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Ask Dr. Simon Your Questions About Divorce, Custody, Child-Sharing and Co-Parenting
If you would like to submit your question(s) to Dr. Simon,
please email them to rsimon@dr-simon.com.
Dear Dr. Simon,
Please let me know if I'm doing the right thing.. I have a three year old son and his father and I are not together. We broke up when he was born due to all the fightinng, I did not want that around my son. However, his father has been in his life since birth but the past year in a half he hasn't been that great of a father. He complains when he has to watch him so I can go to work, or doesn't even show up. I already had to leave one job due to his inconsistency. At one point he got bad with drinking where when ever he was with our son he was hung-over where to me it felt as if my son would of been better watching himself. It is now been four months since he hasnt seen him he contacted me twice in that time to see if he could see him but I've told him no once and then fine the next time but I asked if he would call me the day before to discuss when he would come. He never called, so now I told him if he wants to see him he has to take me to court for visitation rights. All I want is for my son to have a father but i don't feel that it is healthy for him to be around him (his father). I'm tired of my son hearing us fight because he doesnt' want to spend time with him, I'm tired of him showing no responsibilities towards his child. Sometimes I feel as if my son is better off with out him, but at the same time I believe every child should have a mother and father. I'm not trying to say i'm a perfect mother but ido my best, I'm there for my son when he needs me, I also cut off my social life just to make sure he doesn't feel that I'm leaving him as well. Please if you have any advice for me I would greatly appreciate it.
Thank You.
B.M.
Dear B.M.,
You are right when you say that every child should have a mother and a father. I understand your being upset that your son's father doesn't seem to be able to play a consistent role in your son's life. Unfortunately, when relationships break up it is not uncommon for one of the parents (often the father but moms do this too) to come into and go out of a child's life. I'm sure that you have some of your own angry feelings with your son's father that have to do with why the relationship ended anyway. Be sure to keep these feelings out of the way when you are considering how you feel about the situation with regard to your son. From what you say, you can't depend on him to be there when he says he will be there so it would be best not to make plans for yourself that depend on him showing up to take care of your son. This way, you won't be personally frustrated or inconvenienced by his failing to follow through. I would try and communicate to your son's father how sad and painful it is for your son when he is looking forward to seeing his daddy and daddy does not show up. Make sure and communicate from your son's perspective, not yours. And although it may be difficult, I would try and stay open to his man spending time with your son so long as he does not create a situation where your son's safety is an issue. For example, his showing up under the influence or hung over would not be acceptable. His showing up late, however, would be acceptable since it is your son's interests that you want to foster. So long as safety is not an issue, I am not sure how making his father go to court to be able to see the child makes sense. This would only end up costing you both a good deal of money in legal fees and would create even more tension and anger. Instead, I would try and negotiate a visitation schedule with his father so that you and your son know when to expect him. You can build in provisions that state that if he is more than a certain number of minutes late that you and your son can go about your day if you wish (this would also allow you to choose to wait if you wanted to.) This will also allow you to avoid his calling at the last minute asking to see the child when you might, for example, have made other plans. Best wishes to both you and your son. Please write again if I can be of additional information.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My husband and I are preparing to file for divorce. We have been separated for a year and our two daughters (ages 2 and 4) have been alternating weeks with each parent for the last year. My husband is a full time student who does not work. I am a government employee with 5 years tenure, have paid all daycare and health insurance bills since my husband started college two years ago. After completing his associate's degree, my husband has decided that he is going to continue his studies at a university over 100 miles away. He feels that the girls should move with him to family housing on the campus because he wouldn't have to put the girls in daycare as much as I do. Our 50/50 relationship was working well and I'm concerned that another move for the girls to a new home (sure, they'll have all their stuff from his house) will be more disruption than necessary for reducing the amount of time they are in daycare by a few hours a week. They have an established home here and live in the same community they were born in. They have been attending the same daycare together for the last 2 years and the oldest is going to start kindergarten with some of her daycare classmates. I am financially stable and he has admitted that he is not going to get a job to help support him while he is in college but will live off of the stipends and student loans. I guess his main arguement is the reduction in hours per week the girls spend in daycare outweighs the stress of a move and distruption of the routine they've come to know. What is your opinion?
Angie
Dear Angie:
Your question is an important one because it has to do with the impact of geographic separation on young children when their parents divorce. As if the case in most of these situations, each parent feels that they have a strong and valid argument about why the children would be better of in their care. Often, each argument has value and validity. This, then, demonstrates that there are a number of components that constitute what is and is not a good situation for young children after divorce. From what you present, each of you has good reasons for believing that your daughters would be best off in your care. From what you state, you and your children's father have been able to maintain a good co-parenting relationship in the aftermath of your separation. Assuring that the co-parenting relationship remains strong and positive is probably the most important thing that you can do for your daughters. While it is unfortunate that their father must relocate so as to continue his education, such is the circumstance of his life and, therefore, the girl's lives and your life. Life is not necessarily fair nor circumstances optimal. I cannot assess the relative plusses and minuses of your argument or what his argument might be nor can I assess the parenting skills or situation each of you offer your children. However, I can strongly encourage the two of you to sit down with a neutral third party - an experienced and expert mediator - to work out an agreement about the children's residential issues. Working out an agreement without resorting to litigation will help to keep your co-parenting relationship healthy and positive. This is absolutely best for the children! Once you resort to litigation, you engage in an adversarial process which results in the ripping and tearing of the co-parenting relationship. Best wishes to all four of you. I am sure that other readers of this column would enjoy some follow-up from you about how things were decided and how things are working for your family.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
I'm so desperate for some advice for problems with visitation concerning my step daughter who is 13. She has lived with us (we have a his, mine and ours blended kind of family) for 8 years. Through the years there have been problems with many issues including visitation, support, etc. At this time the issue is visitation. Mom has had her share of problems or bad luck in the past, bad judgment with boyfriends, felony conviction, driving with no license, etc. I know that she loves her daughter and her other daughter by another relationship. I can now see (as I couldn't in my twenties) how all of this conflict between the parents myself included has had and continues to have a negative effect on my step daughter. She is so stuck between a rock and a hard place. Recently her Mom broke off a long term relationship and moved out on her own. Kinda. The tornado started to swirl then. We have had several safety issues revolving around the visits. Kids left sleeping in car in parking lot all night while Mom worked. Kids seen by relatives at an all night store at 12:30am while mom shopped somewhere else in the store. New boyfriend broke into her house through an upstairs window chased Mom around the house (our daughter not there but terrified that her mom was going to get hurt unless someone did something). This month Mom has new boyfriend and is taking my husband to court because he won't allow her to take their daughter to this man's house to spend the night out of town on her weekend visits. What in the world do we do? We certainly want as much contact with her Mom as possible. She loves her Mom very much. However she is torn between the two lifestyles and the conflicts that come between the parents. We want her to be safe and happy... Please give us some advice... Her Mom thinks this whole matter is a control issue on my husbands part and has filed for full custody. I can't see how she can't acknowledge that we may have some ligitamate concerns for her safety and the morality of what her she exposes the kids to.
Thanks
Thanks so much for writing. From what you present, it is easy to understand that you are concerned and why you are concerned. What your situation illustrates is one of the most common dynamics in coparenting and one that gives rise to a great deal of coparental conflict that has a very negative impact on children. It is so easy in these situation to focus upon the behavior of the other parent and give less of your focus to helping the children become more able to articulate their concerns and providing them with opportunities to build their resiliance in the face of conflict. By its very nature, litigation is an adversarial process in which the conflict between the parents becomes heightened and magnified. While I always advise parents to mediate conflict whenever possible and avoid litigation whenever possible, litigation all to often seems unavoidable and parents come to feel it is actually necessary. Since it now seems that this matter is going to be litigated, I want to strongly suggest that you orient your declarations and the points you wish to make in litigation towards describing your concerns for the child's well being rather than towards the mother's behavior. Yes, these are two sides of the same coin. If mother wasn't demonstrating behavior that worried you, you would not have to describe your concerns for the child. However, the tone of what you present in your pleadings and during any court hearings are, in and of themselves, a part of the context in which the child lives and processes conflict. Thus, if you are able to take a more "pro child" stance, this may help diminish conflict in the long run which clearly is what serves the child. Finally, I would like to repeat something that many of you have heard me say so many times. Please remember that people who end up in family court do not have true legal problems per se. They have personal problems. No court of law will ever solve personal problems. The court will only tell the parties what they will and will not do. Remember that your job as a parent is to do the very best you can do in your home environment. You cannot impact what takes place in the other parental home. Take action about what you feel is going on in the other home only when absolutely necessary and put your energy, instead, into building the most appropriate, nurturing and positive home life you possibly can. Best wishes to you and thanks again for writing.
My husband currently has 50/50 custody of his boys ages 7 & 8. I have full custody of my boys ages 8 & 10. When we are all together it makes for a very nice family unit. My husband's ex-wife has recently decided that 50/50 custody is not healthy for their boys and she wants to change the custody arrangement. She has proposed that she keep them for the school year only during the week, he can have weekends and then all summer. She is in an unstable living situation, she currently lives with a man who does not participate with the kids; example - he will not eat dinner with them, he eats by himself or just with her. This is her 5th live in boyfriend in 7 years. My husband would prefer to have full custody of their boys because we could offer a more stable and family oriented environment for them all. Typically the courts lean towards the mother as long as she keeps a roof over their heads. My question to you is this, is having the kids live in Dad's house for 7 days and Mom's house for 7 days unstable and unhealthy for them?
Concerned Mother of 4
Even though we are often tempted to come up with hard and fast rules for what is and is not "healthy" in coparenting situations, the truth is that each family situation is unique. The basic guiding principle that I feel is vital is that the children be afforded the opportunity to have a meaningful, compelling and loving relationship with each parent, free from the interference of the other parent and free from the "adult issues" that exist between the parents. How this can be implemented in a given situation is, obviously, different from situation to situation. Moreover, there is no guideline that states that a "50/50" child sharing plan is optimal or best for children. While I believe that all experts would agree that consistency, stability and predictability within the home environments is a very important issue to consider when making child sharing recommendations, there are numerous factors to consider and sitautions are rarely as black and white as each parent would represent them to be. In high conflict and polarized coparenting situations, children often become experts at distorting and misrepresenting what goes on in the home of the other parent. So please take what they say to you with a grain of salt and recognize that minimizing conflict is, ultimately, best for everyone. Thank you so much for writing and do write back if I can be of further information.
I have a concern that I am hoping you may be able to give me some advice to remedy. My ex-husband has custody of our 16 yr old. We only live about a mile apart, and I typically see her every other weekend and Tues, Wed, and Thurs evenings. We actually have joint custody but I am paying child support and she primarily lives with him. I am remarried and he is living with his girlfriend. Here is my dilemma. His girlfriend typically spends hours on the phone, usually according to my daughter talking to her friend across the street. In other words, non urgent type calls. When I try to call my daughter she will not answer the caller ID. I cant get through for hours at a time. I recently emailed him and requested he do something about this situation. I informed him that the caller ID shows my name and she will not pick it up. His solution to the problem was to get voice mail. He never responded to my complaint but instead proceeded with getting voice mail. This is no solution to the problem as last night I again called for 2 hrs, left messages on the voice mail for my daughter but she has no way of getting the messages or calling me back as she cant get on the phone. This is becoming increasingly annoying. I have an idea that she is purposely doing this to aggravate me. I have thought of going over to his home and ringing the door bell, and asking to speak to my daughter. My daughter is afraid this will cause problems. Do you have any suggestions? My ex and I are not even on speaking terms so it is difficult.
Thanks,
Marilyn
Dear Marilyn:
Your letter is one that illustrates a couple of important aspects with regard to child sharing. First, it illustrates that way in which it is so often the case that the new spouse/romantic partner of a former spouse is so often at the center of conflict. What is so unfortunate about this is that this individual really has no co-parental authority and yet so often is more easily upset with and irritated with the other parent. I can't tell you how many times I've heard mom's tell me that their husband's new wife is the source of so much tension between the homes (or that the wife's new husband is). There are really no good research studies on this issue and its causes that I am aware of. My own clinical experience suggests that often the new spouse is less prone to "normalizing" annoying behavior on the part of their new spouses former spouse and because they lack an emotional bond with their new spouses former spouse, they are far less patient with the many issues. So often, they experience the former spouse as an intrusive force in their new marriage and one they feel bound and determined to protect their new spouse from. And so very often, the degree of conflict generated by the new spouse is also indicative of the degree of dysfunction in the coparental relationship. Thus, the new spouse can be understood to "amplify" conflict which is already in existence.
While I understand that you are very
aggrivated by the situation in your former husband's home, it is probably not the case
that his new wife is trying to go out of her way to annoy you. Rather, it is more likely
that she simply does nothing to accomodate your needs or be considerate towards you. You
state that your daugther is 16 years old. It might help you to know that at her age, it is
usually best for you to allow her to initiate contact with you unless you have a specific
reason you need to speak with her (such as a logistical matter, doctor's appointment,
school issue and so forth). At her age, parents find it best to allow the teenager to
initiate the kind of "chit chat" type phone calls that take place with the
non-residential parent. In your case, if your daughter has not called you in a week or so,
certainly a friendly "hello" from you is appropriate but there really is no
developmentally appropriate reason to initiate calls more often than that for general chit
chat, especially since you do see her quite often. Thus, it may actually be the case that
you don't have nearly as large a problem as you thought you did in the first place.
Indeed, even in intact families, teenagers want and need control over how much
"access" parents have to them. So long as your daughter is not denied access to
the phone in her father's home to call you when she wants to, I suggest that you worry a
whole lot less about the situation and focus back on what takes place in your home and
during your parenting. Thank you so much for your thought provoking letter.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon,
My ex-husband and I separated in 1997 at which time I moved back home with mom. Four weeks later I found out I was pregnant. He wanted me to terminate the pregnancy, but I refused. I tried to include him in the pregnancy-inviting him to doctor visits, but he wanted no part of it. Our son was born, and although we tried to reconcile (he moved into mom's as well) it just didn't work out. He never helped with the baby-during the 10 month period of time he lived with me in my other's home, he wouldn't help with diapers, feedings, nothing. I finally asked him to leave, and I filed for divorce. In our final divorce agreement, I was awarded sole legal and sole physical custody of my son. His dad willingly and freely signed everything, and has had little contact with his child since that time. I have been the primary person in my son's life his entire life. Now, at age three, daddy wants to be back in the picture...he wants every other weekend, etc. Basically, exactly what a court would order for this age. My concern is my child. He is an extremely timid little boy, and I am worried that he will be traumatized by all of this. He is not at all comfortable with his father, and I think it will be too upsetting to have to spend the night with a virtual stranger. I have never tried to keep my ex from being active in our child's life, but I do feel that there has to be some sensitivity in trying to transition him back in. He chose to have limited involvement, and I understand that he may be sorry that he has missed out on the first three years, but I do not think my child should have to suffer because of it. My ex refuses to listen to any suggestions I have given about this. I have asked that he come to visit our son at home, where he's comfortable, regularly. I have asked him to try and build his relationship before just taking him overnight. I am hoping to find information to support my opinion so that I can show him that I'm not just trying to "make things difficult."
Any advice you can give will be greatly appreciated. I would also appreciate any books, web sites, articles etc. that you could recommend on this subject. Sincerely, S.K.
Dear S.K.,
Thank you very much for your letter. Your question illustrates something very important and I am glad to have the chance to address the issue. Before I do that, however, I want to congradulate you on your attitude and your desire to keep your child's father in his life despite the history of your relationship with him and his absence for these past three years. Many parents in your situation would do anything they could to block the father from having access to the child. You seem to welcome it but want to reintroduce your son's father into his life in a way that does not overwhelm him. Indeed, experience tell me that what makes sense at this point is for your child's father to spend time with your son in gradually increasing amounts of time and in gradually less structured situations. It makes sense for your son to see his father, initially, in surroundings that are familiar to him and that he feels a sense of control over. If his father does not wish to do this in your home, I would suggest that this be done in another familiar setting such as a relative's home, a day care center or something of this nature. Sometimes it is also helpful to have a professional present who can help structure the situation as well. For example, I have had the opportunity to work for a few sessions in my office with a young child so that he/she and I are well acquainted, there is trust and rapport between us and he/she is familiar with the office. Once this is established, the "new" parent is introduced to the child in this familair setting. This allows for the "new" parent to interact with the child without the established parent having to be present. This decreases tension between the parents and allows the "new" parent to establish a relationship witht he child on his/her own terms. Whatever the setting or situation, it is best with a very young child, that this introduction go at the pace the child can tolerate not at the pace the parents deisre (usually the "new" parent wants to work rapidly, the "old" parent wants to work slowly). For this reason, it is often helpful to have a professional help you make the decisions about how slowly or rapidly things should unfold if you can't reach these agreements yourself. I should also tell you that research shows that young children can and do benefit from overnight parenting time with the noncustodial parent. Thus, once your son and his father have established a certain degree of trust and closeness, having him stay overnight with his father on some form of a regular basis will enhance and enrich their bond. Thank you once again for writing. Please write back if you have any other questions about his or any other issue.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
My husband and I both work full time and we are going through a divorce after 7 years of marriage. We have a 20 month old daughter who has co-slept with us since birth and who I continue to breastfeed in the morning before work, in the evening when I get home and 2 to 3 times during the night. My husband is not supportive of our daughter's co-sleeping or continued breastfeeding. I plan to continue breastfeeding and co-sleeping until she decides she doesn't need it anymore....I'm assuming that will be around age 3 for breastfeeding and around age 5 for co-sleeping....however, I'm not on a fixed schedule to stop. The problem is visitation. My husband wants our daughter 2 overnights during each week and Friday through Sunday evening on alternate weekends. I'm willing to agree to 2 evenings during each week (not overnights) and Satuday morning through Sunday evening on alternate weekends. My lawyer thinks I'm being unreasonable. My daughter has never been away from me for more than 12 hours and has never been away from me overnight. I'm concerned that this much separation from me would be traumatic...especially the overnights. I need documentation or resources that can support my views on visitation. Please help! Thanks.
Sincerely,
Amie
Hi Amie:
The parenting style you are referring to is something known as "attachment parenting". This approach to early childhood is controversial and there is a good deal of disagreements amongst experts about whether it is or is not something that serves the best interests of children. The issue of documentation or resources that supports your views brings up an important point. When bringing controversial issues before the Court, one can typically find support for more than one point of view from sources that are thought of as credible. If your lawyer tells you that you are being unreasonable, I suggest that you listen carefully to this. Your lawyer knows what the courts in your area tend to do in crafting parenting plans for young children and while it may not be what you want to hear, it may be a reality that you will have to work to accept.
Best Wishes...
Dr. Simon
Dear Dr. Simon,
I am desperately needing advise.
I am married to wonderful man who I met almost 3 years ago when he was finalizing his divorce from his first wife. During the divorce his ex wife built him up in the eyes of the court to be someone completely different from the man I knew at that time and presently. She convinced the court to only grant supervised visits to their 6 month old daughter at the time. Wanting to have some visitation with his daughter rather than none, he agreed. (she had left him when the baby was only 4 months). It took him almost another year to finally get unsupervised visits and at that they were only limited to 3-4 hours at a time. When a court mediator suggested to his ex-wife to allow more time unsupervised, since she wasn't able to substantiate her claims of abuse against him, she finally agreed to 6-8 hour visits, and overnights when she turned 3 yrs.
When she about 1 1/2 yr. we received unsupervised visits and the daughter would gladly go with us on outings. About the same time she turned 2 yr., she started to cry and scream loud enough to curdle your blood whenever we would attempt to pick her up for those 6-8 hour visits. This stopped briefly when the mother agreed to drop the child off at my husbands parents house as to allow adjustment to the new environment before her mother left the picture for just the afternoon so my husband could have his time too. The daughter is now 3 yr. and we have a new visitation agreement that gives us every other weekend Fri-Sun overnights and Thursday night dinner. However, the daughter has started her screaming fits once again. Recently, she even refused to talk to her father on the telephone. We have only had his daughter overnight 3 nights since the mother agreed to overnights and when we go to get her for dinner on Thursday's she doesn't want to leave her grandmother's side so we wind up eating with the grandmother just to visit with the daughter.
This is a major source of frustration and stress on our marriage as well as the relationship my husband has been trying to build with his daughter in the limited time he gets with her. I hate to see her cry like that. It is my opinion that someone is filling her head with lies about my husband and I. The change came rather suddenly and coincided with our filing in court for decrease in child support. We have suggested to the mother counsleing for the three of them but she always has excuses for why she hasn't made in appointment. Her recent excuse was that my husband is not covered on her health insurance and so he can not be a part of the session at all. I see no benifit in that. Would individual counseling for the daughter be beneficial? I believe the mother could beneift from counseling as well to help her get over issuses she has left over from the divorce. What do you suggest? We have tried almost everything. Help!
Frustrated Wife and Step-Parent
Hello Frustrated Wife/Stepparent:
Thank you so much for writing. It sounds as if there are a couple of things that could be going on in this situation. One thing that I hear, for sure, is that there is a lot of mistrust, anger and antipathy between the homes. This very young child may well perceive this negativity and because of her young age, she may expresses her awareness and response in the form of tantrums and overwhelm. Since it is rarely the case that there is one home that is a "good home" and one home that is a "bad home", you and your husband certainly would help this child by looking at how your behavior and attitudes add to her overwhelm. This is the same advise I would give the mother but, as you are aware, the only home you can impact is your own home. Remember, young children perceive and experience emotions but they do not understand them nor do they have the emotional, mental or cognitive ability to process the feelings the way that older children, teens and adults do. Thus, when overwhelmed they often show dramatic behavior such as what you are describing.
In thinking about what could be going on for this young child, one must also remember that normal development impacts children's behavior. This child's not wanting to speak with her father on the phone may be a way in which she attempts to set boundaries between the homes so as to diminish conflict between the homes and draw boundaries between them. It may also be a developmentally normal way of asserting her independence by saying "no".
I also want to reassure you that custodial problems often have a negative impact on new marriages. It is so often the case that the step-parent is more concerned and angry than the actual parent and that the new marriage has trouble finding its own tracks because of the constant intrusion of issues due to the custodial conflicts. Make sure that you and your husband set aside time each and every day in which the topic of his child is specifically not discussed and in which you focus on your relationship, dreams and hopes. You might even choose to limit the amount of time in any given day that you can discuss your concerns about the child so that it does not take over your home life. Even if the child's mother does not wish to become involved in a counseling process, I would strongly suggest that you consult with a qualified professional in your area who can, after learning more specifics and facts about your situation, give you more specific advice and suggestions and help you to keep your new marriage in a good place.
Best wishes and thank you again for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I am a complete outsider in a very stressful situation my friend is dealing with.... She dated a man and got pregnant...he told her to have an abortion..she didn't...Her son was born May 5, 2000. He is precious. The father ended up cheating on my friend and has a daughter 11 days older than the boy I am referring to. He has stayed with the mother of the daughter. He insisted on proving paternity (yes, the unfaithful one wanted proof)....paternity was proved to 99.9999%. Now, my friend has relocated...got a better paying job, better day care for her son, closer to family...better for her and her son (she has a 9 year old daughter as well). NOW, after nearly a year of no attempts to see the child...he is requesting shared custody. Visitation at the very least. My friend is beside herself. The mother of the daughter with this man will not allow him to come to her home (familiar surroundings for the infant) to visit. Wants to have the child overnight and w/o my friend present. There is obviously animosity toward my friend on the part of the "new" girlfriend of my freind's ex. I am fearful of what this will do to the boy....he is extremely uncomfortable around men....took months to warm up to his own grandpa. Is there some proof that an infant should not be taken from the mother....only parent he's known for nearly a year...any answers you have would be appreciated as I am trying to ease my friend's worry. She is a great mother....she chose to have a baby that this man made very clear he didn't want...how should she deal with the sudden turn around on his part...I realize he has rights and I respect that...but I think he is going to cause harm to this very special child by stepping in so late and wanting so much so soon. He is trying to convince the courts that he has been denied access to the boy....not true...he had addresses and phone numbers and when my friend moved she left a forwarding address and a new number. It was his choice to not have contact ... until now. She has never kept the child's whereabouts secret. What on earth can I do to help my friend get answers to these very difficult questions at a very difficult time....as I said your comments would be much appreciated...
Thank you for your time. .
Dear Concerned Friend:
This is yet another illustration of one of the basic truth's of family court. That truth is that the type of problem you are describing is a personal problem whereas the court system is set up to make legal rulings and decisions. Laws will never solve personal problems. Instead, they will only determine what will and will not happen. Given this, there is no ideal solution for this type of situation that can be brought about by anyone other than the individuals involved. However, because the individuals do not exist in a relationship with one another where there is the kind of trust that allows for problem solving, the situation inevitably ends up before a court of law.
I fear that there is not a whole lot that I or anyone can say right now that will ease your friend's worry to a great degree. However, I can tell you and your friend that children are marvelously resilient and their ability to adapt to changes, even in infancy, is remarkable. In an environment that provides them with love, appropriate care and nurturing, bonds form quickly. It is so important in situations such as this one that the parents do their best to keep their feelings about one separate from their ability to accurately perceive the motives, attributes, skills and abilities of one another.
I wish everyone, especially the young child, the very best. This is a situation that presents the potential for many years of conflict and litigation which is probably, truth be told, the greatest risk for harm to this youngster.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dr. Simon,
I am a 44 year old father of a 2 year old girl. I have had what some would consider a "bad life". I had been trying to get custody of my daughter however recently been told that I will not get custody. I do have access to my daughter however by means of a 2 hour per week visit(supervised) at local Social Service office. I want to know if it is possible for me to build and keep a strong bond and strong attachment to my daughter in a two hour supervised visit in a office setting.?
My daughter is staying in a foster home (her aunt) for all of her young life. I do not get along with them however am greatful that they have raised my daughter. I have been very frustrated and discouraged that i will not be a central figure in my daughters life. How can i keep a bond and strong attachment to her and let her know that her dad loves her and will always be here for her? Regardless of what others may say.
I also know that the fosterparents do not like me and usually bad mouth me in front of her. I would really appreciate your ideas on what i can do. Any information would be helpful or books you can recommend on creating possible rituals or activities that I can develop in our brief visits.
Thank you very much for help in advance.
Dear Dad:
Thanks for your question and it is a truly wonderful one. I can appreciate that your seeing your daughter two hours per week is limiting and not enough to meet your emotional needs. I can also assure you that your keeping these visits consistently and interacting with your daughter enthusiastically during them is crucial to maintaining a bond between the two of you. It has been my experience and that of many other professionals that there is an inherent bond between parent and child even when the parent is totally absent from a child's life. An example of this is a child adopted at birth who, though recognizing and being emotionally bonded to the people who adopted him as his parents, nevertheless feels a psychological bond with the people who are biologically responsible for his being created and born.
I very much like your idea about creating routines and rituals you can use in your brief visits. This brings about a sense of predictability and consistency for your child which, in turn, creates a feeling of trust, safety and closeness. Any ritual or routine that makes sense to you would be a good one so long as it is developmentally appropriate for your daughter. Perhaps you can try to begin each visit by reading her a story or end each visit with some special words or if you are religious you can begin or end with an appropriate prayer.
Whatever has led to your requiring supervision while with your child, it is never appropriate for her foster parents or for anyone else to disparage you or say negative things to her about you. This only harms her and actually disrupts her trust for those other adults. I strongly suggest that if this is taking place and continues to take place that you bring it to the attention of the family courts in your area. Whatever you do, be sure not to fight fire with fire by saying negative things about her step parents to your daughter. Take the high road and deflect.
My own sense is that supervised contact between parent and child is a temporary state of affairs. It is used when supervision is thought to protect the safety of the child but is also used when the parent is participating in various treatments, therapies and educational efforts to give him/her the skills and psychological stability to begin to parent without supervision. I encourage you to comply with any other orders of the Court regarding your participation in parenting classes, psychotherapy and so forth so that ultimately you and your child can have a "normalized" relationship together. Thank you again for writing and best wishes to you and your child.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My seven year old boy is friendly, outgoing, talkative, quick thinking and loves fantasy play. He overwhelmes other kids with the his intensity. He is losing friends. Is there book or internet source you can point me to for tips on helping him tactfully?
Do you have any advice?
Matt G. in VT
Hi Matt:
The same thing that drives your son's outgoing style and rich fantasy life probably makes him less aware of and responsive to the social cues he receives from peers. This is an example of the "knife that cuts two ways." Allow your son to learn from the consequences of his behavior and realize that these learning opportunities are at their height when he is hurt or upset. That is when he will be most motivated to learn about and change his social behavior. As a parent, I also encourage you to stay focused on those aspects of your son's personality and style that are positive and wonderful so that he develops as a young man who is comfortable with himself and confident of who he is. Remember, we all have strengths and weaknesses in our personalities. Thanks for writing, Matt. Best wishes to you and your son.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
I have 2 boys, 9 & 7. The 9 year old, although he loves soccer and baseball, is not the athletic type. He is a smart, sweet, sensitive boy, and has been diagnosed with ADD, and is on medication. My ex and I have been apart for over 4 years now, and have had a nasty hostile relationship because of his controlling and unbearable ways. My oldest son did not want to go see his dad for several months because he was hitting him and calling him a brat, smart aleck, etc., but my hands were tied with the custody agreement. The latest problem is I signed the boys up for wrestling, which they began a few weeks ago. The 7 year old loves it, but, as I suspected, not the 9 year old. From the start, I told my son that it was ok if he didn't like it, and that he didn't have to do it and could stop any time. Well tonight at practice he told me in tears, he wants out. His father was also there, and he told me and my son too bad, he's not quitting. In front of both the boys, he told me to stop babying him, asked when will I let him grow-up, and how is he supposed to get tough. He said that he's gonna get hurt and that's too bad. He said all this while my son was in tears, afraid to tell his father that he quits (he asked me to tell his dad, which is what triggered his outbursts at me).
I have already decided that I'm pulling him out regardless of what his father says.. I'm doing what my son wants (1st tournament is this coming weekend, so the season has just begun... I signed them up, and paid for both the boys). Should a child be forced to stay with a sport because, "he's not going to be a quitter"??? I also don't understand where he is coming from by trying to force him to do something he really does not like, and would like to know more about the effects these ordeals are having on my son(s). It's been a very grueling 7 years dealing with him, and both kids have felt the aggrivation and frustration. There is a 2nd custody order pending with the judge, but I don't think this man is thinking of the children at all.
Dear Frustrated Mom:
Keeping a child involved in an activity that they do not wish to remain involved in is always a judgment call that parents have to make. Even parents with happy successful marriages can disagree about whether a child should be required to remain in an activity that they do not like. Your job is to assess you reasons for signing the child into the activity, what you think the benefits are, whether you believe that the potential benefits are worth the arguments with the child.
Your situation is one in which you and your child's father not only differ in your assessment of what is best for your son, you also appear to have a poor co-parenting relationship with him. This makes it all the more important that you make your own decision and that you not argue about this decision with your children's father if he chooses to argue. Obviously, during his parenting time he will make decisions that he believes are correct and you will have to stand by and support this without arguing with him about what he decides. When your children's father berates you or is verbally inappropriate towards you in their presence, I strongly suggest that you simply turn your back and walk away. This shows the children that you will not be a part of conflict in their presence, it sets limits with their father and provides your children with an alternative model for problem solving. If you strongly feel that your children's father treatment of them is that inappropriate, I suggest that you consult with a qualified family law attorney in your area to discuss what, if anything, can be done to in the legal arena to protect the children. Clearly, from what you have described, your sons will benefit from some therapy as well so that they can have a place of their own to deal with their stresses and concerns and so that a supportive third party can help them become more assertive and assist them with building coping skills. Situations such as the one you describe are frustrating and they do create problems for all involved, especially the children. Unfortunately, the legal system is not one that provides comprehensive solutions to these problems. This is because the legal system can not and never will be able to solve personal problems. Try and accept this reality so that you can find ways to deflect away from battles that do not need to be fought. This will give you more energy, time and resources to nurture and raise your son. Best wishes to you and thank you for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I am a single mother of a sixteen year old son. I was 17 when I gave birth to him. He has not always lived with me. He has spent a few year in Arizona with my father and step mother. He has also spent a year with his father and stepmother in Florida. The reason I sent him away was I thought he needed some male guidance because he was disrespecting me, getting in trouble at school poor grades.
My son is back living with me in Indiana because all attempts failed in Arizona and Florida. He has been home 3 months and his grades consist of D's and F's. He disrespects me, I tell him he is grounded and he says "No, I am not" and proceeds out the door. I know he is smoking cigarettes and marijuana. I also know of an incident where he was consuming alcohol. He hides his friends from me. He lies and steals from me. My son as no ambitions in life. I see his life going no where. I see no desire in him. I have gone on line, to the police station etc. to seek help for him in my location(Indiana). And no one seems to be able to help unless he has committed a felony.
Tonight I asked my son to sit down so we could discuss his attitude and grades and we broke out in a fight. He pushed me down and bent my fingers back. I have read so many help books on understanding teens. But what is a mother to do if she can not apply what she is reading about. I am not even sure if it will work. Especially when he will not give me any opportunity.
Dear single Mom:
With your son having pushed you down to the ground and bent your fingers back, you may now have cause for legal intervention. However, it sounds like what you and your son really need is intensive psychological intervention. If you have not done so, please consult a qualified adolescent psychologist or psychiatrist in your area to discuss treatment options for your son. I would not be surprised to find out that your son has a serious alcohol and/or drug problem as well. Also talk about parent-child issues and parenting skills. I say this because whenever you find an out of control adolescent, you also find a parent who needs help and support with their parenting skills. Qualified mental health professionals in your area will have the skills to develop an understanding of what is going on and they should also know the resources in your area that can provide you with some help.
Best wishes and thank you for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I am writing in hope that you can help me. My husband and I both got married young. We have been married for 19months and things are going great. We are both in our early 20's. We are also both working fulltime and going to school to get our degrees. The reason that I am writing is because we are both saving up to buy a house for next year. Yet recently we have been discussing starting a family. We both really love children yet we would really like to get a professionals opinion. We both know that having children is a forever decision. Yet this doesnt intimidate neither one of us. Our concern is finishing school and buying our house. Please tell me what you suggest. Thank you kindly.
Dear Parent To Be:
You are absolutely right - having a child is a forever decision. The best time to have a child is when you feel truly ready to have one. It makes sense to be in a place in life where you can give as much focus to the children as possible - no doubt working and going to school makes this a lot harder. My own sense is that having a house is nice but I don't think that one has to have purchased a home to provide a child with an appropriate environment. But if you and your husband will feel measurably better about becoming parents after you have purchased a home, then this is what you should do. It's a highly individual decision. Just make it your own way and in your own time. I only hope that you find as much love and satisfaction in being a parent as I do!
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dr. Simon,
I don't know if this is more of a legal question but if you have any idea it would help. I live in the Washington D.C. area (Maryland) and have a 6 year old daughter. My ex has physical custody and my daughter is with me on every other weekend. I am currently living with my parents and looking for an apartment. I have been on a waiting list for 1 1/2 years (housing is very hard to find here) for a two bedroom apartment and I can't wait too much longer. I could find a one bedroom unit within 3-6 months and therein lies my question. My daughter is very important to me and if we had a single bedroom apartment the bedroom would be exclusively hers (I would sleep on a sofabed in the living room). This room would be completely decorated for a child with children's furniture which I picked out a long time ago. I don't know whether the law in Maryland permits this type of arrangement. It seems unfair to me that I have to provide the same for my daughter while 60% of my net income goes to child support. Housing is available further away (30-40 miles) but would make visitation impossible.
Thank you,
Peter
Dear Peter:
Thank you for writing and for your question. You are correct in that the way you pose your question, you are asking for a legal opinion which I cannot offer. What I can tell you is that there certainly are many many parents who for any number of reasons cannot afford to rent or buy a multi-bedroom apartment or residence. There is nothing about this, per se, that makes this parent less capable or appropriate than a parent who can afford multi-bedroom housing. What does matter are the many aspects of the quality of parenting. One of these aspects is respect for the child's boundaries. This is something that you appear to have in mind in what you are proposing. Competent custody psychologists know that good parents and loving parents come from all socioeconomic strata. I wish you and your daughter the very best.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr Simon:
I am a 35 year old single mother of a 17 year old boy. He was a really good kid up until this past summer. Has been arrested for minor drinking 2 times and spent a few days is jail. Now he has an older girlfriend whom he assumes can spend the night whenever he feels like it. I would like some real good advice on how to not only stop this behavior, but make him realize that this is disrespectful.
He is also drinking every weekend and staying up all night at friends and then coming into our home with his girlfriend anywhere from 3am to 5am. I do not kick these kids out because I am afraid of them being in an accident. Please help
Thanks worried mom
Dear Worried Mom:
OK, here goes one of the most difficult lessons of parenting. So often, children with no respect have parents who have not taught them how to be respectful and who do not demand respect. You have a child who is too old for you to control and who is too old for you to make him do things. He's nearly a legal adult. And, as if often the case with acting out adolescents, you feel disempowered to do very much by the fear that you have for his well being. This fear is not your friend or his friend. Instead, it works against doing what is best and works against doing what you can do. Your job, mom, is to set limits and to be clear about consequences. If limits are not respected, you must apply the consequences and they should be rather intense. For example, if your acting out son breaks the law, let the police intervene and allow the justice system to get involved. Set limits about how he can and cannot behave in your home and if he is out past when he is told to be home, lock the doors and don't let him in. Let him see that your limits and words matter. This, mom, is your job and duty at this point in your son's life. Letting fear paralyze you is harmful for him and for you. Be courageous and go for it.
Thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon,
I have left my abusive husband of 30yrs. We have four older children, 3 daughters, 28,25,&17yrs. Our son is 23yrs. I could not have any friends because he would drive them away. I made the choice to stay with him, even though he psycologically, verbally, and physically abused me. I have attempted to leave him on several occasions, but he would always threaten me by saying, "I tell everyone you abuse your children." Finally, on he physically abused me for the last time. One of my co-workers, a Nun who teaches at the school I taught at look at me and saw that something was wrong. I finally broke down in tears and told her what had happen and what had been going on all this time. She encouraged me and gave me strength to go and have a restraining order put on my husband. Well the whole thing back fired and he had a restraining order put on me. My 180lb.husband told the majestrate I had attacked him. My husband continued by telling the court that I was a child abuser. He also had the support of my older children. On two separate occasions my son and two of my daughters threatened me by saying that they were going to testify that I abused them, and that my husband was going to get me good! My husband had a saying, "Wait until the person forgets about you, and then get even!" I have since left the state of Massuchusetts for my own safety. I feel like my heart has been torn out by my children. My husband of 30yrs. been controlling me through my children and now that I have left him, he is punishing me because I left. What can I do to bring my children back? I Love my children so much. How could my husband be so cruel and selfish and turn our children against me?
Thank you for listening............
Dear Courageous Wife:
The subject of domestic violence and its impact on families, specifically on child custody issues, has become one of the more discussed topics by psychologists, legal officials and custody professionals. One thing that is very clear is that the abused spouse is not the only victim. The children, even when they are not directly victimized themselves, are subject to intense psychological pressures and stresses that can result in their identifying with the abuser. Denial is very common amongst all family members where domestic violence is present and just because one family member chooses to break through the denial and tell the truth does not mean that other family members are ready to do the same. In fact, the person who chooses to break the code of secrecy is often punished by those choosing to maintain the code of secrecy. So while what you are experiencing is horribly painful and unfair, rest assured that you are not alone in your experience and suffering.
This is a time in your life where your job is to focus on yourself and your own healing rather than focusing on your grown children and bringing them back. If they were young children, you would have to act to protect them but at their age, you can no longer do this. Unfortunately, you can't control what they do or how they feel. You can control how you feel and your recovery. You can also trust that your breaking through the secret will very probably set in place a process which will allow some of the members of your family to come to the truth too. This can take time but you need to know that you have made an impact. I would strongly encourage you to find a therapist and a support group in your area for women who are victims of domestic violence. There is solace in knowing that you are not alone and that you are not isolated. There is strength to be found in the solidarity you will find in bonding with others who have walked and are walking your courageous path. Best wishes, thank you for writing and please stay in touch and let us know what is going on.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon
Hello I am writing in hopes of some help and opinions! I have been divorced for 4 yrs...we have a son together who will be 8. I am remarried now. My ex husbnd told me last night that our son has been asking him if he can move in with him but, he kept putting it off because he (my ex) didn't want to hurt me. I have always been very willing to let him have our son whenever he wants because I feel he needs us both and he was a lousy husband but he is a great dad. I have a 10 yr old, a 3 yr old and a 1 yr old. My 2 boys have not been separated before. Part of me wants to say yes because this is something my son wants but part of me wants to say no because i have always had him in my life. My 10 yr old and him fight all the time ....almost to the point where they hate each other which is a long story...basically a compititon things...anyway I am in hope of some answers. My ex has a girl but they fight a lot and i don't want to see my son hurt too.... I am very confused and i have probably have left things out but I am at a dead end and I want to do what is best for my son. I know he will be good to him but then I think he has his brother and two sisters here!!!!! please help me!
Thank You,
Someone in Indiana
Dear Mom in Indiana:
It is always wonderful to hear that some parents listen to their children and to what their children say that want and need rather than first worrying about themselves and their emotions about their former spouse. It sounds like you and your son's father are both wonderful and loving parents. The decision you are contemplating is a complex one and while your son's input is important, he certainly is not old enough to make the decision himself or fully understand the implications of it. There are surely overlapping reasons he is thinking about moving to his father's home. This is a situation where you and your child's dad need to sit down with a child psychologist and discuss the various aspects of the decision and have your son meet with the psychologist too. The psychologist can help you trace out the overlapping aspects of your son's feelings. This will help you make a more informed decision. Thanks for writing and best wishes to all of you!
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon,
I am concerned about a friend of mine who is planning to have children. She was raised in Russia with the old ways of "children should be seen and not heard". She and I correspond VIA email and I will copy and paste her response to me about praise and positive reinforcement. If you could give me your views, I would really appreciate it. My feeling is that the messages a child might receive from such ways, border on abusive and would very definitely set the stage for low self esteem. Sincerely Leslie THE EMAIL:
I praise my mother's philosophy on child rearing. Here are some of the points that she brought across: 1) I have too much faith in you to praise every little thing you do 2) You must learn the practical and moral value of doing well other than "to make Mommy proud" 3) I want to treat you as an adult 4) You are more developed than other children 5) The rest of the world doesn't think that you're the cutest thing that ever walked the earth. Get used to it. People expect you to be clean and polite 6) Your other grandma Natalie praises you because she only sees you 3 weeks out of the year. She doesn't care about your discipline, because she doesn't live with you and deal with you on daily basis. She wants to get her grand-maternal ya-yas out.
Those should cover the main grounds. The bottom line is, I come from a culture where hugs, kisses, constant "I love yous" and praise weren't given away right and left. It just wasn't "appropriate". "Love" is a much more sacred and exclusive word reserved for marriage proposals.
If my mother started praising me out of the blue, I would feel insulted. I would feel like she was surprised that I am actually capable of making my own bed. Where I come from chores aren't even a question. You get up, you make your bed, your brush your teeth, you go off to school. End of story. Nobody gives a pig's fart if you wanna stay in or "don't feel like going to school". The economy of the country is already disfunctional enough. No reason to contribute to overall chaos by being lazy and mushy :-)
That's my mentality, and I won't give it up. Russian families are much more functional, because kids know their place and have to grow up much, much faster than American kids. Many have a profession by the age of 16, while in America you can only start working legally at a coffee shop at the age of 16. See the difference? No kid of mine is gonna be a whining sissy.
Dear Leslie:
I think that your letter and correspondence with this parent from Russia serves to highlight the impact of cultural differences and how they influence child rearing and family life. As a parent from Western culture, the views represented by your friend from Russia are experienced by you as inappropriate. I suggest that all of us who read this see it for what it represents - a difference in cultural values and not a representation of right versus wrong per se. Perhaps it is best to learn from such differences and find ways to enrich one's own approach to parenting rather than allow cultural differences to create polarization. Thanks for writing and for giving all of us a chance to learn.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
My husband and I have been married for 2 years. This is a second marriage for both of us. He has 3 kids from previous marriage and I have none. Kids are 15, 14, and 10 and live with their mother close by. We have an arranged schedule to see them about once a week/and every other weekend, The ex has also remarried. Everything is amicable between all of us. I get along with the kids very well, and are they are excellent students in school. My husband is a very busy executive, but strives to spend as much possible time with his kids. His kids love him and accept him, and he and his ex have instilled a good value system already evident in the children's actions.
My problem is that I am extremely irritated by his kids eating habits, table manners, and lack of personal hygiene. The kids eating habits are horrendous. They are huge overeaters and two out of the three of them are pretty overweight. I have started to step in when they visit us and for example, when we go out to dinner, interrupt the menu order process when the kids order too much, or physically remove the bread basket to the other side of the table so they stop eating everything. Often when the kids come to visit they look and smell like they have not bathed. The teenage girl won't comb or dry her long hair so she ends up with this pony tail that is a rat's nest. They don't touch their toothbrush and it is totally grossing me out. There are other gross examples I won't go in to!!!
My husband tries to correct bad habits, and set good examples, but I perceive that sometimes he just lets things pass because he doesn't see them as often as he likes and doesn't want just nag and nag. My husband has excellent personal hygiene, but I'm not sure what goes on at their mom's. I have brought up my frustration with the kids habits before and my husband is really defensive. Further, when I tell the kids to brush their teeth, or comb their hair, they tend get irritated with me as I do not really play a disciplinary role in the family as the step mother.
What can I do to clean up the kids act?
Thanks- Stepmom
Dear Stepmom:
Thank you so much for writing. It isn't hard to understand your feelings about the lack of hygiene in your husband's children. It sound as if you care a great deal about these kids and that you simply find the situation distasteful.
It is fortunate that all of the adults in this situation get along well and respect one another. Given this, I'm wondering if you have said anything to the children's mother about your observations? This could be difficult, of course, particularly if you present it in a judgmental or blaming fashion so be careful not to do this if you choose to speak with her. Instead, choose a concerned and supportive approach.
But, to be honest, I am not sure that it is your position to say or do anything directly with the children such as taking the bread basket away or re-directing what they order when you eat out. This is their father's responsibility. Yes, he may be defensive when you speak with him but that is actually what you need to do and keep doing. You haven't the authority to direct his children's behavior as I think you realize. Knowing your appropriate role and boundaries with the children is one of the most important parts of being a step parent. However, it would be appropriate, for example, for you to tell one of the children that their breath is offensive and that if they don't brush their teeth before going to school that you worry that other kids may tease them or talk about them. This gives them information and suggests that they do something without giving them a clear directive.
Thank you for writing and most of all for your support, love and concern for these children. They are fortunate to have four adults in their lives who are on their team.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I need help. My 6 year old son doesnt want to go to school. He went last year fine. Then over the summer I noticed he was getting very clingy to me. This year he went the first day, and cried everyday after that. This breaks my heart and I have brought him home almost everyday. Out of 13, 6 hour days, hes been there a total of about 7 hours. Tomorrow, my husband is taking him, my heart is breaking already. I have even considered home schooling, but I have two other boys, 11 and 14, who would want that too. I dont want to homeschool, I need my time away from them too. I am having very bad anxieties over all this. I have panic attack disorder, which I am on Prozac for, and doing well. This is making me feel very anxious again. I dont want to become panicky again. I need to know that he's going to adjust to school again. I need to know that hes not going to cry all day. My heart breaks for him, please tell me anything you can about this. I need help!
Thanks, Janine
Hello Janine:
My guess is that your son is probably reacting to your anxiety and panic in a reciprocal fashion. By being home with you, he probably realizes that you feel better and less anxious/panicky. This is not an uncommon thing, particularly for the youngest child in a family. However, I strongly suggest that you send him to school and require that he stay there. Reassure him that you are fine, that you want him to go to school and to have a good day. I also suggest that you consult with a qualified child psychologist in your area to have the situation more fully assessed if it does not diminish in the very near future. Do be aware also that anxiety and panic disorders so run in families. Thus, it is possible that he, like you, may benefit from medication if his symptoms do not go away with behavioral/psychotherapeutic intervention.
Thank you for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
HELLO DOC!
IM A SINGLE FATHER OF TWO CHILDREN, (GIRL 6 AND BOY 3) WE HAVE JUST SPLITT UP AND I NEED YOUR ADVICE. I LOVE MY CHILDREN, THEY ARE MI LIFE AND I WANT TO BE VERY MUCH A PART OF THEIR LIFE AS I CAN. COULD YOU EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT THE DIFFERENCE OF PARTIAL CUSTODY AND VISITATIONAL RIGHTS ARE? I AM THINKING OF GOING FOR PARTIAL CUSTODY BUT, IF IS SOMETHING THAT WILL PUT MY KIDS TRHU SUFFERING OR EXAMINATION I RATHER NOT. DO THEY ALWAYS HAVE TO GO THRU EXAMINATION OR EXACTLY WHAT IS THE PROCEEDURE? HOPE YOU CAN HELP ME I REALLY WANT THE BEST FOR MY LITTLE ONES THANK YOU
Hello,
Please remember that I am not an attorney and therefore cannot respond to questions that ask for legal distinctions as accurately as an attorney can. However, it sounds like you may be asking about the difference between "legal" and "physical" custody. Legal custody means that you have parental rights and can do things such as consent for medical treatment, have access to your children's educational records and that you have the right to have input into decisions about these areas of their lives. It means that you are, legally, a part of the decision making process for their lives. Physical custody is often used to refer to whether your home is considered a residence for the children or not. It is not at all uncommon for parents to share both legal and physical custody. In San Diego, where I live, this is the typical custodial outcome of divorce even when the time share for the children is not exactly equal.
Best wishes and thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
To make a long story short, I've been involed with someone for 10 years, in that 10 years he had a son by another woman and married that woman to give that child his name. They have been divorced since Feb. 20, 2000. The father, with whom I'm involved with moved into his own apartment after the divorce, which devastated me because I thought it was finally my turn to have this person in my life fultime. He told me that he attended parenting classes that said not to introduce children to new partners for atleast a year. I've yet to meet this child, who is 6 years old and hope that when his apartment lease is up, that he moves in with me (he says we will be together but I keep bringing this converstation up of him moving in, and it's causing alot of fights) I pray that he is planning on moving in but my concern is when do I get to meet the child. I need more info on what that teach in these classes about this subject. Will he just walk into my house and then introduce me, how do I handle this situation without interfering in his realationship with his son. I love this person with all my heart but I am so frustrated that I keep nagging and feel that I am pushing him farther away.
Thanks,
40 years old and confused
Dear Confused 40 year old,
I do not know of any hard and fast rule about introducing boyfriends/girlfriends to children in the context of divorce. Certainly, one wants to wait until it is clear that the relationship is a meaningful one and there is a very real potential for it being an enduring one. From the history of your relationship that you provide, it sounds as if your boyfriend may not yet be sure that he wants to make a commitment to a relationship at this time. If/when you do meet his son, please remember that you are a stranger to the child and he to you, despite your long-standing bond to his father. No doubt you feel warmth and/or love towards the child because you love his father. However, your role in the life of the child, at first, is that of his father's girlfriend and his friend. Do not step into the role of a parental adult and do not attempt to assume that you can guide/direct the child at first. This is a role that you have to earn. Let the child set the pace for the relationship and be aware of the signals that he sends about his feelings and what feels good for him.
On another note, I am concerned that your feelings for this man may be unrealistic. He has given you signals throughout your relationship with him that his commitment is elsewhere. He met and married someone else while the two of your were supposedly together and now that he is single again, it does not sound that he is yearning to establish a committed relationship with you. I think you need to look carefully inside yourself and ask yourself if your neediness is clouding your perception of what is going on between you and this man. And yes, you probably are pushing him away with your neediness since it seems clear that he does not feel the same level of need or desire or readiness to enter into a committed relationship with you at this time.
Thank you for writing and best wishes to you.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Hello Dr. Simon:
My divorce was not easy,my ex-husband tried many different ways to make me look like an unfit mother. Needless to say it didnt work well. All through the court battle he harassed me either through the court system or through other ways. I did get a restraining order which he is now on probation for violating. In July of this year I remarried,now my ex is constantly trying to make my new marriage fail.I let him have physical custody of our 2 youngest children because they wanted to be with dad. I have our oldest daughter. Visitaion was set up through the courts. To make a long story short...my new husband has just been accused of assault&battery on my youngest daughter(age 11) he hasn't hurt her in any way. My ex can't bother me as much anymore so now he's starting to try and destroy my new marriage by using the kids. This is all very hard to deal with I love both my kids and my new husband.Y et my ex is making it very hard to just go on with my life. He's abusing the court system and mentally abusing my children,I've tried talking to people in various places and yet I get no help. Why? Haven't any of these people ever heard of PAS?? Parental Alienation Syndrome....Its the perfect definition of whats happening to me. Thank you for listening, Lori G.
Hi Lori:
This sure sounds like a mess. Your letter reminds me of one of the truths of family law and family court...that truth being that people end up in family court because they have personal problems and legal problems per se and that there is no court or body of law that can solve or force people to work through their personal problems. Family Court can order what will happen and what people will/don't do. They can never order people to function in a more mature or appropriate psychological fashion. Your frustration is one that many parents have - that being that your problems are not problems that there are good "legal" solutions for. From what you have stated, the Parental Alienation Syndrome may not actually capture what is taking place here since from what you say your former husband's actions are aimed at you more than at the children. If you feel that the legal arena does not offer you good solutions at this time, I strongly suggest that you consult with a qualified child/family psychologist in your area and get your children involved in therapy as well. This will give them a forum to sort out what they are experiencing and give them the opportunity to develop the skills to distance themselves from the adult issues that are swirling around them.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
I have been involved with my step-daughter since she was 18 months old. She will be 12 soon. For 6 years, my husband and his ex-wife shared 50/50 custody. The ex-wife married and moved 300 miles away. My husband and I currently see my step-daughter every other weekend and all school breaks (holidays, in-service, conferences, etc.), as well as all summer long with her mother having access one weekend each month during the summer.
My question is this: What could be the reprecussions to my 12 year old step-daughter (psychologically) if her mother continues to "need" her so much. My step-daughter had left an E-mail from her mother on-line at my computer (which I read, I know--I shouldn't have) which was terrifically disturbing to me. The mother wrote that "it was so quiet in the house with her gone" the mother had actually "ran through the house calling" my step-daughter's name as well as telling my step-daughter that she was her "baby, her everything and she couldn't live without her." She even went so far to say that her husband (she remarried "John" and adopted a baby boy "Clay" last year) and son were "okay and fun...but" my step-daughter was her every breath.
I'm worried about what kind of responsibility this places on my 12-year old stepdaughter? How can she possibly become independent against that kind of love. My husband's ex has been called "enmeshed" with my step-daughter.
As I write this I am reminded of my step-daughter's Encopresis she experiences for about 7 years (she's fine the past year and 1/2).
Any ideas? Thank you in advance
Dear Worried Step-Mom:
I certainly can understand your concern - indeed your concern sounds well placed. For a child to be "every breath" to a parent absolutely places undue stress upon the child and makes it more difficult for a child, as he/she grows, to define their own individuality. There are many experts, myself included amongst them, who feel that this kind of enmeshment is a form of emotional abuse of the child. Unfortunately, it is a dynamic and an "abuse" that the family courts do not readily recognize or tend to take action about. And, believe it or not, it is a parent-child dynamic that takes place in many households whether the family is intact or there has been a divorce.
You ask if your stepdaughter can become independent in light of this dynamic. The answer is that she can although she faces added emotional challenges in doing so. Please recognize that no matter what goes on in her mother's home that you and her father show her and provide her with an alternative way of seeing herself and experiencing herself. You provide her with an environment in which her independence and individuality are nurtured and encouraged. This will not be lost on the child and it will impact her. When appropriate, you can empathize with her struggles and point out how she can make choices about who she is and how she sees life. If you have not done so, I strongly suggest that you get her into therapy so that she can work with a professional on her struggles to define herself and establish her own individuality.
With respect to the e-mail you saw, I would be very careful about telling your stepdaughter's mother that you saw the e-mail. I say this because it is possible that your stepdaughter will face repercussions for having been careless with the e-mail. However, perhaps your husband can discuss with his former wife some general observations and concerns with regard to the development of the child in light of having spent much of the time together. This can be couched as a general coparenting discussion. During the discussion, each parent can comment on the plusses/minuses of their relationship with the child and about their observations of the other parent.
Thank you once again for writing. I wish you and your family the very best.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
MY SON WHO LOVES IN THE STATE OF SOUTH CAROLINA HAS RECENTLY DIVORCED. HE WAS GRANTED
SUPERVISED VISITATION AT MY GRANDSONS PRESCHOOL ONLY. NO MEDITATION WAS GRANTED BECAUSE OF
A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CHARGE. WE ARE COPING WITH THIS ISSUE. AND MY SON IS VISITING HIS SON
AT SAID PRESCHOOL. WHEN MY GRANDSON ASKS WHY HIS FATHER CANNOT SEE HIM OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL,
WE HAVE STATED THAT DAD MAKE A MISTAKE AND MOM FEELS UNCOMFORTABLE AND UNSAFE RIGHT NOW
AND SO MOM WILL NOT ALLOW VISITS OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL AND THAT IN TIME MAYBE THINGS WILL
CHANGE IF DAD DOESNT MAKE ANYMORE MISTAKES. THE PROBLEM IS THAT MY DAUGHTER IN LAW TAKES
OFFENSE THAT SHE MADE THIS DECISION, SHE TELLS THE CHILD THAT THE JUDGE DECIDED. SHE
DOESNT WANT HER NAME MENTIONED IN THE DECISION AT ALL. CAN YOU SUGGEST ANOTHER WAY OF
ANSWERING HIS QUESTIONS THAT WOULD KEEP BOTH PARENTS FROM PLACING BLAME ON THE OTHER. WE
LOVE MY GRANDSON AND WANT HIM TO BE RAISED WITH THE ASSURANCE THAT ALL LOVE HIM BEACAUSE
HE IS SO SPECIAL. THE PARENTS ARE SO ANGY WITH EACH OTHER THAT IT IS HARD TO GET EITHER
ONE TO CALM DOWN AND BE RESPONSIABLE PARENTS EVEN THOUGH THEIR MARRIAGE IS OVER. ANY
SUGGESTIONS WOULD BE HELPFUL.
CONCERNED GRANDMOTHER
Dear Concerned Grandmother:
Thank you so much for writing. You ask an excellent question in that it is everyone's desire to try and avoid involving the child in the blaming that goes back and forth between the parents. Perhaps your son can simply tell his son that he made a mistake and is getting help for his mistake. You can add that while he is getting this help, it is best that things stay the way that they are. I think you can also tell your son that while the judge is the person that ultimately decided that visitation should be supervised right now that he made this decision upon request of the mother. I don't think that this is blaming the mother per se but is, instead, simply giving the child basic facts so that he can better understand why things are going on in his life the way that they are. I want to emphasize, however, that your son needs to acknowledge, in an appropriate manner,that he did take certain actions that resulted in the imposition of supervision - he needs to own what he did. This will also help your grandson.
Best wishes and thank you again for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon,
I have been divorced for two years. My ex-wife is getting married in two weeks and I have not even met her new husband to be. This is the second time she has been engaged since the divorce. The first guy turned out to be violent, but she didn't find this out until about a month before they were supposed to get married. I have custodial care of our kids, a son 14, a son 17, and a daughter 19. I'd like to at least know a little about this guy before I leave my kids in his care. Do I have a right to this? How do I convince my wife to let me meet him? Is there any way I can do a background check on him since she is unwilling to talk about him?
Joe
Dear Joe:
I can certainly understand your desire to meet your former wife's new husband. However, because I am not an attorney and because I do not know the laws in the area you live in, I cannot answer the specific questions you are asking. It would be best that you consult a qualified and experienced family law attorney in your area. By the way, I would guess that your 19 year old child is outside the jurisdiction of the family courts and therefore is not subject to any orders.
Insofar as "convincing" your former wife to allow you to meet this man, I think you first need to ask your children how they feel, what they want and what their needs are. They certainly are old enough to give you this information. Further, given their ages, I would imagine that are old enough to tell their mother how they feel and to do their own talking. Being a parent to teenagers is very much about helping the child become his/her own advocate in the world rather than doing the advocacy for them in life. I think you want to explore this approach before you do anything else.
Best wishes to you, Joe. Thank you once again for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr Simon:
My wife and I are separated. We have been separated twice.This last time has been a for almost three months.We are going to file for divorce but haven't yet.This is her decision not mine.My problem is I would like to know more about what and where she takes are 4 year old son.When I call her or ask where their going she says it's none of my business or she wont answer the phone.I have visitation half the week split up and every other weekend.She has been dating someone for 2 months know.She is also bringing my son around this man who I never even met.My son and I are very very close.And I don't feel like my wife should be spending time with my son and her new boyfriend together yet.I don't think my son should be confused in this way at such a early age unless she has a serious relationship.My son is very devastated by my absence. When he's with me he does not want to go back home to mom.When I ask her to not subject him to this she tells me it's to bad and hangs up the phone.I cant see her relationship being serious in such a short time.I to am dating someone and would not do this to my son. I feel that if she' wants to spend time with her boyfriend then it should be done when he's with Mme. I wrong or is she wrong I don't know?
Thank you
TjB
Dear TjB
Thank you for writing. Your letter reminds me of how difficult divorce is and how the reality of divorce turns everything upside down and everyone on their heads.
My advise to you in this situation is rather simple and straightforward. What is best for you in this situation is to recognize that there are presently and will continue to be many things about your wife's life that you are no longer a part of, have no input into and cannot control. The more you come to terms with this, the more you will avoid the type of conflict that escalates out of control. This is so important because it is the conflict between you and your wife that presents the greatest risk to your child.
Think carefully about what you can and what you cannot do something about. Focus on what you can do something about and accept what you cannot do something about. The more you able to focus on this and accept this, the sooner you will begin to feel better about your life and the sooner you will recover from the pain and trauma of divorce. Understand that unless there there are health and safety concerns present, the legal system tends to leave parenting decisions up to parents and does not intervene and order a parent to stop doing something.
Best wishes and thank you again for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Sometimes I think I have the most dysfunctional Family, I am even hesitant to ask for advice, but here goes. What makes a son from an affluent family become dirty in his personal habits (he smells, does not wash, does not believe in using deodorant or chemicals on his body, does not brush his teeth, and rarely washes or changes clothes). He has been in school forever, and has never worked until now. He is 30 yrs old, and recently got his new girlfriend pregnant. They have kept the baby and it is due next month. He begins his first job ever in July as an elementary teacher. She is presently walking around big as a house wearing no underwear, with hair under her arms, looking very dirty. Their soul interest in life is vegan eating, drum circles, radical marches. The baby will be born at a birthing center, there is no insurance. I am so worried. I am fighting with my husband over this boy for years now, he insists on continually helping him financially and allowing him to "shock" me with his lifestyle and bizarre way of living. The 2 of them think they are in this new decision alone, however, there is no money for baby things, equipment and the new dwelling being set up. There is no furniture even...just a futon they sleep on, on the floor. We are retired and I am disabled.
At this point I don't know where to turn. I am embarrassed to outright tell my son what I think of him, so today I did 4 laundry loads to clean him up for the week. I gave them a baby shower so they have things for the baby...and my husband is paying to fix the new jeep we bought him 2 yrs ago that he has run to the ground, to be safe for the baby. He is also planning to give them money for furniture. The kids have agreed that their 2 filthy dogs have to go for the baby's sake. When they come to dinner here, they don't even wash or change their clothes. I wait for my husband to say something...but he is now 63 and seems weak in his parenting. I guess my questions are: Do I tell all this to my son and risk alienating him forever? I love him but I don't particularly like him. Hints about personal hygiene have not worked. Let it continue and hope for a change no that he has his first job? Give my husband an ultimatum? Consider that my son may be ill? Leave all of them? I have been so unhappy for years now. Our constant example (they say kids learn by it) have not worked. We have worked hard, have a pretty, immaculate home and sent the kids to the best schools always. We have been concerned involved parents. We have recently moved to the town where they live because my husband said they need help (I have a daughter not doing well too). When do I call it quits, when do I have a life without these conflicts? I am too embarrassed to tell Family or friends. I know that some of these problems are common place but the appalling state of this boy and the girlfriend...and probably the baby too, I cannot accept. I only hope he can keep this first job, if he doesn't lose it because of poor hygiene. I am sorry to ramble on, sleepless night again. If you could send a reply, something I could show my husband that we could work on together. maybe there would not be anymore fighting about our son. I think that possibly we need a neutral person to tell us where we are making our mistakes here. I am too tired to do it alone. I thank you in advance for your insight.
W.D.
Dear W.D.
I am responding to this question because I am sure that there are other parents in your situation and it is helpful for everyone to know that they are not alone. Please understand that I cannot respond to the specifics of your situation because it is far too complex to respond to in this forum and because there are many things I would want to know more about before giving you specific answers.
However, my general thoughts are that it sounds possible that your son may have an undiagnosed and untreated psychiatric disorder. As I parent, I would want to encourage my son towards getting himself evaluated. Were it not for the fact that there is a child here, I would advise parents in similar situations to try and steer their adult child towards professional help, be clear on the limits of what you are willing to do to help your son on a day-to-day basis and back off. With a child in the situation, your worries are heightened, of course. In such situations, I think it is usually a good idea to point out your fears to your son and tell him what you will and won't do in view of the situation. Ultimately, if the child's health and safety seems to be compromised, I would advise that one alert the local child protective services agency and allow them to assess and, if necessary, intervene.
These are never easy or pleasant situations and I have never seen one that resolves in a simple or easy way. Finally, I strongly suggest that you and your husband consult with a mental health professional in your area to discuss your concerns and problem solve strategies that are specific for your situation. If nothing else, you two need support and to be sure that you don't allow the problems with your son to drive a wedge between the two of you.
Best wishes...and thank you for writing!
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon
My son consented to supervised visitation only. He lives in South Carolina. The visitation is to take place at the preschool where my grandson attends. No direct guidelines were set by the court. My ex-daughter in law has said that she gets to set all guidelines pertaining to how often and how long and what time of day.( Is this so.) My son has a domestic violence charge against him which was filed approximatley six months ago by my former daughter-in law. No harm has ever been done physcially against my grandson. My son has been told that this decision about supervised visitation can be addressed again at a later late if no futher incidents take place. He is trying to prove that he is a loving and caring father, but wants to be free of the harrassment of his ex-wife. Can he establish the guidelines with the daycare center or is it her right as custodian of the child.
Worried Grandmother
Dear Worried Grandmother:
You are asking a legal question and one that is specific to the state/city that your son lives in. I am not qualified to answer that question. However, it is my experience that typically the courts set the parameters of supervised visitation so that it cannot be used manipulatively by the custodial parent against the non-custodial parent. I would suggest that you have your son contact a qualified family law specialist in your area to discover what your local rules and procedures are.
With regard to the issue of domestic violence, research increasingly shows that even when a parent, who has been violent towards the other parent, is not violent towards the child/children, he is nevertheless a risk to the children. The personality dynamics present in individuals who perpetrate unilateral violence against their child's other parent often run counter to the dynamics and traits one wishes to see in a truly empathic and compassionate parent. Therefore, many localities are adopting procedures that place restrictions on a parent's time with children if that parent has been violent towards the child's other parent but not towards the child. I cannot emphasize enough how harmful domestic violence is to children.
Thank you for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My husband and I are the parents of a beautiful 6 month old girl. We are having problems in our marriage because I am having trouble teaching her to sleep through the night by herself. I started sleeping with her because I was breastfeeding and it was just easier for me. I love it! I am a working mom who only gets to spend about 3 1/2 waking hours with her Monday through Friday, so cuddling with her for half the night is just pure bliss! I have been sleeping on a mattress and box spring in her room because my husband & I have a waterbed. I do not feel it is safe to have a baby on a waterbed all night.
My husband and I are in counseling now and we will do what we can....but he & the counselor are telling me that my daughter is in danger of becoming too dependent on me. I find this very confusing.... First, she is with a sitter all day during the week (the sitter says she is good as gold! No behavior issues.) and that leaves about 41 waking hours per week; second, she is only 6 months old! How can she be too attached/dependant at 6 months!? She interacts plenty with daddy when we are all home together and it is obvious that she enjoys him too. She does not snub him for me.
If I am in fact harming my daughter then I would like to know. If not I would like to know what literature or information I can give my husband & counselor to set them straight. If my husband is saying these things out of jealousy then we need to be clear so that issue can be worked without the unnecessary guilt trips I feel he is laying on me.
I look forward to hearing your thoughts.
Kelly
Hi Kelly..
Thanks for writing. I'm really glad that you and your husband are finding such joy in being parents. As for your question, my answer is really simple. At this time, my concern is not whether your daughter is too dependent upon you but whether you are growing too dependent upon your daughter.
Best wishes to all three of you!
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.