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Ask Dr. Simon Your Questions About Divorce, Custody, Child-Sharing and Co-Parenting
If you would like to submit your question(s) to Dr. Simon,
please email them to rsimon@dr-simon.com.
Dear Dr. Simon,
A friend on mine practices "attachment parenting", complete with family bed, etc. They also take showers together (not always, but a parent often helps bathe or showers with one of the children). My concern is that the oldest daughter is experiencing the onset of secondary sex characteristics, including menstruation and breast development, thus I assume pubic hair growth, as well. Am I out of line to be concerned that her showering with her dad or brothers is inappropriate? Thank you for your advice. Tom
Hi Tom:
I am not completely familiar with what is known as "attachment parenting". I am aware of it and have heard some things about it but I am not aware of all of the foundations and underpinnings of this style of parenting. It is fair to say that conventional wisdom amongst psychologists, at this time, is that privacy and respect for privacy as children develop into young adults is appropriate. I know that my oldest son desires this even though we are both male. It is hard for me to see the need for co-showering with growing children but then again, I'm not fully informed about what "attachment parenting" is all about.
I am also aware, however, that in other countries and cultures, for example the Scandinavian countries, nudity within the home is commonplace and not at all out of the ordinary. In other words, what is "normal" or "healthy" is something that is, in part, determined by prevailing norms and expectations. It could be that in your friend's home, there simply are not present the type of body privacy issues that are present in most homes in this country. Certainly, if your friend's daughter asks for privacy, it should be given.
Thank you for your question.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My daughter has been divorced for five years. There is a seven year old boy that shares custody with both parents. My daughter is in a very loving relationship with an Orthodox Jew who wants to marry her as long as she has a Ghett which is a "Jewish Divorce". This has been an impossible task for my daughter to receive. Her ex will not give her one and in essence, he is controlling her life once again, by her not moving along with her new relationship. There is no doubt in our minds that if this is ever granted to her, it will be conditions regarding their son. What can she do to reason with him so he wil grant this to her? Any help you can give to us would be greatly appreciated. We have exhausted all avenues at this time. Thanks,
A concerned Grandmom
Dear Grandmom:
Oh how I wish I had the secret to how to make controlling people let go of their need to control! If her former husband is motivated to be difficult for whatever reason, there is not a whole lot you can do about it. What one can do in such situations is learn to sidestep their control by living happily anyway, by not giving into their ways of controlling. Of course, your situation is one in which certain religious/spiritual beliefs and practices are at issue. Indeed, it seems to me that your daughter's boyfriend may be every bit as controlling about this issue as her former husband is. If he understands the impossibility of her dealing with her ex-husband, one wonders why his loving nature does not allow him to overcome his insistence on the Ghett. Is there something about your daughter that makes her attracted to strong-willed men?
Thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
You may be the place for an answer I need....
My former wife and I were married for 20 years, and separated after 18 years. In my opinion, if there is such a thing as a "model divorce," we have had it. I live three miles away from my children and her. Our children are a daughter, 20 (away at college), a son, 17, a senior in high school who will be away at college in the fall of 2000, and a 9-year-old son who is absolutely terrific.
My former wife has informed me she plans to move from Cincinnati to the Chicago suburbs (about 380 miles apart) after our 17 year old is at college in August. She says she wants to "be closer to her family," as she has a sister whom she is close to there. She doesn't mention she is dating a man who lives there.
She wants to take our 9-year-old (age ten by then) with her. By the terms of our shared parenting agreement,she cannot take him with her without my permission. I have a three-bedroom condo and can physically handle him. I am also dating someone, though it would be a pleasant surprise if it were to turn serious, as this person is devoted to her own children and her demanding job. I find myself wanting to spend time with her on weekends she is free of her children--and not dealing with kids. I currrently pay child support more than the court "formula," to ensure my kids have at least the same standard of living; this will drop once my older son is in college (currently $1700/mo.) I am 48; their mother is 45.
My 9-year old says he wants to go with his mom, though we have a good relationship.
Given this scenario, I have been wrestling with this decision, and have these questions:
1) I want to do what is best for our 9-year old. Is there any data that indicates he is better off with his mother at this age, as she claims?
2) I know the best thing is for his mother to stay put. But she's not. Is there any damage to having him travel every two to three weeks between homes?
3) If his mother gets "serious" (and she may be) about this other man, what is to prevent him from acting as his father because he is physically present?
4) What consideration, if any, should be given to my son's preference to go to Chicago? I've told him it's not like visiting; it's permanent. My emotional fear is that once he is gone, he is gone, and though he mother says she will agree to allowing him to go to high school here and live with me, I know he will have his own friends and likely won't come back.
I'm sure I am forgetting other questions. Putting aside the obvious emotional feelings, what's best for him? I have offered to go to mediation with my former wife, who now says I am the "enemy" because she thinks I will "screw" her by keeping him. Thanks for your thoughts.
Howard
Hello Howard:
I really appreciate your question and admire the positive, loving and supportive tone with which you approach these issues. One thing seems clear...and that is that no matter what, your son has two parents who love him and who support his relationship with the other parent. He obviously feels safe and secure in both homes. This bodes well for him no matter what. And obviously, you are aware of the highly negative impact of a custody battle and the impact it would have on your son.
What I hear in your letter are concerns about what is best for your son and concerns that you have about losing your son or having the depth of his attachment to you diminish. Insofar as what is best for your son, there are many factors to consider that have to do with your particular situation. Of course, the best of worlds would be that you and his mother remained in the same town but this appears not to be. I am not aware of any research that suggests that the mother-child relationship is more important or takes precedence over the father-child relationship, especially with a male child, at your son's age. To be sure, relocating is a difficult transition even in the best of circumstances and people often underestimate the complexity of the adjustment that takes place when one relocates geographically. If his mother does move and if your son goes along, it sounds like both you and your son's mother are capable of being sensitive to how he is adjusting to the move and whether or not it is working out well for him.
Insofar as his seeing another man as his "father" and your fears of loss, my experience is that while this fear is very common, it rarely comes to fruition. Yes, he may grow close to and attached to another man much like he might grow attached to and close to a woman you bring into your life. However, mother's and father's are rarely replaced in the hearts of kids. And remember, the more people who love your son, the better off he is.
I truly appreciate your letter and know that many other viewers will too. Please feel free to write again if you want more information/ideas or to give us a report of how things are going.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My husband and I are in the process of divorce (we were married six years). We have a son, 4 1/2, and a daughter, 2 1/2. Despite the fact that he had an affair, we have remained amicable and cooperative, particularly in regard to the children: ample and flexible visitation, no negativity, etc. We are in complete agreement to handle this as well as we can for the children.
The question I have is that, over the last few weeks, I have noticed that my son has formed an almost unhealthy attachment to me. We have always been close, but lately he has assumed a "husband-like" attitude to me, wanting to sleep in my bed, caressing my face, wanting to be held, asking me when I am going to bed, etc. My husband and I have cuddled our children since their births, but lately it seems that my son's behavior has taken on a more "sexual" nature.
Is this behavior merely one of an Oedipus Complex occurring at his age, or is it happening because his father no longer lives in the house? To be honest, I'm not sure how to handle it, or if my husband should be the one to address it.
Any information you could provide would be appreciated.
Dear Mom:
Thank you for writing. What a wonderful question! It does not sound to me as if your son's behavior is sexual as much as it is related to feelings of love, attachment and emotional need. I think you can be reassured that your son's behavior is probably within developmentally normal limits given his age and the issues that are going on in your family. It is possible that he is attempting to soothe some of his own sadness and fear by trying to take care of you. Many children do respond to stress and pain by becoming caretakers. I think that what is important here is that you maintain appropriate boundaries with your son, that you pay careful attention to his worries and concerns and that you try to respond to them as best you can. Both you and your child's father want to be certain to reassure your son that you love him and that you want him to continue a close relationship with each of you. Do everything you can to keep your conflict with your child's father out of the earshot of your son. Finally, be aware of and sensitive to your level of comfort/discomfort with your son's behavior. Your discomfort with it is a signal to you that you need to take action to set better boundaries, to redirect his behavior or attend to the underlying emotional issues that drive the behavior.
I hope this helps. Thank you again for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
I was in an abusive marriage. I have a daughter who is 16 years old. She is in a wheelchair. Her father tried to push her down stairs in the chair, was verbally and mentally abusive towards her. She told the Judge that she is afraid of him and does not want to see him. The Judgetold her she has no rights and nothing he did to her matters. She will have to see him. Her doctors are against it-but never were allowed to testify. I thought a 16 year old had a choice. Even her therapist doesn't agree with the courts decision. Twenty agencies have told us that her rights have been violated. He also has made no attempt to support her even though court ordered. There are witnessess to the abuse, but they weren't allowed to be heard either. What can we do? As of last week, he even yelled at her on the phone. He's also threatened to kill or destroy me before he sees me keep custody. What can I do to help her?
Dear Parent:
Wow...this is indeed a painful and confusing situation. As you probably know, local rules and procedures vary from city to city, state to state. I do not know what the local rules in your area are. I can tell you that all things being equal, most communities allow a 16 year old, who is thought to be emotionally able, to make this kind of choice. Certainly, if the things you state about your child's father are true, there is good reason to contact your local child protective agency and initiate an investigation. Have you obtained qualified legal representation from an attorney who is a qualified family law specialist? If not, surely this would be a crucial thing for you to do next.
Thanks for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
I have a friend that lives in South Dakota and is living with his girlfriend that has been diagnosed with bi-polar disease. They have a 2 year old son. My friend says that his girlfriend goes absolutely crazy at times and gets very depressed also. The scenes that go on are witnessed by their son and her son by a previous relationship. The children get really upset and are really emotional for sometime after. He is very worried about the boys and would like to get custody of them. He is scared for them. He has heard that the state gives custody of the kids to women mostly. Is there a way that he could possibly gain custody of the boys? His girlfriend has been put in the hospital many times for this disease and is on medication. Any advice or help you can give would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
A worried friend
Dear Worried Friend:
Thank you for writing. Bipolar Affective Disorder (also known as Manic Depressive Disorder) is a serious psychiatric disorder that can cause a number of difficult and significant symptoms. Not everyone with bipolar disorder displays dramatic symptoms, however. It is also a disorder that is typically treatable with medication or a combination of medications. Child custody decisions are based, primarily, on the "best interests of the children". While the definition of this varies from place to place, in situations where the children's safety is compromised due to actions or illness on the part of a parent, this fact takes priority over the sex of a parent. However, I am unfamiliar with the local rules or workings of the family courts in your area. I strongly suggest that your friend consult with an experienced family law attorney in your area and seek his/her guidance. Best Wishes and thanks again for writing!
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon:
My husband and I have been married for 27 years and have two beautiful daughters age 21 and 23. Both attend college and are very motivated to make something of their lives. Our oldest daughter has been dating a 27 year old young man for 4 years. They seem to have a lot in common, however he just comes around when he needs something. She spends all her time and money on him and receives nothing in return, not even affection. She is a very passive person and is very well liked by others. He takes advantage of her personality and takes her for granted.
For the past 3 1/2 years, we have been extremely supportive of her decisions, in hopes that she will see his faults for herself and draw her own conclusions. This does not seem to be happening. Finally, we realized that by supporting her in this way, she viewed it as our acceptance of the situation.
Twice over the past month I have lightly mentioned that I didn't feel he had any real interest in the relationship; only to have her become very defensive. If the truth be known, if they were to get married, I'm sure it would become an abusive relationship and end in divorce. Knowing that up front, we could not support an engagement of marriage. I want her to understand this before the relationship goes any further.
Should my husband and I express our concerns, or is it best to just keep our mouths shut? She's a very smart girl, however, she's just not catching on to this one.
Thank you for you guidance.
Concerned Parents.
Hello Concerned Parents:
When you say that you could not be supportive of an engagement or marriage, do you mean that you would not be happy about it, that you would choose not to be a part of the wedding or the post-marriage relationship or something else?
It is easy to understand your concern and your worry about the relationship given your perceptions of your daughter's boyfriend. And you may well be 100% on target with your predictions about what would happen should she marry him. And while you are her parents and she is your child, you no doubt realize that as an adult this is her life and she will make and should make her own decisions.
My suggestion is that you support your daughter and that you continue to stand by her. However, because she is an adult and not a child, giving her support and standing by her does not mean rescuing her or providing haven to her should things go wrong. Let her learn from her mistakes by having to cope with and dig herself out of the consequences of her choice should that choice be painful but do so while loving her and letting her know you love her. Of course, should there be abuse that she needs to be protected from, I am sure that you will see to it that she is safe. However, adult parents support their children by loving them without rescuing them.
Best Wishes to you and your daughter. Thanks for your letter.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Last year when I was ready to give birth to my second child, my husband had an affair with a women he worked with. A child was concieved from this brief affair. They took a paternity test today to confirm that in fact this child is his. We also have a nine year old daughter together. I am trying to figure out how to tell her and explain this to her. My daughter and her father have a very strong relationship. How do we explain this to her without causing any animosity torwards her stepbrother and to try to maintain the same relatonship with her father? Our daughter is still adjusting to life with her new baby brother I wonder what or how she will take the news that she know has another brother? I do not want this to cause her any more grief then it has to. How do we tell her?
Hello:
Thank you for your letter. You have, indeed, a complex and tricky situation to deal with and I think it is important that you have realistic expectations about responding to it. Perhaps first and foremost, it is important to realize that for everyone in your family, coping with the reality of your husband's affair and it's outcome is a process that will unfold over time and that will take time. No doubt everyone will go through periods of feeling a variety of emotions. This is normal. So do give things time and do know that the process will be one with ups and downs.
In terms of telling your daughter, I believe that truth is important. However, one must say things in a way and at a level of detail that is appropriate for her age. If you try and distort the facts or attempt "sanitize" them, no doubt this will come back to haunt you. I also believe that it will be helpful for you to be very clear within yourself about what your feelings are and where you are with all of this. Your hurt, your mistrust and similar feelings will come into play in your communication with your daughter. But do know that you can't protect her from the truth especially if your husband is going to be a part of this other child's life. Consider the fact that your daughter, too, is going to have to go through feelings of anger and upset with her father and that she, too, may experience feelings of betrayal by him. This is normal and not something you can totally protect her from. What happened in the life of your family is something you all have to cope with. The reality of these events means that things are not like they were before. But remember that people, especially children, are highly resilient and that the power of love helps people cope with and overcome situations that seem beyond impossible.
Thanks again for your letter. Best wishes to you and your family.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
DEAR DR. SIMON,
I AM A VERY LOVING MOTHER THAT HAS JUST BEEN PUT IN A VERY UNEASY SITUATION. I HAVE A THREE YEAR OLD SON. HIS FATHER UP TO THIS POINT HAS CONSIDERED US, HOW YOU SAY A CONVENIENT FAMILY. I HAVE FINALLY MOVED ON WITH MY LIFE AND AM GOING TO GET MARRIED TO A MAN THAT MY SON'S FATHER DOES NOT LIKE. I TALKED TO HIM ABOUT LETTING MY FUTURE HUSBAND ADOPT OUR SON BUT HE REFUSED NOW HE IS TELLING ME THAT HE IS GETTING A LAWYER AND GOING TO GET PARTIAL CUSTODY OF MY SON. HE DID NOT PAY CHILD SUPPORT UNTIL WE HAD THE TEST DONE AND THEY TOLD HIM THAT THEY WERE GOING TO TAKE IT OUT OF HIS CHECK, ABOUT SIX MONTHS AGO. HE CANT KEEP A JOB FOR MORE THEN SIX MONTHS HE STILL LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS AND DOES NOT HAVE RELIABLE TRANSPORTATION. WHERE AS I RENT MY OWN HOME I KEEP A JOB AND HAVE RELIABLE TRANSPORTATION. WHAT DO YOU THINK WILL COME OF THIS SITUATION. IM TERRIFIED THAT THEY ARE GOING TO TAKE MY BABY AND GIVE HIM TO HIS DEAD BEAT DAD FOR PARTIAL CUSTODY.
TERRIFIED MOTHER
Dear Terrified Mother:
Decisions about custody and child sharing are, hopefully, made with the best interests of the child in mind. In general, conventional wisdom holds that a child's interests are fostered by having an ongoing, meaningful and regular relationship with each parent. The question of primary custodial residence typically rests on which parent is better able to provide the child with an appropriate, stable and consistent environment. Because a biological parent continues to live with his/her own parents, does not consistently hold a job and so forth is relevant when considering primary residence of a child. However, such a parent has rights and unless this parent can be shown to present harm or danger to the child, it is in the child's interests to have a relationship, of some form, with that parent. Please remember that your feelings for your child's father are not what counts. What counts is the need of the child to know both of his/her parents. I think it is great that you are engaged and that you are with a man who loves your son enough to want to adopt him. However, this man is not your son's father. Think of how you would feel if the show were on the other foot and someone asked you to give up your parental rights to another woman. You'd be enraged! My suggestion is that you allow your son and your fiancé to develop a relationship that is special in its own right but that in doing that you do not deny your son the right to know and love his biological father. All things being equal, that is in your son's best interests and these interests, after all, are what you want to promote in the first place.
Thanks so much for writing. Best wishes and much happiness to you.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
My husband's 10 and half year old son is showing some very disturbing outbursts these days.We have joint custody and I have been married to his father for 7 years.We also have a one year old son.The ex-wife has remarried but is constantly throwing her husband out of the house as well as having large arguments in front of my stepson Ben. To make matters worse we recently were forced to adopt our family dog to a new home in the country.Ben screams at us on the phone,is disrespectful,rude and just pretty awful to us these days.We have tried to speak to his mother about this,but she seems to be pretty much in denial that anything is wrong.She does not work but attends school part time plus has a live-in nanny.She is basically gone every night from 6pm on.We have had a major custody fight 3 years ago.We love Ben dearly. Obviously,we cannot change the ex-wife's behavior.But is this normal behavior for a 10 year old?We have tried taking things away from him,talk to him etc. Nothing seems to help. Any ideas on this topic would be greatly appreciated.
Desperate in NYC
Dear Desperate in NYC:
Wow...your situation certainly illustrates one of the basis truths in co-parenting. That truth is that you can't change what goes on in the home of the other parent. All you can do is influence what goes on in your home and provide what you believe to be a proper environment while the child is with you. Unfortunately, it is part of human nature that we tend to go with the path of least resistance. This means that your step-son would behave more in accordance with what sounds like more relaxed standards and fewer rules/expectations in his mother's home. Thus, he'd be expected to rebel against you in your home, particularly given that your husband's relationship with his ex-wife is poor. My advice is to stay the course - do what you feel is best in your home - keep your rules and expectations where you want them to be and provide your stepson with an alternative model to what he experiences in his mother's home. But also please remember that you cannot compensate or make up for what you perceive to be the weaknesses in his mother's home. In other words, don't go overboard to adopt rules or standards that are intended to compensate. Just do what your good senses would direct you to do.
Best wishes and thank you for your letter.
Dr.Simon
I am going through a nasty divorce. My husband has been abusive towards our 8 year old daughter through out the marriage. We have been married for 8 1/2 years. He has to be supervised when he sees them. The problem is my daughter is making herself sick by vomiting and passes out if she thinks she has to see him. She now has a eating disorder. She thinks if she doesn't eat she won't have to see him. She is starving herself and nobody cares in Washington state. She has told her counselor she hates him and never wants to see him. She drew a picture of him hanging. She wrote on it "I hate you Jamey". She has always called him by his first name and refuses to call him dad. When she was 5 she said she wanted a new dad. She is very depressed. When she makes herself sick before visitation and I cancel the visit, within a half hour she is up and happy. Their father has told them they are s.o.b.'s. Where are the children's rights? Don't they have a right to be safe and happy? They don't deserve to be treated like this. There is more to this but it would take to long to tell. I am trying to pass a law to protect the abused children and whether they want to see their abusive parent. They should have a right. Can you tell me opinion? Thanks, Lori
Hello Lori.
The story that you are telling is one that is all too familiar to those that
work with abused children. Yes, they have rights which is why their time
with their father is supervised now. Under the law, he also has rights.
This places you in a difficult situation whereby you feel "forced" to have
your daughter see her father even though it sounds like this is very
upsetting her. I often feel very frustrated and upset with a system that
forces children into toxic relationships with parents that have mistreated
them. I also know, however, that most of these cases are not black and
white and that even horrible situations can sometimes be worked through.
We've all heard it said that our system of criminal justice seems to give
the criminal more rights and protections than it does the victim. In family
law, there are parallels to this. My experience with such situations has taught me two things. The first is
that the custodial parent sometimes unconsciously works to sabotage the
child's relationship with the non-custodial parent. When this happens, it
is not surprising to see the child display different signs of anxiety and
distress which are very dramatic. In such cases, the custodial parent
unwittingly heightens the child's sense of themselves as victim because they
undermine the child's resilience. (Please understand that I am not
suggesting that you are doing this kind of thing. Rather, I am using your
question to illustrate what often takes place.) The second thing I have
learned is that the non-custodial parent, when they are an abuser, will
often become frustrated with the restrictions of supervision and the
scrutiny they are placed under. This may lead them to end the visits. Whatever is going on for your child, what you are observing are clear signs
that she needs help dealing with her feelings and her trauma. Whether or
not she continues to see her father, I would strongly suggest that you get
her involved in some psychotherapy. Remember, too, that as children get older, the courts typically afford them
more and more self direction in terms of custodial decisions. I know that
what is going on now is frustrating and painful for you and I applaud your
efforts to impact the law on behalf of children. Dr. Simon
Dear Dr. Simon:
I am in the midst of a divorce. My ex and I were married 15 years. We have a 14 year old daughter together, I have a 17 year old daughter from a previous relationship. My husband initiated the divorce, saying he didn't love me anymore. Here is the real deal, though. He is addicted to crystal methamphetamine, I am not (I was abusing it with him, but have not touched it nor had the desire to since he left one year ago). Right before he left us (to live in his place of business with another woman, one who used to deliver drugs to him), he wrecked his truck after being gone for almost 2 days partying (fell asleep at the wheel). He used to fall asleep with cigarettes burning in his fingers (caught the couch on fire once), he can sleep sitting up anywhere (when he can't get or afford his drugs) even a convertible Jeep on the freeway at night. Since he moved out, I've told him he can visit the kids any time he wants, with a phone call first. He is not allowed to take the girls anywhere unless he takes a drug test and proves he's not on drugs of any kind (he's also a fan of pot, acid and nitrous oxide). It's been a year and he's spent less than 24 total hours with the kids, several times completely standing them up and others making up "druggie excuses" like stomach flu, food poisoning, etc. (I know, I used them too). My girls know of the drug abuse (mine too), but my ex keeps insisting he's not doing it anymore. I know from experience and the visitation pattern and excuses that he is. My younger daughter believes his stories, I guess, and gets mad at me for saying that he's acting that way from drugs and not from a lack of interest in her. She told me he recently told her there's no way I can make him take drug tests for visitation. What are my legal rights to have him tested? Are there any legal precedents of this in California? By the way, I am willing to be tested every single time he is, I no longer have anything to hide. Will this help? Thanks in advance for any advice you can offer.
Hello:
Drug testing is usually decided on a case-by-case basis. It sounds as if both you and your ex-husband would have good reason to want one another tested. I suggest you hire a qualified family law attorney and consult with him/her on the issue. I can't advise you about your legal rights since I am a psychologist, not an attorney. So get one!
It worries me that your daughter is telling you about what you can and can't do with respect to testing. I say this because it suggests that she is being drawn into the adult issues. This is inappropriate. Whatever you may be doing to bring her into the adult issues, please try and stop. The worst thing for kids is when they become caught in the crossfire between their parents. Rather than try and explain her father's behavior to her, just empathize with her sense of disappointment and her sadness that he is not around more often. Reinforce her love for him as well.
Best wishes to you.
Dr. Simon
Dear Dr. Simon,
I have had visitation disputes (among others) with my son's father ever since we split up 7 years ago (my son is now 9); but they seemed to have gotten worse over the past year. For me to go into detail about everything that me and my fiancé have to deal with from him would take too much time so I will try to get right to the point. My main concern is my son and how everything effects him with his father putting me down and making up lies about me, and our weekly disputes over him wanting to change the visitation schedule (court ordered) at the spur of the moment and so that it is structured around his schedule. I would jump off the edge of the earth to provide my son with a stable life style and have done the very best job I can with him and I truly try to work with his father but he is completely unreasonable. He has refused to release my son to me at times and has taken him out of summer camp on an unscheduled day and I didn't know where my son was until the next day; when I finally got ahold of him. I have had to get law endorsement involved a couple of times; I know that it must have left a bad impression for my son but I can't allow this man to control my life and effect it the way he consistently tries weekly. He just recently cancelled my son's dentist appointment the he was going to take him to for a decaying tooth but cancelled because I wouldn't alter the guidelines by letting him stay over night on a school night. This summer, he stated that I didn't have any rights to keeping my son for a week while my family was visiting in town, being that my guidelines did not specify and he did everything he could to see that I didn't get him, he hunted my family down when my son was with them and I had to fight tooth and nail for my rights so that my son could spend what little time was left with his grandma who he hadn't seen in 5 years. My question is, what can "I" do to help the situation with my son and the things his dad tells him and what can I do to make sure my son doesn't grow up with everlasting problems because of the conflicts that I face with his father? It's hard to hide these disputes from my son when his father tells him that I won't let him spend time with his dad and argues with me over the phone when Devin is visiting with him and sitting right there. It's not fair that I look like the bad guy all of the time. Me and my fiancé cannot live in peace with these constant struggles that we have to face "weekly"; it's always something...always. I am tired and I am very concerned for my son who is in the middle. Is there anything that "I" can do?
Thank you for your help.
Hello:
Unfortunately, your situation is all too common. You and your child's husband seem to be involved in a "divorce to death" by which I mean that it is impossible to put the conflict between the two of you to rest. As a result, it gets played out over the custody and parenting plan of your son. I'm wondering if your impending re-marriage has not created more tensions in the situation. If often does. The former spouse may feel threatened by the fact that a new adult is a part of the child's life. Sometimes the new adult in the child's life tries to assume a role with the child that is not appropriate (i.e. becoming a parental adult too fast) which causes tensions in the dynamics. It is important to remember that you are the mother and that there is only one father. It is also important that you look at the situations that come up and make sure that your reactions to them are for your son. Although it is difficulty, try not to act out of your own anger towards your child's father but rather take the high road and act in a way that is best for your son. Although this may sometimes take on the appearance that his father has "won" a battle, one wants the winner each and every time to be the child. We parents have to set our own egos aside.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Dr. Simon
Dear Dr. Simon,
My soon to be ex (from here on referred to as X) and I are in the middle of a big fight over how much visitation our son should be allowed to have with me. X has custody since he's a tenured college professor with a very flexible schedule. I have a full-time professional job.
I won't go into details about why X is punishing me, but I will say that I deserve his anger and bitterness. What's upsetting me is that he's using our son as a pawn. As long as I behave, I'm rewarded with as much visitation and phone privilege as I want. If I don't behave, X begins restricting my visitation to just that defined in our court order, which is nothing.
My son and I are very close. What are some of the potential negative repercussions to our son? Is there any way I can make X stop using our son to try to control my behavior?
Dear Mom:
I'm surprised that the current court order does not specify a parenting plan with a child sharing schedule laid out. How was it that such a thing happened? Do you have a qualified attorney assisting you? If not, get one! Everyone deserves representation.
Children should not be used as pawns in parental struggles with one another. Unfortunately, this happens all the time, every day in every state, city and community. The law can't stop people from fighting or from playing out their emotional needs. The law can only decide what will and won't happen when and where.
Research clearly shows that kids to best when they have regular and frequent contact with each parent, when this contact is predictable and consistent and when parents do not play out their issues with one another in the context of custody and child sharing decisions. So much for ideals. I think it is a waste of your time to try and "make" your ex husband do anything or to try and change his behavior. What you might think of doing, instead, is consulting a qualified family law specialist in your area to find out what legal recourse is available. At all times, however, stay focused on your son, his well being and his needs. It is hard but try not to focus on your hurt and anger with his father and your understandable desire to even the score.
Good luck and very best wishes.
Dr. Simon
To give you a little history. My husband and I have been married for 15 years. We have a good marriage (I think) We have a 14 year old son, he is a very good child he does have his times but I think he is a normal 14 year old. Good grades never in trouble and loves me and his Dad. I have known for some time that my husband has had something against our son, he just does not treat him like he is important to him. Well, a few weeks ago on a camping trip we were sitting talking and my husband admitted that he does not like our son and does everything in his power to make our son miserable. I was not shocked at this, but it did let me know that what I have thought all along. He does not like our son. What steps should I take before this gets out of hand and my son realizes that this is how his father feels.
Thank You
Hello:
Unfortunately, your son probably already knows how his father feels. To be perfectly honest with you, kinds perceive far more than we usually realize.
It worries me that your husband does not like his own son. This is not at all normal or healthy. Most parents go out of their way to be good and kind to their children. If he admits that he goes out of his way to make your son unhappy, you have a situation with significant risk present. Were I in your situation, I would insist that my husband get into psychotherapy immediately. I would be very worried about the potential for abusive behavior.
Dr. Simon
Dear Dr. Simon,
I've been divorced for almost 5 years. I'm remarried and now have a 3 year old besides my 8 year old from first marriage. My problem is that my ex acts like he thought I was going to beg him to come back after I filed for divorce. I haven't and my life has taken off since leaving him. My attitude about everything has changed for the better since my divorce. He waited until after I gave birth to my baby to take me back to court asking for a change in custody. This was 1 and a half years after our divorce was final. The court ordered psychological evaluations on the 3 of us. After 9 months the report was written up. It said no need for a change in custody. Now, 2 years after that, my ex wants to go back to court to start changing the visitation order we've been using for 4 and a half years. What up sets me is that what he is asking for is not in the best interest of our daughter.(He wants to keep her until 8pm on Sunday night. I feel this would affect her ability to get the proper amount of rest before school on Monday.) All his requests are based on what is easier and more convenient for him. Will the court understand that my daughter has a brother now and is very happy with the way things are or will the court disrupt a happy family to make the ex-husband feel more secure in his life?
I thank you for any words of wisdom you may have.
Nervous in Michigan
Hello Nervous:
As children grow and develop, their needs change and what is right or wrong for them in terms of a child sharing plan can also change. Custody disputes are always very emotionally charged. Each parent views the situation through their sense of what is best and through their emotions. This is normal. They tend to view the other parent's desires through emotions only and, typically, through negative expectations of the other parent. While I can't comment on the true realities of your daughter's situation, I advise you to be mindful of the fact that it is normal for you to see her father's motives as negative and selfish. In truth, they may or may not be. I will tell you that there is every reason to believe that in 4 1/2 years of development of a young child, a lot changes about the child. A parenting plan that evolves may make sense although one has to consider the particulars of the situation.
I hope that this helps you.
Dr. Simon
Dear Dr. Simon
My sister went out with a guy for 8 months, they broke up when they tried living together. At around the same time, they found out they were pregnant. They haven't married so who has full custody? Should my sister make arrangements to get full custody if she doesn't have it? She's afraid he'll take their child away or demand too much. She wants to be sure that her child, he/she will always be with her. She does not want any surprises.
Hello and thanks for writing:
The specific laws that apply to this situation may vary from state to state. You will want to consult with a family law specialist in your area to find out what the laws and local rules are that govern this kind of situation.
In general, however, each parent maintains parental rights and responsibilities. No one gets "full custody". This means that if the baby's father wishes to play an active role in his/her life, it is likely that the law will support his unless, of course, he is inappropriate in his handling of the child. Please know that when one thinks about a custody situation for the child, one has to keep in mind what is best for the child, not what makes the parent happy or decreases the parent's anxiety. Each and every child has a right and to have a relationship with both parents even when the parents do not get along. Although I can understand your sister wanting her child with her all the time, it may be that this is not best for the child if it prevents the child from knowing and having a quality relationship with the father. By the way, raising children is always filled with surprises. This is especially true when the parents are not in a relationship any longer. The most important thing in this kind of situation is to remember that it is the child's best interests that adults need to be concerned with, not their own feelings or fears.
Best of luck to you and your family.
Dr. Simon
Dear Dr. Simon
My son who is 16.5 yrs. old who lives with his mother has decided he doesn't want to see me any more at our house,because he doesn't like my wife(his stepmom).I believe he is wanting me to choose between he and my wife and I have told him My wife isn't going any where as I have a life also.
He has been coming to the house every Thursday and every other weekend on Sunday. On other weekends he would come over on a Friday evening and stay till Sunday night at 9:00 PM. My son and my wife have had difficulty in the past,but my wife has bent over backwards to be nice and try to be helpful. My son also has been diagnosed with ADHD.
This schedule has been pretty constant for yrs. as I have been divorced for 10 yrs. My other 14 yr. old son comes to the house and gets along with my wife.
My question is: Should I bow down and see my son on his terms at his time away from my house or insist if he wants to be with me he needs to come to our house( (tuff (sic) love) preplexed and torn.
I need your advice.
Hi Jim:
Have you consulted with a qualified psychologist in your are about these issues? The situation you describe calls out for such a consultation and I strongly suggest you get this kind of advice. My best guess is that there is more going on for your son than his not liking your wife. This change of heart and attitude on his part is probably related to an accumulation of concerns and issues taking place within his adolescent being. While you want to be absolutely certain that his complaints about your wife are not well founded, it is probably best that you let him know that you are aware that many 16 year olds have a lot on their minds and are often overwhelmed by the challenges they now face in life as they grow older and more mature.
If you feel that your limit with him about coming to your home is appropriate, follow your instinct but let him know that you are there to help him work through whatever is troubling him.
Best Wishes!
Dr. Simon
Dear Dr. Simon,
My family and I are going through some extremely tough times and I need some answers or directions to where I could find some.
This is a very complicated and distressing story. My sister died a little more than a month ago after a two year fight with breast cancer. She was the custodial parent with her x-husband having visitations. They've been separated for more than 7 years and he had nothing to do with the children until several years after the divorce when she took him to court to obtain child support and visitations with their dad. In those 7 years he has chosen to utilized his two week visitation in the summers only twice. He has frequently made plans with the kids and then never shown up or called. The courts charged with contempt of court more than once due to unpaid child support in the many thousands. During my sister's illness, he was no help at all. When she was in the hospital and I could not get there during the week due to living a good distance (more than 2 hours) away, the children would stay with my parents and/or family friends so they could stay in their schools. My parents took them most of the time and saw them daily as they have their entire life. When my sister was receiving hospice care at my parents house, the kids could come see her but not stay long due to her medical fragileness. When their dad did want his visitations, the kids who cry and beg my mom not to make them go. Especially when he tried to insist they come stay with him, hours away from the hospital, after the doctors said the end was near. My mom begged to get him to let them stay with their dying mother and he finally gave in.
The children are 10 and 15 and have spent their whole lives visiting their grandparents almost every day. Our family has always been very close, supportive, good friends, and done most of our entertainment/activities together. The kids frequently stayed with my husband and I as well. Ever since the divorce the kids have never wanted to go see their dad. The older child often refused to go.
My parents have tried very hard to be friendly with him (invite him in, include him) but his new family does not seem interested and all of the friendliness he showed has now turned into lies. My parents talked with him about the children right after my sister's death. He agreed that they needed their strong support system of friends, family, church, choir, and extra curricular activities. For the time being, they agreed the kids would be "shared". Both parties had lawyers involved. He hired a lawyer in hopes of benefiting from my sister's insurance claims, social security and the house and belongings she was awarded after their divorce. My parents are the guardians and the executors of my sister's estate and have needed a lawyer just to figure out all the paperwork!. Both lawyers spoke and agreed on the arrangements with the kids staying with my parents temporarily during the week and weekends with their dad. Only two weeks after my sister's death, he took them to dinner, saying they'd be back in an hour or so and never returned.!
He now has both children for over a month. With no regard to their emotional well being or grieving process, he has taken them from their home, pets, belongings, friends, family, church, schools, and extra-curricular activities. He does not allow them to see any of us and tells the youngest than even one tear will result in the end of occasional telephone calls with my mom. They have been allowed to see some friends 2 or three times but only after swearing oaths that there'd be no contact with my family. He wants to erase any remembrance or connections with my sister except for the money. Both children are miserable, severely depressed, and on the edge of emotional stability. They have no support system, no connections, and no mom. Both are threatening to run away with no fear or concern for their own safety. They have both said that they would rather die than stay with their dad. Needless to say, I have been very worried about them.
We were under the understanding that the 15 yr.old has the right to choose where to live, however, the court appointed guardian has said to "suck it up and deal with it, there is no choice". Not only do we feel this person is biased, but we do not think she has the kids best interest in mind. She has been dragging her feet and not even seen the children once until yesterday yet she was appointed as guardian by the state more than a month ago. I just don't know how long the kids can hang on. He is verbally and emotionally abusing them and I'm terribly concerned for their physical and emotional stability.
So, what can we do? What are the 15 yr. olds rights in the state of Georgia? Where can we find supporting information/ help. My parents want custody of the oldest especially, and are willing to continue the visitations my sister had arranged. The have even said he could have the SS$ for both if he just let the kids stay until they're more stable. In the mean time, a court date just to determine temporary custody while awaiting the custody battle has not even been considered. What is considered to be a reasonable amt. of time for these children to wait to be placed in a supportive, loving environment so they can go through the grieving process. I f they are not allowed to even talk about or cry over their mother after her very recent death or see their closest family members and utilize their social and spiritual support systems to get through this very difficult time, how could the environment they're in be nurturing or safe!
Sorry I rambled on, but it's just all too much! Please offer us some direction to go/look in and where we can find a list of a 15 yr. old's rights in such a case.
Hello:
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and of the struggle for these two adolescents. The situation you describe is a very sad and painful one. No doubt everyone in the family is hurting over the loss and the changes that have come as a result of it.
I do not know the laws in the state of Georgia and how they apply to the decisions a 15 year old can and cannot make about where he/she lives. Typically, these laws are not governed so much on a statewide level but by what are known as "local rules" or what is typically done in a particular area. I know, for example, that here in San Diego, our local rules regarding certain aspects of custody litigation differ from the local rules in Los Angeles. I strongly recommend that you retain the services of a top-notch certified family law specialist in your area who is particularly experienced in the area of custody litigation. Consult with this individual, ask what local rules are in your area and find out what they suggest you do legally.
Best Wishes,
Dr. Simon
Dear Dr. Simon:
Hello, I am in need of some advice. My sister has two children. One is four and the other is two. They are both boys. The oldest is acting out different behaviors. He is hitting, slapping, and biting his younger brother. He will even hit anybody. He pushes children down at play group.
Even though he is punished, he still continues to do these behaviors. This has went on for over 6 months. He likes going over to grandma's house. He doesn't not want to leave. He cries everytime he has to go home. When I set back and observe the situation. I see a lot of things happening. My sister is always yelling at him. For example: the youngest takes a nap in the afternoon. She expects the four year old to be quiet so the youngest will not wake up. She is always saying, be quiet you will wake up bubby. To me, this is un-realistic, he is too young to sit down and be quiet why his brother is asleep. Everytime you talk to her she is in a bad mood. I tell her the kids can pick up on your moods. She has on reason to be in a bad mood. She is happily married, just built a new house, and she does not have to work. She also has a degree in Special Education. The oldest is very rebellious. He will do things on purpose, knowing he is not suppose to do that. For example: he let the dogs out from the pin, he was punished from his father. As soon as the child went back outside, he ran straight for the dog pin and was going to open it again. In my opinion, the mother and father are not giving the oldest one enough attention, that is why he is acting out in a rebellious behavior. Also, when he comes to grandma's house he get all the attention, because the youngest will not spend the night. I am so confused to this situation, and it is causes big problems in the family.
Please help me.
Thanks.
Concerned:
Hi Concerned:
Thanks for your letter. I can see how concerned you are about your sister's children. It is hard to watch people you love suffer and feel that you can't do very much to stop their pain.
From what you write, it is really hard to tell if you've taken the time to really sit down with your sister and, in a supportive fashion, told her of your concerns. Right now, I think that this would be the best approach since there is not much you can do about what goes on in her home and her family. I suggest that you speak with her by sharing what you see happen, what you notice about the children's behavior, how you believe the kid's feel and what you think could be done differently. If you are to succeed, you are going to have to do all of this in a non-judgmental and supportive fashion, being careful to make it clear that you love the children, that you love her and that you are concerned. Offer ideas, offer observations, offer suggestions but do not offer criticism and avoid harsh and angry words. If you have a good and close relationship with your sister, I'm sure she'll listen to what you have to say and feel supported by you. No doubt she, too, is concerned. If your relationship with her is strained, be realistic about just how open she will be with you and how much impact you can have.
Best wishes, Danyelle. I'd like to hear back from you with a follow up.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Simon
I saw your address on a web site after searching through thousands, it feels like. I need your help in trying to get help for my son. He has oppositional defiant disorder. His school will not acknowledge this problem. If I have to work hard at home to help him why can't they help me at his school. Is this a disability or only his behavior one that he can control. Is there any laws or special programs that a school can help him control his behavior. I'm not having problems at home only at school or on the school bus.
School recently went back in session Aug. 12 since that time my son has been in trouble 5 times. How can I get help through his school to stop this problem. I am desperate and I really need good sound advice from someone can you help my son!
Hello!
I'm glad you found my web page and I'll do the best I can to help. Where are you located? Perhaps your best bet at this point is to consult with your family doctor and get the name of a qualified child/adolescent psychologist in your area that is comfortable working clinically and as an advocate for your son in the school system.
Federal law does state that if an emotional or behavioral problem substantially interferes with a student's ability to learn in school that it is, therefore, a "handicapping condition". Often, children with sever
Oppositional Defiant Disorder are given the psychoeducational educational label SED (Severely Emotionally Disturbed and, therefore, qualify for special services in the school. In such cases, the school is required to offer the child an educational setting that is appropriate, to use appropriate instructional strategies for the child and, in many cases, to offer supportive and remedial services. Remember, though, that the school's responsibility for intervention has to do with the child's ability to function in school. My experience is that many school districts are in the bind that they have many students that need services and limited resources and funds to meet the need. Therefore, those students with parents who make themselves aware of the law and their rights and who are assertive with the schools tend to get the services for the child.
Best wishes. Feel free to write again for provide a follow up!
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Dr. Simon
I have been divorced for a less than a year and have two beautiful daughters ages 8 and 9. Recently my ex-husband has chosen to convert to his new girlfriends religion. His girlfriend is the pastor of her church. My ex-husband and his girlfriend are very intent on indoctrinating my children in their faith - which could not be more contradictory to the faith the children have always been raised in. I have raised my children as Christians, my ex and his girlfriend are involved with a branch of the New Age movement - it's very mystic and dabbles in wicca, witchcraft etc, it is known by many as a religious cult which aggressively attacks Christianity. My children are being put in a very difficult position - they are constantly attacked concerning their faith and are often required to defend their belief system to their father and his girlfriend. My children are suffering emotionally because of this situation. I have been told by the FOC in my state that a Supreme Court ruling states that as the custodial parent I direct the religious training for my children. Could you comment on this situation and direct me to some information concerning this? Possibly similar cases that I could study? I would like to read the actual ruling by the Supreme Court on this if possible. This will obviously need to be dealt with in court as my ex refuses to back off for the welfare of the children.
Thank you
A very worried Mom
Dear
Worried Mom:
What you are writing about describes a very complex and painful situation.
I'm sure you are not surprised to learn that religious differences often play a role in custodial disputes between parents. What is most important here is that you conceptualize the problem you are having with religious differences as an example of what happens when conflict exists between two homes and children get caught in the midst of the conflict or, perhaps are even placed in the middle by one or both parents. Thinking about the issue in this fashion may help you recognize the best course to take. If, for example, your children are going to be exposed to two different views of spirituality, it is most important that each home be positive about what they present to the children and that they not disparage the spiritual experience presented in the other home.
I don't know what the laws are in your state with regard to the issue of religious upbringing. In fact, this issue is not addressed in the laws of many states. Even if it is addressed in your state and you do have the authority to determine the course of your daughter's religious training, remember that you are essentially powerless to determine what goes on in the home of the other parent. The simple and pragmatic truth is that while family courts issue orders, many of them are hard, if not impossible, to enforce. You will find yourself, and therefore your daughters, to be much less in conflict about differences between the homes when you are able to recognize those things you cannot impact or change about the other home.
Thank you for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
I am a mother of two young girls ages one year and almost three. I left their father a year and a half ago, recently after I found out I was pregnant with my second daughter. Things have been crazy since my youngest was born. My ex-husband has been completely unreasonable. He seems to be using our daughters to hurt me just as I hurt him by leaving. He has done things such as requesting a note from my doctor for his lawyer, so I could breastfeed our daughter, to telling me not to call the girls while they are at his home. Our current schedule is that we each have them for one week. This is simply difficult on everyone. My 3 year old refuses to go with him when he arrives for pick-up and pleads with me on the phone to pick her up right now. This is heartbreaking. I don't know why she is saying this. It scares me. He also yells at me in front of the girls about custody and how much he hates me. I have also since met a wonderful man who I plan to marry and possibly have more children. My ex-husband however, is accusing me of having an affair and I am worried that he is telling our daughters this. So I have a few questions for you.
When the girls are with him should I be calling to talk to my oldest daughter even though she gets upset? How detrimental is this whole dispute for the children? What can I do to prevent anymore harm? What should I do for my daughter when she doesn't want to go with him? Both girls have recently started calling my fiancé, daddy, should I deter them from this? Any other advice? What will the girls think of their father when they are older?
Dear
Mom:
Your situation concerns me because of the level of conflict between you and your children's father. Although your letter mentions specifics of the conflict between the two of you, what is most important to know is that children do best when they are left out of the adult issues. When they are drawn into them, whatever their nature, harm is done to the children. How deep the wounds go and how hard they are to heal depends on many factors. Some of these are the severity of the conflict, how long the conflict goes on, whether both parents pull the children into the conflict and the quality of the attachment between the children and each parent. There are other factors, of course. My counsel to you is to do whatever must be done to shield the children from the conflict between you and their father while they are with you. Since you can't control what goes on in his home, be sure that your home environment is as healthy as possible.
On the specific issue of calling your fiancé "daddy", I strongly discourage this. The children have only one father - your ex-husband. If they wish to call your fiancé by a term of endearment, select one that they do not use to refer to their father. Be sure to let your girls know that you are very happy that they feel close to your fiancé and that he loves them very much. But tell them that they will only have one father during their life, that he is a special person in their life and that the terms "dad, daddy, father" are reserved for only him. This will, by the way, show them that you respect their right to have a relationship with him which will make them feel understood and supported by you.
Thanks so much for your question. Best wishes.
Dr. Simon
Dear Doctor,
Our daughter will be four in August. She attends a small in home day care three days a week. She has been going to the day care since she was 6 weeks old.
She is normally a very polite well behavior little girl but at day care on the days when one particular child also attends, that is one year younger than she and also a female, she seems to take all frustration out on her. Most of the time she will not share with her, she push's her, she hits and kicks her. She does not do this with any one else. Lately she has tried to kick the day care provider. She acts at times as if she if jealous that the day care provider does not spend more one on one time with her. But she has six children and she does spend a considerable amount of time with each child.
On our days off we spend family time together. After work my husband and I spend all of our time with her. She goes every where with us when we are not working. We have wondered if she is struggling with separation anxiety. She loves us, her parents, very much. She has said to me she is upset because I, her mother, had gone to work. She does enjoy her time with both of us but more so with me.
I take her to day care in the morning and her father picks her up in the after noon. Once in a while she will throw a total fit when he comes to pick her up. Its as if it is difficult for her to change gears about leaving day care and going home. Once she gets in the car she is fine. We have never seen any of this behavior at home.
Our daughter is also adopted. We have talked to her briefly over the years about her birth parents and about being adopted. Up until a year and a half ago we met with her birth parents three times a year. They have now seemed to have chosen not to visit. If you were to ask her if she is adopted she would tell you yes. She may not know exactly what it all means but she knows and that is what we hope she will remember when the time comes to go more into detail.
I wanted to mention this in case this may have some thing to do with her behavior and if so we will need counsel before we attend another meeting with the birth parents.
I hope I have given you enough detail. Any advise you may give would be most appreciated.
Thank you in advance,
Frustrated Mom
Dear Mom:
There are many reasons that children have tantrums. In fact, during some phases of normal development, one expects to see tantrums. There are times in development during which anger becomes a way for a child to mark his or her own boundary and independence. It is a display of volition, of will and a statement that announces their separateness from others, particularly caretaking adults. It can also be a way of asserting dominance over a child who is thought of as being weaker. When a child is developing a sense of separateness from parents, for example, what accompanies this is the realization that the parent is more powerful and has more control. In turn, the child may assert a similar role with another child they see as being weaker. Although it is unclear as to whether this scenario and dynamic is what is going on for your daughter, the situation you write of provides the opportunity to discuss this developmental dynamic.
I can tell you that based upon what you write, it does not sound as if separation anxiety is at play. You don't describe the kind of fear and dread nor the protest that comes with separation anxiety. I also doubt very much that her adoption plays a role in this behavior since at her young age, she can understand that she was adopted but the psychological meaning of this has not yet developed.
I sure hope this helps. Feel free to write again if you have any other questions or wish to provide a follow up!
Dr. Simon
Dear Dr. Simon:
I need some advice quickly. We want to do the right thing and need to know what is a good guideline. I am now living with my boyfriend who just got divorced (the ink is not dry yet), if it works between us we hope to get married. I met him on-line so their was NO adultery or anything like that until after the divorce was filed for -- so technically, I 'm not the other woman but still perceived to be just that by the ex and the ex's influence on the two girls (10 & 12).
We are living out of state (600 miles away). It has only been one month -- when is it appropriate to introduce me to his children? Also, if they come here Christmas time (6 months away) is it appropriate for them to stay in a hotel or should they stay with us in our apartment? Also, how often is it acceptable for the ex-wife to call our house? The kids will live with her. We want to do the right thing, especially since the kids have been tainted a little thinking I'm the other woman even though I hadn't met him yet when he filed.
Please help. Just a guideline -- I won't write it in stone. Thanks
Ellyn
Dear Ellyn:
You are asking some wonderful questions. You are in the midst of a situation that faces many people these days and I think that many readers will identify with what you are experiencing.
The most important thing in terms of your meeting your boyfriend's daughters is that the timing of this is something that both you and your boyfriend agree upon. You need to be ready to meet them and he needs to be ready to have it happen. Of course, the decision is ultimately his since they are his children.
Your relationship is a new one. Keep this in mind when introducing your boyfriend's daughters into it. Certainly one of things you surely want to know is if you are compatible with them and if you want them in your life. After all, being his partner means having them in your life as well. So think of your first few times with them as opportunities to get to know one another, to understand this aspect of your boyfriend's life and to seek out your role in it.
As for the children's mother, one reality of divorce is that the other parent no longer has the ability to directly impact the choices made by the other parent in their private life. Much like it is your boyfriend's job to support the decisions that his ex-wife makes, it is her job to support his decisions. I often tell divorced parents that if they think that their children's other parent's decisions or life choices are horrible for the children that they gently discuss it with them. If this does not resolve the concern, there are always legal options. When loving and good parents make decisions about their private life after divorce, they usually make them with the children very much in mind. Let's hope that this is the case for your boyfriend too!
In terms of how often their mother should call, that decision needs to be based on the children's needs and desires. Their age also should be factor in (the younger they are, the more frequent the phone calls should be). If this is their first time away from their mother, more frequent phone calls make sense.
Best Wishes!
Dr. Simon
I am writing because I am concerned about my sister's daughter who is 24. She is a high school graduate , very overweight, lazy and refuses to work. She has moved to Florida twice. The first time they helped her with the expenses and the second time she had gone down with a friend. The friend got a job tell they made enough money to back home. So she is back home now. Parties at night and still says there are no jobs out there for her. My sister says she gives her no money. Is there books on this subject to help? Most books I have seen on tough love involve drug and alcohol abuse. Any other suggestions or help you can offer would be appreciated.
Thanks
Sharon
Hi Sharon:
There are many possibilities that could help explain why your niece is having her struggles. Because I have not had the chance to evaluate her myself or gain a sense of her history and the dynamics of the family, I can only guess at what might be wrong here. What comes to mind, of course, are drug/alcohol problems that are not known about. Also, I would be concerned about the presence of clinical depression. Depression can devastate a person and cause an individual to have multiple failures. My suggestion is that your sister consult with her physician and get guidance as to local resources from him or her. I would think that a good first step would be that your niece have a thorough physical exam to rule out medical causes and probably a consultation with a qualified psychiatrist.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Dr. Simon
I really could use some guidance. My sister passed away 5 years ago and my nephew is being neglected by his father. He is only 13. He has never had any counseling and my brother-in-law couldn't care less about his son. We have tried so hard for the past few years to get along with my brother-in-law but we have run out of patience. My nephew is having a very hard time in school and is failing academically. His father does not go to any meetings the teachers have requested. It is a sad situation and now my nephew is being suspended. Why should my nephew suffer because of his father's neglect? He does not get any guidance at home and his father limits our involvement. I know his father is walking on a fine line but there has to be something we can for my nephew. It is very complicated but I just wanted to highlight what is happening. I would really appreciate any suggestions about who we could call and explain this further. It is so sad that my nephew doesn't have his mother anymore but to be left with a father like this!
Thanking you in advance.
Wow, this is a very complicated and difficult situation and you have every reason to be concerned. You probably have no direct rights under the laws in your area which means that you can't intervene directly without the consent of your brother-in-law. From the sounds of it you are not going to get his consent. In cases such as this, you often have to turn to the recourse of Child Protective Services or a similar agency in your area. Any person can contact Child Protective Services and report their concerns. The agency will send a social worker out to investigate and if your concerns are founded, they can take steps to intervene. I understand that this is a very painful step to take and one that may be frightening. However, it might be your best recourse if not your only recourse. Just remember that your nephew is quite lucky to have the love and concern of your family. Reassure yourself that you are acting out of love for him and take the steps you need to take.
Best Wishes.
Dr. Simon
I am in a dating bind.
A good friend of our's daughter, who is 15, wants to date my 18 year old brother-in-law. I know that the age difference is screaming NO!!!, but their is a lot more to the story.
First, these two have known each other for at least 8 years. Their families both like each other and think the world of the others kids. Second, they have just recently both started having feelings for the other. Third, the girl's father made her sign a contract when she was 9 years old, saying that she would not date or have a boyfriend until she was 16. Lastly, they have both confided in me how much they like each other. She wants to try and talk her Dad into revising the contract and he wants to talk to her Dad because of the feelings that he is having for her.
Any suggestions for any of us???? Should I tell her parents how they feel about each other, or should I let them do this on their own?
Hello...
What appears to be a dating issue to you seems like a developmental issue from my vantage point. This young lady's challenge here has to do with her becoming older, wanting to make more of her own decisions and needing to find ways to work this out in the context of her family structure and dynamics. I can imagine that you feel in a bind given that both the young lady and her potential boyfriend have confided their feelings for one another in you and at the same time you are good friends and related to the families of each.
My suggestion to you is that you stay out of the situation and not say anything to anyone. I offer you this advice for two reasons. First, because this is an issue of developmental challenge for both the girl and the boy, you can foster their meeting this challenge by having not doing their work for them. Second, because the situation is complex due to your relationship to those involved, it seems to me that no matter what you do someone is going to be unhappy with you or think you've stuck your nose into a situation you don't belong in. What you can do is offer moral and emotional support to the two young lovers so as to help them take the steps that they must take to sort out their own choices.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
I have read the Qs & As from your website and they have been helpful. Thank you so much for making this resource available.
I do have a specific question about my situation, though. Here's the story....My son turned 12 in December, which in Texas is the legal age that they can "decide" which parent they would like to live with. "Decide" is used, because in most courts, that is only a part of the custody decision.
My former husband and I split when our son was 2 and he has lived with me ever since in a sole custody arrangement. Over the past 10 years, my ex's contact has been sporadic and minimal, however has increased within the last year. Typically, my son would see his father twice per year, at least once per year and would call maybe once per month or every 6 weeks. My son has quipped, since he was 7, that when he turns 12, he can choose who he lives with and it will definately be his father. He has always idolized his father and desperately wants a relationship with him.
Now that our son is 12, my ex is sueing me for custody. The ex currently lives 2 states away and has remarried to a women who is only 11 years older than our son. This is my dilemma:
I do want my son to have a relationship with his father. I do want his father to be active in his life. But I don't believe that living with someone automatically brings on that relationship. Our son has typically been very aggressive in school, along with having ADD, which his father doesn't believe our son has, and all his challenges continue to be my fault. I did move a couple of times within the last three years (the reason I am at fault), which came about first because of a job, then to be near a private school in which I enrolled our son.
I also don't want my son to live so far away from me. I believe that involvement from BOTH parents is necessary to raise a child. My ex has recently shown an increased interest in our son, which I think is great, and which I would like to see continue. I would like to offer to my ex that I relocate to his state, we share joint custody with joint agreements for parenting. Joint custody would include one week at my house, one week at his. I would live close enough to my ex so that my son can have continuity with friends, activities, etc.
What are your thoughts on this offer? My job can relocate me, so that is a non-issue. My ex and I would have to really work on co-operating, but I am very willing, even to seek counseling if necessary. Is this the best for my son? Or is it the best that he remain with me in his school that knows how to handle high-maintenance children and insist his father continue with his now current level of involvement? This would include a costly and lengthy battle, which I am also willing to do.
HELP! I feel so confused over what is in the BEST interest of my son.
Thank you for any input.
Sincerely,
Jayne
Hello
Jayne:
I offer you hearty congratulations on your wonderful attitude towards child sharing and your willingness to look at your son's needs as the highest priority. Having the point of view you have is probably the most helpful thing you can do for your son.
Working hard on co-parenting is always an important thing to do even if you and your child's other parent live two states away. Please don't put that agenda on a back burner just because you and your son's father live so far apart. Remember that you are closely connected emotionally because of your love for your son and your commitment to his welfare. Therefore, I would suggest that you approach your child's father about co-parenting and begin to open up dialogue whether or not your son or you relocate to the area that his father lives in.
I agree with you that it is usually best for the child to have ready access to both parents. Geographic distance makes this impossible but believe it or not, children do survive and even thrive when such distances exist.
Relocating yourself involves a great deal of change for you and I would ask that you think long and hard about the implications of this for you. It is wonderful that you have the option of relocating - this may be a great choice for one and all. However, I strongly suggest that you spend some time talking this through with a therapist to assure that you are truly comfortable making such a large change in your life. I also think it would be a good idea to get some legal consultation. It may be the case that child custody laws and procedures in the state you are proposing to move to are different than where you are now. This may give you more to consider.
Above all, I offer you kudos for your strong commitment to your son and to his well being. Please think seriously about working on the co-parenting issues now since these are vital issues no matter what happens with your son's relocation or your relocation.
Best Wishes To You!
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
My son and I were deserted in 1996 when my now ex-husband ran off with a bartender. I live with my boyfriend and son. I had permission by my ex and his family before doing so. I also have sole custody. I recently filed contempt action against my ex-husband and as a retaliatory measure he has filed for custody. My ex-husband has now married the woman that he abandon me for. My question is what do I do? My boyfriend and I are both good parents, he has given me more structure while I finish my nursing degree, and my son loves him. I have been told by my attorney we have to get married or he has to move out. My ex-husband has told me he has new beliefs and it is his right. I do not believe he is thinking in the best interest of our son. I believe he thinks I won't pursue the contempt charges if I fear losing my son. I have finally picked up the pieces and am trying to keep persevering. I have never kept my son from his father, and I have allowed liberal visitations, also. Please advise me.
Hopeless and Fearful In Georgia
Dear Hopeless and Fearful:
You are facing a situation faced by many parents who have divorced - that being conflicts
over the parenting of children. It is hard for me to comment on the specifics of
your situation because the laws in your state are probably different than the laws out
here in California. However, what is important for you to remember is that it is
usually best for a child to have an ongoing, meaningful and regular relationship with each
parent. When the parents place their hurt and angry feelings for one another in the
way of the child's relationship with each parent, the child suffers and everyone continues
to hurt and struggle. The issue here is not the loss of your son but rather your
son's best interests. If his father has had problems in the past but has now put his
life back together and is capable of being a positive influence on your child, it may be
best for your son to get to know his father. Whenever I hear a parent talk about
"losing" their child, it makes me wonder if that parent views their child as a
possession rather than a separate and autonomous person.
Divorce hurts, especially if the circumstances surrounding the divorce involve betrayal, affairs and a lack of truth. However, this may well have nothing to do with parenting and parent-child issues. Perhaps you and your child's father could sit down with a neutral third party and try and talk things through. Perhaps you can find a new understanding of one another as parents. If not, then you can hire attorneys and go through the custody process that prevails in your area. However, I encourage parents to solve their disputes without legal intervention whenever possible since no one care more about children than parents.
Dr. Simon
Dear Dr. Simon:
I would like to know what possible steps one could take that would lead up to therapy.
Hello, my name is Chanda, and pretty much for many years now I've wondered if therapy would do me some good. I've always mentioned to it my parents, but they are a bit hazy on the whole idea. True, I am 21 years of age and can make my own decisions, but being a student I still rely on the medical insurance of my mother. I would be most gracious of you would reply and possibly shed some light on this situation. Thank you.
-Chanda
Hi Chanda...
I'm glad to answer your question because I think it is one that a lot of people have. Even though psychology and psychotherapy are topics that are discussed quite a bit these days, many people are still unclear and "hazy" about what therapy is and how to find a therapist. Most communities have a local psychological association. These associations do many things, one of which is to refer people to therapists in their area that specialize in the problem area the individual has. Another good way to find a therapist is to ask your physician. Also, your insurance company probably maintains a list of therapists that are highly thought of and well trained. I usually suggest that people make telephone contact with at least three therapists and see if one seems to "fit" better than the others. It is also a good idea to make appointments with two or three therapists before selecting one to work with.
With regard to the insurance issue, since you are an adult you do not need your mother's permission to use her insurance for your health care. If you are comfortable discussing your decision with your mom then do so. If not, remember that going to therapy is a very personal decision and a private one. It is OK for you to keep this to yourself and not discuss it with anyone you don't want to discuss it with.
Sure hope this helps!
Dr. Simon
Dear Dr.Simon,
My mother in-law is living with this man who has three children who are just completely uncontrollable! He is divorced from his wife and feels because of that he needs to give the children their way all the time .He lets them completely control him and the choices that are made for him and my mother in-law .If he tells them no we are not doing that they all start to throw a temper tantrum until he does what they want! It is driving my mother in-law crazy she does not want to make him mad by saying NO! we are doing what we planned to do not what they want to do just because they are having a tantrum! I have tried to tell him if he keeps giving them their way it will just get worse as the children get older but he thinks because he is not in the home he needs to do what ever it takes to keep the kids from throwing temper tantrums.They hit him ,yell at him ,and just stand bold face with him and just will not do as he ask. So is there any information you can send to me to try an help my mother in-law cope with her life with these un-ruley children?
Thank you,
signed "just trying to help"
Dear "Just Trying To Help"
The situation you describe with your mother-in-law, her friend and his three children sounds really wild and out of control. Children who are in control of a home certainly are not receiving the structure that they probably need. However, you ask me if I can direct you towards resources to help her cope with this. If your mother-in-law feels that she cannot help her friend learn the skills to gain appropriate parental control with his children, I'm afraid there is little she can do. After all, how does one learn to cope with an inappropriate situation without becoming a little wacky themselves?
Good Luck!
Dr. Simon
Dear Dr. Simon,
I'm a step-mom to two boys, ages 6 and 7. They stay here with me and their Dad during the week, and stay with their Mom three weekends a month, with 2 midweek visitations before and after our weekend.
She is currently in college and will be graduating this spring. The home study, conducted in late 1996, determined the father would have primary physical custody with joint legal. However, communication between these two people is problematic. So...Ta Da! I'm now the conduit of information between these two as suggested during mediation last summer. I have a moderately good rapport with their Mom, but there is an issue facing us that I'd like some advice on.
She let me know that she would like 50/50 custody when she gets out of school. Currently, she gets them 36% of the time, (as determined by overnights). It's interesting to note that right now, she sees the boys more than their father, as he works until 6 each night, so sees them for about 3 hours times 4 nights. Her reply to this is that isn't how the courts view it.
My personal point is trying to keep them on a stable schedule which doesn't include day care. I'm very close with them, and have chosen to stay home rather than be employed as I have a Master's degree. This has given me time to volunteer in each of their classes once a week and be available for illnesses or the odd emergency.
I'm afraid to see the boys being pulled into a fight between their Mom and Dad and I told their Mom that. She stated that she misses her kids. Would an evaluator really pull kids out of a stable situation into one that is potentially unstable? Would they take into consideration the actual time each parent is able to spend with the child, because right now, she gets more "time" than their father.
Thank You!
Concerned Step-Mom
Hello Step-Mom:
Well, let there be no doubt that you have a job that is not only difficult but probably impossible to do in a fashion that pleases anyone. It strikes me as somewhat unfair that you have to play conduit between your husband and his ex-wife since you have to have a bias towards what makes your husband happy. I feel for your position in all of this and wish for you that it doesn't cause too many bruises or sleepless nights.
When custody battles unfold, it is all too common for children to be swept up in the maelstrom. Indeed, as you put it, they are easily pulled into the fight. I often advise parents that whatever "gain" they think might come from "winning" a custody battle is so easily offset by the pain, suffering and anxiety the children go through. You might consider this cost/benefit analysis before proceeding. It is so important to remember that these custody battles ought not be fought for the purpose of beating the other parent but for the purpose of doing what is best for the children. It is rarely in children's best interests to fight over custody - it is almost always in children's best interests to compromise. Percentages of time spent with each parent matter very little when there are children who are angry, depressed, torn, confused and bewildered.
You ask what an evaluator might do. I can't predict this because each case is different and the specifics vary from family to family. Since I am not familiar with the normal legal procedures, the laws or the ways the courts tend to view things in your area, I really can't comment on how the court might view the situation in terms of which parent actually has more clock hours with the children. However, when I hear about parents who go to the bother to actually compute such figures, I worry. Raising children is not about percentages or about "winning" a battle with the other parent! I suggest that each adult in your situation carefully and honest examine his/her true motives before moving ahead with a custody battle.
Thank you for writing.
Robert A. Simon, Ph.D.
Robert Alexander Simon, Ph.D. is a Licensed Psychologist (PSY10800) in practice in San Diego, California. Dr. Simon has over twenty years of experience and expertise in child and family psychology and in helping families cope with problems and disagreements that come about when families break up. He is a recognized expert in the area of child custody. Dr. Simon conducts child custody evaluations, mediations and expert consultation. He is a founding member of the San Diego Family Law Council for Children and is an active member of the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts. He is a sought after speaker and trainer. Dr. Simon is a single parent with two teenage sons. He brings to his work the accumulated knowledge and experience of his years in practice along with the practical experience of being a parent of children who have experienced divorce in their own lives.
Questions for Dr. Simon can be sent to: ras@ix.netcom.com
Copyright © 1999, 2006 by Robert A. Simon, Ph.D. All rights reserved.