girlfriend and her ex-husband are having trouble staying focused on the children and are unwittingly using them as a way of dividing up the "spoils of war" so to speak. With rare exception, it is often best for young children to stay together when their parents split up, particularly early in the divorce adjustment process. The children are each other's support system and their relationship and togetherness forms a consistent base for them. While you probably cannot make these parents open their eyes as you state it, you can continue to be an ear to the children, you can help them sort through their actual feelings and encourage them to express these feelings to their parents openly and honestly.
Best wishes and thank you for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My boyfriend and I have been dating since July ( about six months) and have fallen in love. He has been separated two years and has started divorce matters. He is Jewish, I am Christian and he has three children and so do I, except only two of mine live at home with me. His children live with their mother in another state. His children met me in the summer and we all hit it off well, with he exception of his ten year old son. The children are now with us for the holiday break. I had Hannukah gifts for them and my boyfriend bought Christmas presents for us. We are having so much fun, with the exception of the one son, who is hostile towards me and resents me terribly. He is rude to me and does not want me to do anything with them while they are here. The other two, ages 13 and 7 want to be with me all the time. I have done everything I know to win the affection of this little boy and I know that he is going through alot right now so I am trying to be understanding, but I do not want to subject myself to his treatment of me and it is causing me to not want to spend time with my boyfriend when the kids are here. Any advice?
Dear Writer:
Children respond differently to new situations and you are obviously aware that this situation is a complex one for everyone involved. You cannot force yourself on this young man nor can you make him like you. His father, however, can require that his behavior be appropriate and that he treat you with the common decency and courtesy that one should treat others with.
This is his father's responsibility, not yours. It is not at all uncommon for children and differences about children to create challenges for new relationships. The best recommendation I can give you to is to keep your communication with your boyfriend open and flowing and to be open with him about what you think/feel while making sure that you remain open to what he thinks/feels.
When children are involved, the pace with which a new relationship unfolds is impacted by the children and their response to the relationship. This is a reality that you can't fight so make room for how the kid's feel too and, if need be, slow things down a bit to allow them to catch up. My very best wishes to all of you!
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Robert Alexander Simon, Ph.D. is a Licensed Psychologist (PSY10800) in practice in San Diego, California. Dr. Simon has over twenty years of experience and expertise in child and family psychology and in helping families cope with problems and disagreements that come about when families break up. He is a recognized expert in the area of child custody. Dr. Simon conducts child custody evaluations, mediations and expert consultation. He is a founding member of the San Diego Family Law Council for Children and is an active member of the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts. He is a sought after speaker and trainer. Dr. Simon is a single parent with two teenage sons. He brings to his work the accumulated knowledge and experience of his years in practice along with the practical experience of being a parent of children who have experienced divorce in their own lives.
Copyright © 1999, 2006 by Robert A. Simon, Ph.D. All rights reserved.