Ask Dr. Simon Your Questions About Divorce, Custody, Child-Sharing and Co-Parenting

Parenting Q&A Main Index

 

 

Dear Dr. Simon: 

Hello, I just discovered your site and was wondering if you could give me some insight into a problem I am having and don't know how to resolve fairly. I have been divorced since 94 and have two children from that marraige who are now 12 and 10 yrs old. My ex paid little or no child support from the time we separated, paid none of the bills from our marriage leaving me to make every house payment and support my children. I never pushed this issue and just let him pay what he did when he did and took care of my kids financially myself. He however has always driven "new" cars and had luxuries like home computer, cell phones, etc. Also, each year a month or so before Christmas he tells me that "I don't have much money this year so I won't be doing much for the kids" which leaves me to do 90% of their gifts and the things he does buy often "must be left at his house" and the kids are not allowed to bring them home. 

Despite all of this, I have always allowed visitation whenever he could or wanted to see them. I leave it to him, he can call and tell me when his days off are and then have them..he gets them regularly for weekends, overnights, and several weeks in the summer (whatever his schedule permits). I remarried a year after we divorced and have 2 children who are 2 and 7 months with my new husband. My ex has a girlfriend (who is very good with the kids),but neither of them have any other children. Early this year I finally went to court and got an order for regular child support after we discussed that we should have that issue in writing for the best interest of the kids. 

So here is the problem.. It is Christmas and our usual routine has been that we work around his work schedule. Last year I had them on Christmas eve (I offered them to him but he had to work and couldn't take them) and we moved our Christmas dinner to that day (my family usually has it on Christmas day) and then on Christmas morning right after opening presents he came and got them and they went to his house and opened more presents and spent that entire day with him and had a second Christmas dinner with their dad and his girfriends family. The problem is now this year he wants to come get them Christmas eve when he gets off work and keep them overnight, have them open presents with him and then keep them all day until that night. He has told me that I can decide if I want to have my Christmas on the 24th or the 26th because he wants them both Christmas eve and day. I have two other children so moving Christmas affects them and I feel is not fair for them. Honestly, I don't care if he has them Christmas eve and most of Christmas day.. I only want them to wake up here and open presents with their brother and sister and then they can go with him and I don't think this is unreasonable since he does not have any other children. Am I being selfish here.. or unreasonable? Please Help as this is making this a very unhappy holiday.. Thank You.

Dear Unhappy Mom: 

It sounds to me like you feel you've bent over backwards to accommodate your children's father and now you somehow want a ribbon or medal for what you've done. I do compliment you for having taken the high road in these dealings since that benefits your children. However, it also sounds like you've been keeping a "scorecard" on all of this and that you've also been saving up your resentment towards him in a fashion that allows you to feel justified in how you now feel. 

I can't tell you who is being selfish here. I can tell you that both you and your children's father need to stop focusing on one another and start focusing on what is best for the kids. I know you think you've done this and it sounds like in many ways you have. To finish your job, let go of the resentment and empty your scorecard of "goody point" and his of "baddy points." For Christmas, give your kids the gift of being emotionally free from all of that. Best of the season to you!

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Doctor Simon:

 My wife and I are recently separated; we have a 12 year old boy who resides with me. On his birthday, is it in his best interests to have his mother meet us at a restaurant to have dinner? Will he take it as a signal that his parents are getting back together? Should I explain that is not the case prior to going? I am confident that there will be no hostilities and that my son would enjoy the occasion. Thank you for your opinion.

Chuck

Hi Chuck: 

Your son is very fortunate to have two mature parents who can come together to foster his best interests. Yes, by all means have dinner together if that makes sense for you. It will help him to see that his parents both love him, support him and support his relationship with the other parent. I do understand your question and it is a good one and yes, it can reinforce his wish/fantasy that you will reunify. But then again, this is the kind of wish that can be reinforced in many ways (some unwittingly) and is a very difficult wish to extinguish. I've seen many, many children, whose parents cannot agree on anything, still wish and imagine that there will be a reunification. From what you've said, I would suggest that you not say anything to him in advance of the dinner vis-a-vis this not meaning that you will reunify. Rather, wait and listen to what he says afterwards over the next several days. If you sense that your having had the meal together is something he may be misinterpreting, then say something. Otherwise, have a great birthday with your son! Thanks for writing.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. 

Simon: My daughter is 21 months old - her father is not, and has not ever been, involved in our lives. A friend and I are now dating (and have been for about a month) after meeting and building a great friendship over the past few months. My daughter seemed very comfortable around him until we started spending more time together alone - with just the three of us. She frequently tries to push him away, push him and I apart, and is always telling him "No, mine" (in reference to me) when he approaches us. When he holds her, she cries - not a "I'm not getting my way cry", but a genuine cry of what seems to be fear (there is even a scared look on her face). Is this normal? I can understand that she is trying to figure out what is going on, since it has been just she and I since the very beginning, however, it seems so dramatic - and it seems to be getting worse. I just wonder how long these types of adjustments take? What the typical behaviors are for children her age, who are being introduced to new situations, etc....any explanations/insight would be great. We love my daughter very much and want to make this as easy on her as we can.

Dear Mom: 

The behavior your daughter is displaying sounds normal for a child at her age and is probably related both to normal developmental tasks and issues around trust and attachment that are particular to your situation. Be sensitive, go slow and allow your daughter's level of comfort to set the tone for you and your boyfriend. This is a very tender and precious time in her life and while it is difficult to put your needs second, I counsel you to do so. One must respect the fear of a child this age since she is communicating something important to you. From the way you present yourself, you sound like a very sensitive mother and one who is tuned in to her child which is great. What a lucky kid! 

Best wishes to you!

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D

 

Dear Dr. Simon: 

I am writing in behalf of my brother who is having to file for divorce. His wife no longer wishes to live with him as his wife. His wife suffers from bi-polar disorder. She is under the care of a psychiatrist and a counselor. She is also on medication. Bi-polar disorder runs in her family (her mom). Can my brother 35, stable, CW3 helicopter pilot in US Army gain custody of this child because of the disorder?

Lisa

Dear Lisa: 

Thanks for writing. Child custody determinations are usually complicated and based on multiple factors. The presence of a psychiatric disorder in a parent is not, in and of itself, a reason for the other parent to become the primary custodial parent any more than the fact that a parent is a helicopter pilot in the US Army is a reason for that parent to become the primary custodial parent. One wants to look at the big picture. For example, one wants to understand the functioning of each parent, the nature of the parent-child relationships, parenting skills and so forth. It is so important that your brother and his wife do everything possible to avoid creating any more conflict in making custody decisions than is absolutely necessary. The conflict, indeed, has the greatest potential for harm to the children than most other factors alone. 

Best wishes.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon: 

I understand you have great expertise in child psychology and child custody matters. I hope that you can answer my question and give me some much need advise. I have a 1 year old daughter and I am 19 years old. Her father has not been a part of her life since she was 1 month old. He hasn't tried to see her or made any contact with us since then either. Now all of a sudden, he wants visitation rights so we are going to court. I'm not sure if he just wants visitation rights or if he is going to try for joint custody, or possibly more. 

My question to you is: Do you think since she hasn't seen him and doesn't know who he is, that psychologically, for her, it isn't good to give him a lot of visitation right away? Also what do you think the maximum amount of visitation the court might give him? She is such a happy, healthy little girl. I'm worried that all going back and fourth between parents will change that. Well, What do you think? I will be anxiously waiting for a response from you. Thank you so much!

Ashley

Dear Ashley: 

Thank you very much for your letter. I think that most moms in your situation would feel worried much like you do. Situations such as yours have many things in common but each is unique and individual so it is hard to make specific comments to you with regard to what is likely to happen. 

Children, whenever possible, benefit from the love and support of both parents. While it is painful that her father has not been a part of her life for most of the past year, his now wishing to be a part of her life may prove to be a positive for her. In cases where children are very young and have had little or no contact with one of the parents, professionals typically recommend that the "new" parent and child be provided the chance to develop a bond, over a period of time, with increasing time intervals. The issue of overnight visits is actually one that is the subject of some current debate in the professional literature. My professional experience is that young children do fine with overnight visits once a bond with the "absent" parent has been established over a period of several months. Usually, the discomfort with the overnights visits is primarily that of the parents, not the child. Do know that going back and forth between homes won't make your daughter an unhappy child - conflict between the parents will. 

Best wishes to you and your daughter, Ashley and thank you once again for writing.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon: 

I have been separated for almost a year and I want to know if divorce is really the answer. I have 2 children one is 6 years old and one is 6 months old. I fear that my children will look at divorce as a way out, rather than working through a problem. I have had a great deal of trouble with my 6 year old. She has become mean and she throws things hits walls yells in my face, and I just don't know what to do. I don't want my children to be emotionally scarred from this.

Lori

Dear Lori: 

Divorce is a major decision and a very big deal. Everyone is impacted...children and adults. It is a life change and adjustment that is substantial and not something to take lightly. How your children adjust to the change will depend, in great measure, on how you and their father help them adjust, how you explain things to them, how you manage conflict and how you create stable homes for them. If you divorce, it will impact your children but it does not have to cause wounds that they carry for the rest of their lives. I am not an advocate for or against divorce. It is not something to take lightly but it is not something that means the end of the world either. If you are wondering whether or not it is the right thing for you to do, I suggest that you consult with a qualified therapist in your area and sort out your feelings about your marriage and yourself.

Best Wishes!

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon: 

I am a live-in girlfriend of my future husband. He has just closed his juvenile case in July 2000. The judge terminated jurisdiction and awarded my finance sole physical custody to him and joint legal custody to his ex-girlfriend. The children are 9 years old - son, six years old - daughter, and three year-old daughter. I am fortunate to not have to work full-time. We live on an Indian Reservation and have lots of extended family support. Every night I cook dinner at 5:30 and me and their father ask each child what they learned in school that day (pre-school for the baby) and we go to the children's school Parent's Club Meetings, we volunteered at the Halloween Carnival we donated and sponsor all their fundraisers and the children are doing excellent in school. I do volunteer work on Ray Jr.s teacher's website for his class. I really enjoy helping their school out. On the other hand, Raymond had a 9 nine year volatile relationship with their mother which brought CPS into our lives. Over two years of parenting classes, domestic violence class for both parents. CPS allowed the children to move in with Raymond and I for a 60 day trial period and have been here ever since. Before us the children lived with Raymond's mother here on the reservation and we we're fortunate to see them everyday. The mother is still in drug court and has 120 days clean. Since she was doing good at the end of the case they awarded her joint legal custody with a parenting plan of visitation with the kids and made it a point to have no contact with the parents except for emergencies. Anyways, his ex despises me tells Raymond that I am not aloud to go to the children's school and or participate in school functions. I am hurt that she went as far as telling this to the school. The School feels stuck in the middle and legally she has no right. Raymond wants to go back to mediation and to include me in the parenting plan. I know she will not let me be a part of it. Can I still go to the children's school and volunteer? 

Please help.

Hello: 

I cannot give you legal advice since I'm a psychologist, not an attorney. My experience is that step-parents who love the children want to be involved in the children's lives and in their schooling. This is a positive thing and something that most schools, courts and professionals encourage. I cannot tell you whether or not you can go to the children's school and volunteer from a legal perspective. From a psychological perspective, if the children want you there and welcome your involvement, then your being there is supportive of them and therefore a good thing for them.

Best wishes.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

 

Dr. Simon, 

In August of 2000, I gained full custody of my then 7 year old daughter. This was based on the mothers prior drug history, domestic violence in the home and the way the mother treats my daughter mentally. The mother continually treats her bad mentally and I am getting really frustrated about it. She continually badgers and questions her about the goings on in my home. My daughter tells me that when her mother questions her and she gives a positive answer, the mother keeps asking, "are you sure, are you sure everything is okay"? My daughter said she feels like she has to give her some sort of negative answer so that she will stop all the questioning. 

The mother calls every night. Alot of times we are not home. When I give my daughter the message that her mother called and she doesn't ask to return the call I do not make her. When the mother finally talks to my daughter, she continually asks, "why didn't you call me back"? "Don't you miss me"? "Are you just too busy to miss your mom, don't you love me"? Usually the mother will also start crying and tell my daughter, "you make me cry when you don't call me back, it makes me think you don't even think about me." 

My daughter continually puts her feelings aside and tries to keep her mom happy. Finally the other night my daughter opened up to her and told her mother that she was upsetting her by the way she was talking to her. Her mothers response was, "don't talk to me that way!" 

Help, what can I do. We are currently awaiting a court order for supervised visits due to this problem and continued domestic violence in the home. I fear that the mother will NEVER change. How can I help my daughter cope? Thank You for your time.

Joel

Dear Joel: 

It sounds like you are doing what you can do to help her cope. I'm afraid that I don't know of any magic or any particular thing or things you can to that will somehow make this situation not cause some pain for your daughter. In situations such as the one that you describe, it is important to be consistent and stable for your child, to model a different way of being-in-the-world and of relating to her and to give her the chance to express how she feels without allowing this to take over your home and preoccupy your life. This will help your daughter put things in perspective. 

Do remember that children are very resilient and that when they are given a positive model and option, this goes a long way towards buffering them against the storms they face. 

Best wishes and thank you for writing.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

 

Dear Dr. Simon: 

Thank you in advance for your help. My 6 year old daughter up until 2 months ago had no contact with her father due to disinterest on his part. He and I had not spoken in over 5 years. He recently contacted me wanting to see her, my initial thought was absolutely not, but fearing that my daughter would resent me if she knew when she was older, I agreed. 

My daughter spent about 9 hours total w/ her father and he has again disappeared w/ no interest. My daughter is now confused and upset - and wants nothing more to do with him. 

Do I have grounds to request termination of parental rights due to best interest of child, failure to maintain contact, and extreme disinterest? I do not want him to have the opportunity to hurt her again.

Dear Mom: 

The termination of parental rights tends to be something that is very complex and not easily accomplished. It is far more likely that you would succeed in having certain limits and restrictions placed on your child's father's visitation with her if/when he again expresses the desire to spend time with her. 

The most important thing right now is helping your daughter with her emotions and feelings about her father and about what has taken place. It will be helpful to let her know that her father's behavior is not her fault and that it has something to do with him and his issues but not with her. You certainly can tell her that his behavior confuses you too and makes you upset also because you can see that it hurt her. But please be careful not to let her see or come to know about the understandable rage that you feel inside. This won't help her at all. 

Thank you for writing and best wishes.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon: 

My husband and I have been together for 16 years. We have an only child that is 9 years old. During the week he is allowed 30 minutes of TV before going to bed. He's taken to taking like his favorite cartoon, Sponge Bob Square Pants, Invader Zim and the Fairly Odd Godparents. It drives me crazy when my son talks just like the cartoon. I've watched these shows. I find the Sponge Bob characters dumb. Invader Zim is a rather annoying show of an alien who wants to rule the earth. Fairly Odd Godparents do and say odd things. I had a friend of his stay with us one week end and found it coming at us from both of them. When I spoke to him one morning as he started talking about his cartoon, I told him that there would be no more TV until Friday night and the weekend. He argued back, saying that there is nothing wrong with it and that it is just a cartoon and he knows it is not real. I've told him that if he wants to sound like a TV show that I don't need a son since I can just watch the TV. 

My husband has seen that our son doesn't mind my orders. He's gotten mad at me for not enforcing the rules. When I spank him on his bottom it's hurt me that I reacted during my anger. I've seen my husband react with a hit on the head and twist of the ear. I don't want to hurt our son but I get so frustated with him. Please let me know what I could do or am doing wrong. 

Thank you. 
Anxious mom

Dear Anxious Mom: 

Where to begin? It sounds to me like your relationship with your son is really on shaky footing. He clearly doesn't respect you which is why he does things that he knows upset you. With the way things are now, telling him not to talk like the cartoon characters is like giving him orders to do just that! What worries me the most is that nine year old children don't disrespect their parents unless their parents give them good reason for the disrespect. In other words, he doesn't respect you because he probably doesn't feel respected by you. And from what you've said, he sees his father disrespecting you as well for "not enforcing the rules" as you put it. 

Let me give you one solid piece of advice. Stop hitting your child and stop twisting his ear. Stop using corporal punishment. Ask yourself...do you respect people and feel close to people who use their power over you to inflict physical pain on you? Do you think that any child would feel good about a parent who smacks them on the head or twists their ear or spanks them just because they are frustrated and angry? And how would you feel if someone compared you to a TV set? 

As for the TV thing, you are responsible for setting limits with regard to what your son watches. If for some reason you think the programs he watches are not appropriate, don't allow him to watch them. But if you let him watch something, don't complain when he likes it and shows that he likes it by immitating it. If you like a song, you hum it, right? Please do yourselves and your son a favor. Get a referral to a good therapist who can work with you and your family on learning how to interact and communicate with one another in an empathic, adaptive and respectful fashion. And please, stop the corporal punishment and humiliation tactics!

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D

 

 

Dear Dr. Simon: 

I'm searching for ways to deal with my coparent. It feels like endless searching. We have joint custody, but he was given residential custody with the tie breaking vote. 

His behavior is at times normal, but at other times very abusive and unpredictable. I receive crazy letters from him about things that he assumes. He alleges I expose our soon to be 3 year old son, to inappropriate things and people, making references such as "clean up your act," "rats and roaches in mommies home," and "God is going to judge you," "I know what you are doing." It's always something that he is making up in his head and, I guess, starts to believe it's true. He knows how to work the system and has a legal leg up as he has a law degree but has not taken the bar exam as the Fitness Board determined he had not be been "rehabilitated." He has a history of violence including a conviction for Domestic Violence Battery. 

He promises, not threatens, to take me back to court on a routine basis. Something I can ill afford. All I want to do is enjoy my children and be there for them as a Mom. I don't want to deal with trying to figure out what he is talking about, or how long his normal cycle will last before he becomes abusive again, belittling me in every way possible. I just simply want be there for my children, to enjoy and deal with the things that make being a parent a parent. He faxes me letters and memos several times a week making allegations about me. It's a full time job dealing with he craziness! How do I deal with this? He is trying to create a paper trail to remove me from my sons life. It is extremely time consuming to respond to the allegations he makes in his letters, yet I fear if I do not, others (the court and/or my son when he gets older and can read) will assume the allegations are true.

Sign me,

Lee

Dear Lee: 

It must be extremely frustrating, tiring and demoralizing to have to live with this kind of constant problem and the ongoing need to feel that you must defend yourself. In many areas, a parent with a domestic violence conviction cannot be a primary custodial parent unless and until they have successfully completed a course of treatment and education. This leads me to wonder what it is that he has said about you that he has been able to substantiate or convince the Court are true. 

Whatever the case may be, when a co-parent has to deal with the ongoing provocation of the other co-parent, it is important to document what is being alleged but to be careful not to react or to respond to the other parent unless totally necessary. When you respond, you make the other parent aware that they have the upper hand and that they are able to run you ragged with their provocation. This only reinforces what they are doing. 

Your is a situation in which I also encourage you to consult with a qualified family law specialist in your area to understand what your legal recourse is. If you are representing yourself in court, do whatever you can do hire a good attorney. Thank you for writing and best wishes.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon: 

I actually have a two-fold problem that came to a head this evening. My two children, who are two and five, spent the day with my husband and his parents so that I could have some time to recover from surgery. When they got home from his parent's home, the oldest child started calling the youngest child a baby. My husband then started yelling at the five year old telling her that she was a baby because she still uses a pacifier. I called my husband into the room and we got into an argument in front of the five year old. I told him that I did not like him teasing her and reminded him how much he hated being teased when he was young. He called me an idiot and told me to shut up and not to speak any more and then stormed out of the room. 

Is this verbal abuse? Did he learn it from his parents? Is my daughter still using the pacifier because she is emotionally unstable? My husband talks to me like this in front of the children all of the time. Do you think this will harm the children? I hope you can help. Thank you, Dr. Simon

Suzanne

Dear Suzanne: 

What child wouldn't be upset and insecure in a home where the parents treat each other with disrespect and disregard? I don't know if this is why your child still uses a pacifier (certainly she still uses it because she is allowed to use it) and I don't know if your husband learned to speak like this from his own parents. I do know that what you describe is the kind of thing that creates emotional hardship for everyone in a family and that it is something that won't stop by itself. While you describe the situation as if it is all your husband's doing, I suspect that each of you could probably give dozens of examples of how the other speaks in a harsh manner. Even if you don't speak inappropriately to him, as long as you let him speak this way to you, nothing will change. One way or another, it is time to change how things are done in your family. 

Thank you for writing, Suzanne.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

 

Dear Dr. Simon: 

I am concerned about a situation involving my daughter and grandchildren. My daughter has been divorced for almost five years now. The former husband has become a person that we do not even know. He has a new Harley and tatoos now and constantly runs the bars. With that, he recently took the grandchildren into a bar in the afternoon under the pretense of setting up the band. The children are five and nine years old. The children were quite upset about this. It is a lifestyle they know nothing about. Is there a law or some form of protection for these children, to keep him from doing this? . You would think that he could refrain from the bars for the 6 hours that he sees them per month. As you see, he's around just enough to keep them upset and not enough for a quality parental guidance.

Thank you in advance Susan, Concerned grandmother

Dear Susan: 

Since I don't know where you live, I don't know the specific laws in your area. I would suggest that you contact the alcohol control board in your area and ask them what the laws are regarding this kind of thing. It could be that the children are allowed in the establishment their father took them too so long as they are in certain areas of it but not others. You state that what the father did upset the children. How did they demonstrate this upset to you? And, if I may ask, why is it you writing to me and expressing concern and not their mother? This makes me wonder if there is a problem with parental guidance and role modeling on both sides of the street, so to speak. Certainly, I would be concerned about someone taking children into an adult establishment, particularly given that the person's time with the children is so limited. However, please be careful not to perceive upset in the children simply because the behavior upsets you. If this kind of thing becomes a pattern, please have the children evaluated by a competent child psychologist in your area and, if this individual believes that the children are being harmed, consult a family law specialist to pursue your legal options. Thank you for writing. 

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

 

Dear Dr. Simon: 

I have two children, 12 & 14, that live with their mother who has sole custody. We have been divorced for more than 8 years. I am contemplating persuing custody of my children. My reason is that their mother, who is not necessarily a bad person, but just makes bad decisions, makes decisions that I feel ultimately affecting my children negatively. Since the divorce, my children have been in more than 11 school systems because their mother can not decide where it is that she wants to live or who she wants to live with. It has just recently been brought to my attention that she has moved once again (another school system) because she will be divorcing for the 2nd time since our divorce. I am very concerned for my children in that they have not had any sort of stable environment, have not been able to grow up with childhhood friends, not been able to actively participate in extra activities and all the other things that typical children are involved in. Four of these moves have been more than 200 miles from each other. 

Unfortunately, I live in a different state and visitation is not the easiest thing to do, but try to see them as often as possible. I love my kids dearly, and feel that I can provide them with a more stable & predictable environment to live in. I am remarried, have a step child and actively involved in our community where we have lived for more than 4 years and have no intentions of relocating anytime soon. I have seeked legal representation and they have advised me that the decision will basically be the children's choice. I have discussed the issue with my kids and the both of them seem like they want to come and stay with me, they are just concerned about how their mother is going to feel, seeing how she tells them that "they are all she has." Will my kids be able to tell a judge or mediator where they prefer to stay, or will testing be of the determination? Neither of my kids have any behavior problems, they do very well in school-honor roll, and have high dream and goals....unfortunately they are both on the extreme heavy side and socially withdrawn with low self estems. Will a custody case harm my kids even more? Thanks.

Dear Dad: 

Consistency, stability and predictability are important elements that help children grow into maturity with a good sense of who they are, good coping skills and the ability to be self-directed. The multiple moves that these children have experienced are certainly not the kind of thing that fosters consistency, predictability and stability. 

Your children are at an age where their desires and wishes are usually given due consideration by the Court. However, the ways in which court's proceed varies from region to region so I can't comment upon what is typical in your area. An attorney from your area or the area in which you would file your motion would be of more help with this information. 

Yes, custody battles are difficult, painful and stressful for all involved. The fact that your children tell you that their mother tells them that they are all she has suggest that they may experience guilt as a custody battle unfolds. This will be hard for them, of course. The fact that both are high achievers but also significantly obese may suggest that they work too hard to gain the approval of others and meet the needs of others while suppressing their own feelings. Therefore, if they choose to pursue a change of residence because this is truly what they want, not what someone else wants, this could be a positive step for them. But please do not take this as a qualified clinical opinion...consult with a mental health professional in your area that can sit down with you and, potentially, with your children, and offer you more specific and well-informed advice. 

Thank you for writing and best wishes.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon: 

I am a mother of a nine year old boy. We live in San Diego county. My son is GATE identified and he exhibits bouts of perfectionism and self-doubt. I view this as perfectly normal behavior. His teacher on the other hand does not. She keeps referring to him as emotionally disturbed. In my opinion someone who is emotionally disturbed is likely to commit a form of violence, this is not my son. Can you advise?

Thank you 
Susannah

Dear Susannah: 

Experience tells me that teachers are worth listening to since they know our children and observe them without the emotional involvement that parents have. Your interpretation of the term "emotionally disturbed" as having to do with a potential for violence is probably a misunderstanding of what the teacher is trying to say. People can be emotionally disturbed and display this in a variety of ways. While it is true that GATE children tend to be more perfectionistic, anxious and tend to be self-doubting, this teacher has the advantage of having worked with many other children over the years. She has something to compare your son to. A little bit of almost any trait can fall within the "normal" range. But as my grandmother has said, "no extreme is normal." Thanks for writing (and thanks to my sweet granny). Best wishes.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr Simon, 

Hi. This may sound like a stupid question - but it is causing friction at home. My 22 year old daughter has broken up with her previous partner, and is now with someone I dislike. I started out barring him the house, but then considered that something forbidden is sweeter, and invited him for a meal. Last night , he came over to watch a video, which they watched in her bedroom - and did not leave till 7am this morning. I wanted to ask him to leave long before then, but my husband wouldn't allow me to. She is back at home, - I now have double the work in washing, etc - and I am paying all the bills - as she will not pay board, and my husband will not insist, and if I do she goes running to him, and there is promptly another fight between us. She is earning more than me - and he has just quit work. All bills are mine, it seems. I am feeling rather put upon. My question is - am I in the wrong for not wanting her boyfriend to sleep over? I am happy for her to go to his place, but I feel it is wrong for him to be sleeping at our place. Or is it my anger over feeling used that is causing my problems? 

Mum in Australia

Dear Mum: 

Whether or not to allow your daughter's boyfriend to sleep over is the least of the problems you have going on. I have to wonder why it is that an adult child, who is working, is being allowed to live with you without having to participate in the maintenance of the household financially and labor-wise. You should insist upon this or tell your daughter she is not welcome to live with you. Since it seems that your husband does not support you in your beliefs in this regard, I would have to tell you that your most basic problem here probably is in your marriage and your communication with your husband. These are the areas that you need to focus on in my opinion. Best wishes and thank you for writing.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon: 

My son is almost 9 and for almost his whole life his dad has been in and out of it. My son's Dad was in prison for over 2 years back in 1995. When he got out he never really took the time to get to now my son then just took off for a year and is now back and wanting to see him. My son says he doesn't want to go with him, he wants to stay here with his step dad and brothers. I tried to tell my son that he only has to go for a little while and he still doesn't want to go. When I told my son's dad this he was mad and said he was not going to let a little kid say what he is going to do and that he was going to court. My son was very upset when we talked about it he cries. My son's dad has not taken us to court yet and he won't start with just seeing my son around me to start with. What do I do? I don't want to make my child go with his father if it going to upset him. From a Mom who don't know what to do

Dear Mom: 

This is absolutely a complex and difficult situation. It is understandable that your son is reluctant to go with his father since he probably doesn't know him and has not developed a sense of trust with him. Given that your son is now dealing with this kind of stressful situation, I suggest that you take him to see a qualified psychologist or child therapist in your area who has experience working with children in similar situations. Allow this person to explore with your son what his reluctance is about and what his fears are. This may help your son to feel more at ease. The therapist may also be the best person to spend time with your son and his father together to help them work through the fears and concerns and to help the father understand what the child is feeling and experiencing. Thank you for writing and best wishes to you and your child. 

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon: 

Im the custodial dad of two children 6 and 4, at 91%. There is a no-contact order of the moms boyfriend at any of her visitations. This has been violated before and she lost visitation time - there were actual witnesses then. For the last month and a half the boys sleeping patterns are extremely unusual, the oldest is grinding his teeth and emitting moaning sounds, the youngest is wetting the bed at an increased rate. He had rarely wet his bed prior to this time. They are feuding more and the oldest is losing his patience as well. returning from her visits, the oldest has and is telling me that "he" continues to be at the visitations, which is at the moms parents home. Thus they are allowing this as well. He stated that the grandpa told him not to tell daddy, and the Mom is telling the youngest the same. With only what the boys have told me, and what is happening to them, I took the Mom to court to request supervised visitation. She lied and stated there was never contact. The judge stated that this was not enough to give supervised visitation, but for the first time he requested an attorney for the boys. Will this attorney prove that the boys are not lying? The boys have stated to the therapist that contact is allowed. he is to come over to our house and talk to me tomorrow. The boyfriend of the moms has a history of violence and is ordered to a 52 week domestic violence class.

Dear Dad: 

The story you are telling is an illustration of how family courts cannot solve personal problems and cannot be expected to change people's personalities. From what you describe, your sons are showing signs of distress although it is not possible to state exactly what the stress is due to and what the various factors are that contribute to it. What you can do at this point is two things. The first is to decrease the level of stress in your home by making the issue of what takes place at mom's home something that is not center stage and something that is not regularly talked about. Allow your home to be a place where these things don't come into focus so that your sons can gain some distance from whatever stresses they may feel in her home. By talking about these items in your home and by your allowing your sons to see your upset, your anger and your feelings, your home environment becomes a part of the stress as well. The second thing you can do is to stay the course in the legal system but to keep this in perspective too. Have realistic expectations of what can and can't be done in a court of law and make sure to keep discussions of this to a minimum with your kids, if at all. Insofar as the minor's counsel is concerned, no one can offer guarantees of what this individual will or won't come to believe is taking place. However, the fact that the judge did appoint a minor's counsel is a sign that he/she is aware that more information is needed to help sort out the situation. Thanks so much for writing and best wishes.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

 

Dear Dr. Simon 

I'm really glad you're here for me to ask you this complicated question. I'll try to keep it as short as possible, but I have a feeling that's not going to work cause I think it would help if I gave you a little background first. I have been divorced for 4 years and have a now 7-year-old son. His father and I get along good and I also get along well with his new wife and he gets along good with my new husband. He's been remarried for almost 2 years and I've been remarried for almost a year. My son gets along wonderful with everybody and loves everyone and he even has a new brother from his father and step-mom. He sees everyone from his father's side of the family (cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents) often enough and sees my family more often because he lives with me. My son is going to be making his Communion this May and I don't know what I'm supposed to do about a party. I want to take my son out to lunch or dinner with the family, but my ex thinks its inappropriate for us all to be together. I see no problem with it, my husband has no problem with it, and I'm pretty sure his wife has no problem with it or his parents. The other thing is, if it's decided that the best thing for my son is to have everyone together, who do I invite? Just the parents and grandparents and no aunts, uncles or cousins? Because then we're talking about over 25 people in a restaurant - that sounds a little crazy to me. But on the other hand, how do you keep all of them out of it. I'm very confused, as you can probably see. I would really love to hear what you have to say about all of this and any answers you may have would be GREATLY, GREATLY, appreciated. 

Thank you so much for listening, 
Donna

Hi Donna: 

Thanks so much for writing. I'm not sure if I should respond to this as a psychologist or as Miss Manners! Events such as first communion are major life events that all family members wish to celebrate. It will be the first of many that you and your child's father will both wish to be a part of. If you are comfortable having a celebration that includes your child's father, his new wife, that's great. There is nothing inappropriate about all of you being together per se. After all, you are still his mother and he is still his father! Coming together to celebrate an event in the life of a child shows the child that you love him, support him and support his relationship with both parents. Certainly it is wonderful for the child if both parents choose to be a part of the celebration and if all are comfortable, so much the better. If your child's father is not comfortable coming, then he may choose not to come and he can have his own celebration. My suggestion is that you invite him and accept whatever response he give to the invitation graciously. Insofar as who else to invite, I will leave that to Miss Manners. Thanks for writing.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

 

Dear Dr. Simon: 

I have a 5 year old daughter who has a terrible time sleeping through the night. The problem started when she was about 1 when she was having trouble sleeping all night. After a couple of months of struggle we found that we were all getting much more sleep when she was sleeping with us. Now we are paying for that mistake. I am looking for a long range solution. We are now at the point to where she does not cry when getting into her bed and will sleep in her bed 3 to 4 hours most nights. When she does come into our room we have started her sleeping on the floor in a sleeping bag. Is this a bad thing? We also have trouble getting her to sleep when she does go to bed. We always have to sit by her bed until she goes to sleep, but some nights it may be 30 or 40 minutes before she falls asleep. Sometimes it may be longer. When times get long I tell her to get her sleeping bag. Probably not a smart thing to do, but we all fall asleep sooner. Is this OK or do we need to be finding another solution. Looking for answers. 

Todd

Hi Todd: 
You are not alone in having sleep troubles with your child. This is an interesting issue because there are many culturally determined values when it comes to whether children should sleep in their own rooms, whether it is OK to have them in your room or even in your bed. I'm not sure if there is a right or wrong with regard to this aspect of the problem although people have their own points of view. From what you say, it sounds as if you have unwittingly trained your daughter in being a poor sleeper. It seems that your responses to her and your expectations of her have been inconsistent. Without clear and consistent communications, limits and expectations, children's behavior tends to be disorganized and inconsistent. My suggestion, then, is that you decide what the rules are, what the procedures will be, what is and is not OK and that you apply these consistently when dealing with your child's sleep. Best Wishes!

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon: 

My husband and I are leaving for six days to go on a vacation with my father and step-mother. I don't know how to leave my little boy. My mother-in-law is watching him while we're gone; he'll be at her house during the day, and she'll take him home to sleep in his own bed at night. We leave during the afternoon and I'd like to spend the morning with him. I'm wondering if I should stay home with him or if I should spend that time at his grandmother's house and my husband and I leave from there. Sometimes he throws a fit and cries for me. He's even taken off walking down the road looking for my husband i to return. This is first time since he was a month old that we will be away from him for more than one night. 

Sincerely, 
Rachel

Hi Rachel: 

It is hard for new parents to leave their young ones for the first extended period of time. Sometimes I think that it is harder for the parents than for the child! It sounds as if you've done what you need to do in making arrangements for your son to be with someone he loves, who loves him and who he knows. My guess is that he is going to protest your leaving whether you spend the afternoon with him at your home or at his grandmother's home. My suggestion is that you spend the time with him in the place that is most convenient for you. Expect yourself to feel somewhat guilty and awkward when you first leave for vacation and expect yourself to miss your son. Know, however, that what you are doing is OK, that it is important for parents to take time off and that your own renewal is good for you and for your son. Have a great time while you are gone.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

 

Dear Dr. Simon, 

I am extremely concerned about my children since my divorce approximately 6 mos ago. Let me give a little background information since it is important to understanding what my children have been dealing with 1) My ex filed for divorce because she needed more out of life. 2)I choose to give her physical custody (I have them 5 nites every two weeks) rather than fight because the ensuing battle would have had been extremely ugly and I realized that divorced parents being able to discuss topics which directly effect the children is very important. 3) Before the papers where signed my ex was already exposing our children to someone else (spending the Night). 4) Immediately following the divorce my ex hired an Au Pair. Recently, my daughter alludes to the fact that mommy never spends any quality time with her. (The issue is that my ex is never alone with the kids anymore, either her boyfriend or the Au Pair are present) As a result of all this my children are very clingy when they are with me (not that I am complaining). I can't even use the restroom without them wanting to know exactly where I am. What can I do to re-assure them that they are my life and that Daddy will always be there for them? I already tell them all the time however they do not seem to hear me and I am afraid it is because their mother has already shown them that they are not Number 1 in her life.

bb

Dear bb: 

Your letter is poignant not only because of what your children are experiencing but also because of your apparent committment to keeping the situation out of court and the adversarial forum if at all possible. I hope that this continues to be possible. Please remember that divorce is a time of extreme psychological tumult for children and adults. Adults do not always use their best judgement nor are they always on their best behavior as they cope with the impact of divorce. Needless to say, children also take time to adjust and become accustomed to the changes that come with divorce. The behavior your children are demonstrating may turn out to be little more than their coping with change. It may not be related to the behavior you attribute to their mother. My suggestion at this time is that you stay the course, be as stable and consistent for your children as possible and offer them verbal reassurance that you love them and are there for them. Allow them to express their feelings and concerns without over-reacting to them or minimizing them. Be sensitive to your own emotional state at any point in time and your own emotional reactions to your children. Give yourself time to adjust and transition as well. It is often said that it takes anywhere from one to three years to adjust to divorce. That is why I advise you to be patient, give things more time and be steady. Thank you so much for writing. I know that other readers would enjoy an update in a couple of months and I would also appreciate knowing how thigns are going for you and your children. Best wishes.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

 

Dr. Simon: 

After our divorce, my son's Mom and I had a very positive relationship. She actually told me she was happy that we weren't like most divorced couples and hated each other. She remarried a year ago and moved my son 2600 miles away. She began to limit our calls, cut in on them, and even to deny me contact. She is currently trying to deny visitation that was agreed upon and legally backed by our decree. She has also referred to me by my first name in front of our son, falsely placed a protective order to intimidate and to cut me off further. A woman that used to talk to me openly now only talks when she wants something from me. She tells my son I did things to her that never happened, and even had they, should never be told to a small child, and she does all in her power to control our time on the phone, our conversation, and even our visitations, trying to dictate schedules, where we can go, and who is to be with us. She has turned into a nightmare of parental alienation, and appears to be getting worse. What can be done? How can I deal with it, and what type of legal order could be done to arrange counseling for her?? That's it in a nutshell. 

Thank you. 
James

Hi James: Thank you for writing. It sounds like you are having to cope with a very painful and frustrating situation. I know that you must be angry and that you must be worried for your son. I sure would be. What you are describing is, sadly, something that sometimes happens when a parent re-married. It seems that when one parent remarries that the formation of a new family can create some dynamic forces that has a parent consciously or unconsciously creating a gap between the children and the other parent. Sometimes the new spouse is directly involved in the creation of this gap but not always. What you can do in the situation is to maintain as much contact with your child as possible, exercise each opportunity you have to be with him and when he is with you, do not return fire by saying negative things about his mother or stepfather. Also, when he is with you, listen carefully to what he says but don't ask him questions that are intrusive or that draw him into the conflict in any fashion. In other words, model for him the kind of parent-child relationship that you wish his mother was modeling. This creates an island of safety and calm for the child, giving him the oppportunity to see you for who you really are, not for who you are being depicted as in his other home. Also, make sure you hire a qualified family law specialist and explore your legal options. Unfortunatley, in most cases of parental alienation, legal intervention is essential. Best Wishes, James and thank you again for writing.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr.Simon,

I am a divorced parent to my 9 year old daughter. Her father and I have been divorced almost 2 years. She has gone through special programming in school for kids with divorced parents and I believe that really helped her. Brittany has always been a very emotionally sensitive person. She cries when she gets in trouble, even if it's just something small. Lately, however, she just hasn't been herself. I ask her if she is happy, she says yes. I ask her if she wants to be able to talk to someone in school this year, she says no. She says nothing is wrong. But she is mouthy, her tone of voice every time you ask her something or tell her to do something is horrible. She cries if you tell her no about something. The other day she wanted to walk to school and I told her no she had to go to daycare and catch the bus because I had to go to work...she started crying. It is very infuriating. I don't let her see that because I don't want anymore crying. Any advice or reasoning you can give me would be greatly appreciated.

Amy

Dear Amy: 
Thanks a lot for writing. It sounds to me like both you and your daughter are having emotional struggles these days and they are probably fueling each other. Many experts feel that it takes a good three years for adults to "recover" from divorce. Children take even longer to feel as if life is once again "normal". And, of course, your daughter is experiencing emotional changes that accompany development. From what you say, I detect a good deal of impatience, frustration with your daughter and it even sounds like you are becoming judgemental about her. This makes it hard for you to try and empathize with her and understand what she is experiencing. Instead, it causes you to simply want to bring it to an end. This, in turn, deepens her feelings of isolation, of being misunderstood and probably adds to her belief that it isn't worth talking about anyway. Often in their adjustment to divorce, parents experience feelings of guilt for the changes they are putting their children through. If they are not aware of such feelings and see that their children are having trouble coping with the changes, they respond with anger rather than empathy. Try and take a more empathic approach towards your daugther. Trying to "control" her behavior and reacting to her behavior with your own "fury" is not likely to help her. Talk to a therapist yourself about what you are going through and about some more effective parenting techniques. Best wishes and please write again with an update.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

 

Dear Dr. Simon: 

I am living with my boyfriend of 4yrs, his four children (ages 5,8,9,12) and my 6month old who is also his son. We have been through a lot throughout our relationship, but I will sum it up: Joe recently got custody of all his children. The 3 oldest were living with their grandparents, and the 5yr old with his mother. The 3 oldest are by Joe's wife who abandoned them about 9yrs ago. The 5yr old is by an ex-girlfriend, and then there is my son. My problem is Joe's father absolutely refuses to accept my son and the 5yr old as his grandchildren. Example: Joe's dad comes to pick the kids up for a visit, Nick (5yr old) is the 1st one ready. They all jump in the truck and Joe's dad tells Nicholas to get out. Looking like his heart was shattered he gets out and watches his brother and sisters drive off without him to visit his grampa. I have repeatedly told my boyfriend that we need to stop letting him do this. Either he accepts all of them, or he sees none of them. Joe is supposed to talk to him later about this, but he doesn't like to argue with his dad, so I don't expect much to change. My son and Nick deserve the love of grandparents as well as the others. The only reason I can think that he would do this is because they were born out of wedlock. But that is no reason to punish innocent children for the crimes/mistakes of their parents. The other kids don't understand why I don't let them go over to their grandparents as much as they want. They think I am mad at them, or trying to start trouble which is what their grampa usually tells them. Please give me advice on how to handle this situation!

An angry mom

Dear Angry Mom: 

Your husband's father's behavior certainly sounds unkind and I can only imagine how all of this creates difficulty for your family. However, when I hear you say that your boyfriend's kids don't understand why you don't let them go to their grandfather's home as much as they want, I become very uncomfortable. These are his children, not yours and this is not your decision to make. If their father is allowing you to make the decision, he needs to rethink this. If you are insisting on making the decision, may I suggest you reconsider?

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon: 

I am seriously involved with a man who has an 11 year old daughter living at home with him. Background: The mother left the family three years ago, and for the past 3 years, the daughter has been with the father. The mother has every-other-weekend visitation, but the daughter has major issues because of the desertion, and rarely wants to go. To understand the little girl's position: the mother left 3 years ago; the mother and father got officially divorced 1 year ago; the older sister (with whom the 11 year old is extremely close) recently left for Europe for four months; and the father has the family home on the sales market. Her father has been the only really stable thing in her life for the past few years. Now I am on the scene, and she seriously resents me and is jealous. When we're on the phone, she needs to be "tucked in"; when we hold hands, she jabs him in the side; she shoots spitballs at me when no one is looking; she doesn't want to go anywhere I will be accompanying them; she won't talk to me or even look at me. When we're in the driveway saying goodbye, she comes up with excuses to keep interrupting us. I love her father with all my heart. How can I go about winning her trust and friendship? Is time (that nasty four-letter-word) the only answer? I'm at my wits end, and it's making both her father and I very unhappy that she won't even try to accept our relationship. We are going very slow, on her account, and he spends 95% of his time with her, and her alone. He is a wonderful, loving and demonstrative father, and tells and shows her constantly how much he loves her. We don't know how much more reassurance he can give her!

Dear Frustrated Girlfriend: 

I wish that there was a simple answer to this question. There are a number of reasons that children can act the way this young lady is acting. Most of them are based in fears and feelings of anger and hurt. You seem to have a good handle on her vulnerability to feeling rejected and abandoned. It sure sounds like she is testing you to see if she can misbehave and still be cared for and loved by you. Do you know if she may feel, within herself, that she was the cause for her mother's leaving? She may also be testing her father to make sure that she is #1 in his life. Time may help this young lady but it can also create a situation for her fears and concerns to become more firmly entrenched. It sounds like a good idea would be to consult with a qualified child psychologist in your area so that you can discover what is going in inside this particular youngster and address her fears.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

 

Dear Dr. Simon: 

My husband has a child from a previous relationship (not marriage). To make a very long story short- the mother told another man he was the father. For the first few years, the other man (after child's birth was now husband) was informed he was the father. The child looks exactly like my husband and after a few years he saw her and this child together- he knew right away that the child was his. He went through DNA testing and as soon as it came back started paying child support. After a few years of tip-toeing around the mother about everything (she is very selfish and ruthless) they decided to go to court. All legal documents-birth certificate, divorce decree(yes, mother got divorced and gave visitation to now ex-husband-even though it was proved with testing that he was not the father) had now ex-husband on them. Problem- since, legally we have nothing-she held his child from us for almost 7 months last year and this year it has been 5 months. We can't even call him-she will not answer the phone. We used to have this child every other weekend, etc. (We are getting ready for court). How are we to handle this child when he comes back? He is only 7.. how are we to make sure he understands that it was not our fault without making it his mother's fault. Even though she is hated by us-we can't stoop to her level and turn this child against her. This poor child is going through so much!! The kicker is- guess who's house she lets this confused child go to twice a week and almost every weekend?- Yes, the ex. This all started because we wanted this child to wear a medic alert bracelet( he is a diabetic).... What a shame for everyone that we all have to go through this just because we cared...

Thank you for your help!

Hello: 

What an unfortuante situation for this child. But it does sound like your focus is on the child and taking the best care of his emotions as best you can without focusing too much on his mother and your feelings about her. You can translate this perspective into your relationship with your husband's son by letting him know how you feel, how much you've missed him, how glad you are to be in his life and by answering his quesitons with facts but not with opinions. Best wishes to you and thank you for writing.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

 

Dear Dr. Simon, 

I have been divorced for 11 years. My ex-husband and I share joint custody. Our son, who is now age 12, no longer wishes to go to his father's house for visitation. He has a stepbrother who is 6 and has a terrible behavioral problem. The child takes several medications to try and calm him down and function as a normal child but they rarely work. The little boy is mean to everyone including my son. His father is very degrading to our son shows extreme partiality towards the other child. My son's father and I divorced when he was only 1 year old. Everything has gone along pretty well until a major confrontation has taken place. He was humiliating my son and I said a few words to him that started a large argument. He ended up spanking his 6 year old for something he did a long time ago. I have no problem with spanking this was totally uncalled for. I'm afraid he acts like this to my son when is at his house for visitation. He visits his father every other weekend. He has been telling me for some years now that he does not want to go anymore. I do not want to take him to court to have the visitation changed due to having his father taking his frustrations out on him unless I know an age when the child can decide if he wants to continue visitation with the other parent. I greatly appreciate any help you can give me concerning this problem and any laws that might help.

Concerned mother

Dear Concerned Mom: 

There is no hard and fast age at which a minor child can determine their custodial plan. Different jusisdictions have different rules and policies regarding this. However, I know of no jurisdiction in which a 12 year old is able to make such determinations. Nevertheless, the most important thing here is for your son and his father to have the opportunity to work through the difficulties in their relationship. Some time with a qualified therapist can do a world of good. In addition, experience tells me that it is not likely that the sole source of your son's discomfort rests in what is taking place in his dad's home. Most often, when children do not wish to see one of their parents they are also reacting to negative attitudes on the part of the other parent as well. This is not to say that there are not problems in your son's father's home. It sounds like there are. I also encourage you to look carefully and honestly at your own attitudes and subconscious wishes with regard to your son. You may, in your own way, reinforce your son's negative attitudes towards his father and/or be relying too heavily on your son for your own emotional support. Remember that complicated situations usually have complex and multi-determined causes.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Doctor Simon, 

I really hope you can help us find some answers... Our 7 year old son is being, well lets say difficult, he is having a hard time listening to what me and his father tell him. Like he screams at me alot about "silly" things and gets VERY upset when something does not go his way. He has a hard time obeying us. His personality has somehow changed. He has a younger sister (2yrs old) and a younger brother (9months old) and when he gets into trouble he always says "you like her better than me" or he'll say I know you want to hurt or kill me. Is this normal for a 7 yr old to feel this way? His grandfather died last December and he has had a hard time with that. Could that have caused some of this anger? We are very confused and don't know what to do--could you offer some advice on what we could do? A book? counseling? We are up in the air and need help! 

Thanks. S and C

Dear S and C: Yes, the death of your son's grandfather can impact his emotional and behavioral functioning but it is impossible for me to say much more about this without a great deal more information. I think that the best thing to do is to consult with your family doctor or pediatrician about the concerns you have and ask for the name of a qualified child psychologist in your area. You might also wish to speak with your son's teachers. Teachers spend a lot of time with young children and know a lot about kids and how to help them. They also are good observers of their students and notice changes too. Teachers also are good sources for referrals to professionals in your area. Good luck to you and your growing family. Thanks for writing.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon: 

My 19 year old daughter lives with my husband and me, she is a single mother of 1 daughter (4 months old). The father of her baby is abusive and they don't and can't live together but she still insists on seeing him. My husband, who is no better, keeps asking when she's moving out. I also have 4 other children (ages 7-16 years). I feel sorry for my daughter yet I know she needs to try and go out on her own, but we live in the country and she tells me she is afraid to be alone. My husband and me have a fight at least once a month about my girls, and I always leave so it doesn't turn ugly. I am so confused and stressed out. What should I do? Help I'm going crazy. My husband is the father only of the three youngest kids, the 2 older children are not his. He also has 2 children of his own from a previous relationship who do not live with us. He seems to always be trying to get rid of my 2 girls, so I get upset and leave. My husband has bipolar disorder and sometimes life is too crazy for me. I'm trying to keep this family together, but I feel as though I'm being pulled apart. I love everyone and don't want anyone to get hurt or feel hurt. I feel as though I 'm always caught in the middle. My husband really tries at the relationship but then sometimes he says he doesn't know if he can do it.

Dear Troubled Mom: 

You say that your husband is "no better" that the father of your grandchild. If this is the case, then ask youself what advice you give your daughter. Then listen to that advice and take it yourself. Sometimes it is so easy to see things in other people's situaitons yet be blind to the our own. If your own husband is abusive, how can you expect your daughter to be assertive and proactive with regard to the father of her children when her own mother is not able to model this behavior? Insofar as your husband is concerned, Bipolar disorder is a serious psychiatric disorder that typically makes others feel confused, angry and "crazy" while the person with the disorder usually is happy unless they are experiencing a major depressive period. It is a disorder that usually is treatable with medication and psychotherapy. If your husband is not receiving treatment or not following the treatment advice of his physician, do know that not a whole lot is going to get better with him until he does. Best wishes to you and your family. Thanks for writing.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

 

Dear Dr. Simon: 

My husbands ex-wife has been letting their 7 year old son call her live in boyfriend dad. We think that this is the wrong thing to do if they are not married. He is not the child's dad but his mom's boyfriend. This really upsets my husband when he hears his son call another man dad who is not his dad or even his stepdad. Should he say something to his ex about this or just leave it be?

Theresa

Dear Theresa 

Thanks for writing. This is a surprisingly common question and problem. Let me ask you this...if your husband's former wife was married to her current boyfriend, how would this make it OK for him to be called "dad"? Being married would not make this man the boy's father, would it? I strongly feel that a child has one mother and one father and that terms such as "mom" and "dad" should be reserved for these people. Of course, children can and often do form strong and affectionate bonds with stepparents and partners of their parents. If the child wants to use a term of endearment and chooses to do so, I suggest that a different term be selected other than "mom" or "dad". However, I wish to emphasize that children should not be instructed or encouraged to call their parent's new partner by a term of endearment - they should use such a term only if it is their choice and one they make without prompting. My guess would be that your husband will get nowhere with his former wife by talking to her about his concern. The fact that she allows their son to call her boyfriend "dad" suggests that she is not sensitive to your husband's feelings and she probably doesn't actually understand the implications of what she is allowing the son to do. I think that your husband can gently tell his son that it hurts his feelings to hear him use the word "dad" when referring to someone other than him but much more than this will create conflict for the son that won't serve anyone. Unfortunately, this is probably a situaiton that you will have to leave be and one that your husband will have to adjust to. Best wishes. Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon: 

I have a question concerning my 16 year old son. His father and I have joint legal custody, with the primary custody being with his father. My son has decided to stay here, (in Alabama) with me, instead of going home to his dad (Mississippi) now that his summer visitation is up. His father told him he could live with me, and I tried to enroll him in school (the 11th grade) and the school can not enroll him, because his father refuses to let his old school in Mississippi release the official transcript, because he states he has changed his mine and my son can not stay. My son refuses to go home, can I be put in jail for not making him go home? 

Thank you for any help.

Hello: 

Readers such as yourself often ask quesitons of a legal nature. As a psychologist, I am not qualified to answer such legal questions. Please consult with a family law specialist in your area to get the kind of answers you are looking for. My guess is that this individual will be able to help you obtain the school records you need so that your son can enroll in school in Alabama if he stays there with you. Best wishes and thanks for writing. Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon: 

As the single mother of two (almost 13 and 15 ) boys, I am becoming increasingly frustrated, not too mention overly angry, with the level of swearing, defiance, some physical (towards each other) violence that my boys exhibit. Since the familial break-up, we have tried several types of therapy but nothing has a lasting effect. I personally feel involved in negative dynamics I wish to have no part of but have no control over. Like so many single mothers, I do work full-time so my time with my boys is limited. Any suggestions/directios you might offer are greatly appreciated.

Joan

Hi Joan: 

Sounds like your boys are sending up warning flares that they need more attention, focus and structure. I know that being a single parent is a huge challenge. I also know that if you are able to recognize your role in the negative dynamics that you do, at least, have control over yourself and your behavior/responses to your boys. So don't believe your own thinking that you have no control because you do. Be sure to be consistent, follow through and do not negotiate limits and consequences. Is your son's father nearby? What role does he play in their lives? If possible, try discussing the sitaution with him as well and see what you can do to create a unified front for the boys. When dual-household kids see their parents closing ranks, they take notice and they tend to respond. Best wishes and thanks so much for writing.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

 

Dear Dr. Simon: 

I am in dire need of some help. I have a difficult situation. It is a long story I will do my best to make it short, My daughter turned 17 in May, '01. I agreed to let her live with her father in Az. at the age of 12. It has been almost 5 years now. I moved to Az. 2 mo's ago to be with her in her senior year of high school. Over the course of 5 years, she would call and cry on the telephone about her step mother who seems to be very controlling and manipulative of my daughther as well as to her father who doesn't stick up for my daughter. When they heard that I was relocating to Az. the step mother immediately took back all the monetary gifts that were given to my daughter. i.e.. car, cell and all privileges. It was also confirmed by his older daughter (step sister from a previous marriage) that " step" was being very mean to my daughter. I have been very patient as of this date. I am trying not to add additional stress to my daughter's life. However, I do not know what to do. During the course of the last 5 years I have tried not to interfere with the way of their discipline. My daughter is "afraid" to talk about any situation that might cause conflict. She does not want to deal with it. I need some guidance and I Thank You in advanced for any solutions.

Respectfully,

Mom

Dear Mom: 

It sounds like your daughter truly needs you close by to provide her with some balance. You are to be complimented for having held your tongue and not interfered over the past five years. Clearly, that would not have accomplished anything anyway. Your daughter, at age 17, is old enough to decide if she wishes to continue living with her father and stepmother or if she would prefer, at this point, to live primarily with you. I have to wonder...if her father doesn't have the gumption to speak up to his wife who, according to your description, is being very inappropriate, is her father truly capable of being an appropriate custodial parent to begin with. Now that you are living nearby, why don't you and your daughter speak together with a qualified therapist, sort out how she is feeling and what she thinks is best for her in terms of a living situation. If her father and/or stepmother want to get involved so much the better (but from what you've said, the stepmother wouldn't dare involve herself and the father would be afraid to). Do remember this...your daughter is old enough to make decisions for herself. This also means that she is old enough to understand that she is responsible for her situation. If she can choose to change things but doesn't elect to do so, that's her choice and her responsibility. Don't take that on yourself. Thanks much for writing and best wishes!

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon: 

My son recently came to live with me three months ago after an argument with his mother. He is still here and doing great. He is 13 years old and lived primarily with his mom since we divorced 9 years ago. Since he has come to live with me, his mom and her parents are harassing him. They want him home. They tell him he will amount to nothing if he stays with me. They have said this home is a bad environment and he is not learning anything here. The negative comments against me are affecting him and I don't know what to do for him. His mother refuses to talk to me and thinks I am making him stay here against his will, even though he has denied this. He wants to visit and misses them but their continuing badgering is turning him away from them.

Dear Dad: 

It sounds as if the presence of lingering anger and mistrust between you and your former wife have your son caught in the crossfire. Before things deteriorate any more, I suggest you get a neutral third party, such as a qualified therapist, involved. This individual can help your son sort out his feelings and can assist you and his mother in communicating about your son's needs. Certainly his wanting to see his mom is a good thing but if his fear of their badgering him stands in his way of actually visiting them, they need to know and understand this. Please get your son someone to work with and talk to about these issues who is experienced in working with high-conflict custody disputes as soon as you can. The longer you wait, the more everyone's feelings with harden and the more difficult it will be to find good solutions. Thanks so much for writing.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon: 

I have a 3.5 year old daughter and a 2.5 year old son. I am a single mom, 25 years old. They both are very curious and very energetic children. At home they seem to be okay however they do fight over toys and will hit each other. This fighting causes me to get very upset and I find myself yelling at them to stop. Their behavior in public is even worse. They both seem to feed of each others energy and are constantly running around, crying and fighting. My daughter seems calmer and will do as asked however my son seems to get quite frustrated and usually has temper tantrums and cries loudly until I give him some attention. My daughter seems to watch this and eventually starts to act out as well. Often, I have to deal with both children crying. I find myself getting very embarrassed and usaully beg for them to stop. I usually yell at them. They do eventually stop. At times I am so frustrated i feel like hitting them but I know this will only make things worse.  Their behavior in public has kept me at home a lot since I do not want to deal with their public behaviour. Please can you give me some ideas how to deal with my children and myself. I am at wits end.   Please help. Thank you.    

Dear Mom: 

Raising two young children is difficult even when you are not a single mom! The situation you describe is one I often hear parents describe.  Believe it or not, your children know that when you are in public with them that it is harder for you to assert control and to set limits with them.  It is normal for children to test limits and it is normal for your two children to play off of one another and, in many ways, encourage one another.  This encouragement can take the form of provoking one another and fighting.  It makes sense for a parent in your situation to carefully choose when and when not to go out in public with the children since things can be so difficult. Taking them to places that are more appropriate and accomodating of children is certainly easier than taking them to places where "adult" behavior and good impulse control is expected.  Nevertheless, there are times when you have no choice but to take them with you such as the grocery store. You are right that hitting the children won't help but do be assured that your wish to hit them is normal.  We feel like hitting when we are frustrated and how can anyone help but be frustrated in situations such as the ones you describe?  Begging them only gives them the control because it shows them that they are in charge, not you.  It is at times like these that you have to set firm limits and follow through on the limits.  Sometimes, you may even have to leave a store before you are done, leaving the groceries in the cart with the manager, so as to show the children that you are in charge and to reassert your authority.  It may also help to tell your children, in advance, what kind of behavior you expect from them and to offer them a reward for displaying this behavior.  However, be sure that the behavior you expect from them is behavior they can deliver given their ages. Also, be sure that you are ready to deal with behavior that might arise. For example, don't go grocery shopping with your children when you are tired and already frustrated with them or something else.  Wait until you feel ready and feel able to be as patient as you know how to be. Best wishes and thanks so much for writing.   Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

 

Dear Dr. Simon 

I have a 14-year old daughter. Her mother and I divorced when she was 2. We have joint legal custody. Her mother has physical custody. Her mother has remarried and has one child. I have remarried as well with no additional children. My daughter has made many friends and is now a freshman in high school. She has many extra-curricular activities at school. Unfortunately, she has been lying to my ex-wife about her schoolwork, doesn't turn in her homework and her grades have been slipping the past 3 years. I have tried to enforce some boundaries for her in doing her homework but it has been a challenge. I live 60 miles away from her and do not see her during the week. Her mother has carried the brunt of this, but I am afraid has not been able to provide boundaries for her. She will say she is grounded but then eases up and lets her slip off easily. Recently, my daughter has begun to cut ties off with me. Although she loves me, she says she would rather do this activity or another activity with her friends. She says this even though we have made plans. These plans include buying baseball tickets that were sold out which I had to pay top money and many other incidences. It is very painful. Her mother has never been able to provide her with sound judgement and boundaries of what is right and wrong. Unfortunately, I am being cut out seeing her. It is difficult. I love her very much but it is very clear my daughter has put her friends over me. I realize this would take place but cannot believe that even after we had made plans for "my" weekend she still says "i am not going and that is final." This is so bad it now this impacts my family. My wife has been putting up with her slowly growing erratic behavior for 5 years. I am afraid that my daughter has caused my wife to be greatly disappointed. She is concerned for me and refuses to be on my daughters "whenever my schedule lightens, I want to see you" manipulative list. Perhaps you can give me some advise to this complex scenario.

Sad Dad

Dear Sad Dad: 

Your daughter is exhibiting predictable and typical teenage behavior that sounds quite "typical" to me. It is typical for teenagers of divorce to place priority on friends over parents. Even when the parents live close to one another, it is not uncommon for teens to state that they wish to live primarily in one home over the other. This decision is usually based on a number of factors but is primarily motivated by their developmental need to consolidate their identity. It is also because, believe it or not, they want their friends to know where to find them. I can well understand that you are hurt and angry that your daughter is behaving in a selfish fashion by not going with you to the ballgame you bought tickets for, with her knowledge. This self-absorption is also a classic teenage matter and you are wise not to interpret it as directed at you. I can assure you that her mother, who spends more time with the child, can offer a number of similar examples. I suggest that you let your daughter know that her not attending the ballgame you got tickets for is something that you find hurtful. Next time you buy tickets for an event that include her, make sure you set good limits with her and let her know that if she doesn't come, she'll have to buy the ticket. You can also consider simply not including her in this kind of plan in the future. Then, when she asks why she was not included, simply describe what happened last time and move on. 
Thank you for writing.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

 

Dear Dr. Simon: 

My 2 yr old nephew is very caring and loving. He recently has a new baby brother and since then he has learned to be gentle with him after several weeks of being ruff around him. However, almost always when he is with other children especially younger than him, he pushes them down, takes away their toys and we always hear the child crying. His parents are very loving to him . They explain to him that this makes the child unhappy, they separate him from the situation but he does it again each time he says I'm sorry. Please help. Thank you.

Student of psych

Dear Student: 

The behavior your describe is not at all uncommon. Your nephew is at a time in his own development where mastery of the external world is a major focus for him. For some children, this takes the form of aggressive behavior. His parents are doing the right thing when they remove him from the situation. It is important for them to be very patient for this intervention to take effect. Telling the child that his behavior makes other children "unhappy" probably is not going to be effective because this requires the child to have the capacity for empathy. Two year old children have not yet acquired this capacity. It would probably be more effective to tell the children that his behavior "hurts" other people since he certainly knows what it feels like to have physical pain.

Thank you for writing.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon:

For the first time, I searched for info on single parenting online. It seems that every other topic is about dating or sex. I have a 2 year old, her father and I never married. He left when she was 5 months old and has done his best to make life impossible ever since. Still, my little one knows that it's supposed to be "a Mama-Daddy-Baby House", and pretends that Dad is waiting when we come home from an outing. I feel terrible about not having a "normal" household for her to grow up in, and she is my top priority in this life. I just don't think it is OK for me to ever subject her to some other man around our home or our life. I'm not judging those single parents who do "date", but I cannot see putting my daughter through it. She is innocent, but seems to get the consequences of our screwed up mess. Am I really off base? Is it perfectly ok to pick up from a failed relationship and hit the single life when there are kids involved? It isn't business as usual, in my opinion.

Dear Reader:

Everyone has a right to a happy and full life. Most of us seek companionship, love and intimacy. Yes, having children complicates dating in many ways and it is wonderful that you are sensitive to the potential impact of your dating on your child. Not everyone is comfortable dating after a failed relationship and no one needs to feel that they "should" date if they don't want to. However, for most people, getting out into the world again and once again being in relationship is something that is wanted and sought. You have to decide what is best for you and for your child. Just be sure that you are not allowing yourself to use your perceptions of you daughter's emotions to provide you with a reason not to take the risk of loving again.

Best wishes.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

Dear Dr. Simon, 

I want to know if I'm doing the right thing. My son and I live with my parents and I 'm not married. I left my boyfriend because he cheated on me when I was pregnant with our son. Time went on I did let him see him because I wanted to give him a chance and to let my son see his father. My parents and I are raising him but things are turning to the worse, because the father has hepatitis C. I did not want him to let the child drink from the same cup and he would let him drink from his cup. He also did other things I would tell him not to do and he did not respect us in our home. When I got mad with him and wanted him to go, he got mad left the house with out hardly saying goodbye to our son. My son which is two-year old was crying and upset. I feel he can get at mad at me but not take it out on our son. I do not want him back in my son's life because I feel he will hurt him mentally and health wise. He is young and has a good grandfather and uncle for role models.

Dear Mom: 

It is so important that you remember that your son has two parents. When a parent takes the perspective that they, alone, have the right to decide what is and is not OK for the child, they act as if the child is their child alone. This sets the stage for a lot of conflict but more importantly it sends the child a message that he "belongs" to one of the parents but not the other. I'm worried that this is the perspective you are taking. I'm sure that you son's father is someone who is immature and, at times, irresponsible. I'm also sure that you are not perfect and that you have your share of problems too. Your son's father should behave in a decent manner when in your parent's home of course. However, who gave you the right to decide what the father should and should not do with the child? And by the way, Hepatitis C cannot be transmitted by way of sharing a drinking cup. Therefore, it is you that is incorrect in this instance, not him. If someone were to say to you that your son didn't need to see his mother because he had a grandmother and aunt who were good role models, how would you feel? Would you say that this was ridiculous since your son has only one mother and that you can't be replaced? Please think of this when you say things such as you son doesn't need his father. Other role models are great...but there is only one person who is "dad". You are going to have to find a way to co-parent with your son's father. You made the decision to have a relationship with him that led to your son's conception. You have to live with this decision and find a way to work with this man because this is what is right and best for the child you love. Thank you for writing.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

 

 

Dr. Simon

I and the mother of our child have reached an impasse: at 5 years old, it's now time for us to decide who will be the primary custodial parent once school starts in the Fall. For the last 3 years, since she left her home and took our child with her, we have eventually reached a parenting plan wherein we each share responsibility and time for him on a 50/50 basis. Here's the rub: we live 500 miles apart. We cannot agree on who should be the primary custodial parent, even though we do agree on many aspects of the parenting plan. We went to mediation to help us work out a plan, but it still ended in neither of us agreeing on who gets him in the Fall. I'm afraid she has taken this matter to the court, instead of working it out with ourselves together, and the court has directed us to participate in a parenting assessment to determine the matter. Could you kindly let me know what all such an assessment entails? How can I find out more about the nature and modalities of the assessment, its length, what information is shared, who is interviewed, the location of such interviews, etc. Additionally, can you make any recommendations regarding resources and people you know are available in Sonoma County, where I reside? Is it possible for agencies, such as yours, to fly to northern California? What happens in circumstances of such great distances?

Thank you in advance.

David

Hi David: 

So often, language says so much about what people are truly thinking and feeling. I notice that you use the phrase "which one of us gets him" when referring to where you son will live this coming Fall. This makes me wonder if either or both of you, at some level, experience the determination of primary residence for your son as a win or loss in an ongoing struggle for power and influence with one another. Should this be the case, there is no collaborative process that can assist you and your child's mother in reaching a decision about his best interests. While this is unfortunate, it is very common when parents divorce, particularly when circumstances have them living some distance from one another. A parenting assessment focuses on the nature of parenting skills, parent-child interactions and the plusses/minuses of each home environment. Unlike psychological custody evaluations which also study the personality and dynamics of each parent, the parenting assessment emphasizes the here-and-now parenting skills issues and quality of parent-child attachment and interactions. Procedures for parenting assessments vary but are typically less extensive than those involved in a full psychological evaluation. They include interviews with each parent, objective self-administered psychological testing (such as the MMPI) and observation of parent/child interactions. The professional staff of our agency has, indeed, traveled to conduct such assessments. However, this has been the case then the jurisdiction of the case is in our local community (San Diego) but one of the parents lives out of the area. While staff of an agency such as ours could travel, whoever does the assessment has to be agreed to by both sides and ordered by the court as the evaluating agency. While I do not personally know of agencies in your area that currently are qualified by your courts to conduct such assessments, I would imagine that attorneys in your area as well as court staff in your area would be able to provide you with such resources. Thanks for writing and best wishes to you.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Simon: 

I'll try to make this short but it will be difficult. I have been involved in a custody battle for over 3 yrs. My son is now 5 yrs. old and will be 6 in Sept. I have had 2 lawyers spent approx $30,000 and now have a public aid attorney due to the fact I am broke. My X is a convicted felon fighting me for custody only out of spite against the break up. I have had an order of protection against him and just recently have had to seek another one not only against him but also his live in girlfriend. He has never abided by the parenting agreement I was forced into, approx. 2 yrs. ago because our lovely judicial system is so fair (NOT). I am going to court this Fri June 29, 2001, to try and obtain a restraining order on the girlfriend, due to the fact Jake has told me on several occasions that he has observed sexual activity, seen her new breasts, she has punched him in the stomach on one ocassion and slapped him in his side which he said (momma that really hurt) I am also seeking restricted visitation on his father and requesting him to attend stress management courses due to the fact he demeans me approx. every visit and also his 20 yr. old brother and 14 yr. old sister calling us all losers, which I have been allowed to tape any and all conversations with his father during their conversations on the phone. I guess I'm just asking WHAT CAN I DO FOR JAKE IN ORDER TO PROTECT HIM SINCE THE SYSTEM HAS CONTINUED TO FAIL NOT JUST ME BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY JAKE. Any advice would be greatlly appreciated. 

Thank you for your time in reading this.

Kim: 

I wish I had words of wisdom that would help you make sense of all of this. Clearly, a custody battle that has been ongoing for three years is frustrating to say the least. Unfortunately, our family court system cannot change who people are and cannot make people behave in a certain way or conform to certain standards. I am sure that for frequent readers of this column, what I am going to say next is becoming old - but here goes. People go to family court to solve personal problems, not legal problems in the classic sense. No court will ever be able to solve interpersonal problems - only people can solve these problems. However, a specific suggestion that I would make at this time is that you request a full psychological evaluation of all involved parties. This will assist the Court in determining the nature of the personality of the parents and the child and can, therefore, help to determine if damage is being done to your son in the current situation. No matter what the outcome of litigation is, please take your son to a qualified and experienced mental health professional so he can have a safe and neutral place to vent his frustrations, learn more coping skills and have a place of his own in which his worries and concerns can be addressed on his terms. Best wishes and thank you for writing.

Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.

Robert Alexander Simon, Ph.D. is a Licensed Psychologist (PSY10800) in practice in San Diego, California. Dr. Simon has over twenty years of experience and expertise in child and family psychology and in helping families cope with problems and disagreements that come about when families break up. He is a recognized expert in the area of child custody.  Dr. Simon conducts child custody evaluations, mediations and expert consultation.  He is a founding member of the San Diego Family Law Council for Children and is an active member of the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts.  He is a sought after speaker and trainer.  Dr. Simon is a single parent with two teenage sons.  He brings to his work the accumulated knowledge and experience of his years in practice along with the practical experience of being a parent of children who have experienced divorce in their own lives.

 

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